Know any good American jokes? - Page 2

The Mad Monk · June 17, 2003, 00:42

Al Franken.

Pekka · June 17, 2003, 00:44

ok I have a new one: How many Americans does it take to change one lightbulb? Error. There is no object that could take the pressure from their overly fat bodies.

Why did an American brake his arm? Because they're stupid.

Why do Americans smell funny? Because they're too fat to reach their armpits with deodorants.

What comes out if American and a horse are mixed? Stupid fat horse.

How many Americans can you fit into a phonebooth? Zero.

Texan, New Yorker and a guy from LA are in the car.. who drives? The police.. (if they even fit into the car)

Why so many Americans are fat? Because they're stupid.

What do you call a guy who is not fat and smart? Immigrant.

Why don't Americans like illegal immigrants from Mexico? Because they taste bad and they are smarter too.

Two thumbs up? No?.. Ok, time to go to bed then

.
You asked for it though, that's all I could come up with..

Dis · June 17, 2003, 01:01

I think this thread should have a requirement that the jokes actually be funny

Pekka · June 17, 2003, 01:05

Dissident, Most foreigners finds insulting jokes funny. I'm sorry if they hurt your feelings

And you can't take those seriously. You can put any other nationality and replace them with let's say Japanese.

alva · June 17, 2003, 01:16

Make it belgians, then anyone can laugh

.

Giant_Squid · June 17, 2003, 01:21

At the risk of one you've ALL already heard:

The UN recently sent out a survey to its member countries, asking "Please give your opinion on the solution to the food shortage in the rest of the world"

Unfortunately, they didn't get many responses, because in Africa they didn't know what "food" meant, in Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant, in China they didn't know what "opinion" meant, in the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant, in South America they didn't know what "please" meant, and in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

The Mad Monk · June 17, 2003, 01:24

A Russian, an Frenchman and a German walk into a bar.

The American ducks.

Skanky Burns · June 17, 2003, 01:25

*Groan*

Dis · June 17, 2003, 01:26

It has nothing to do with being insulting. I don't care if you insult americans.

just be funny about it

Jaguar · June 17, 2003, 01:29

Quote:

Originally posted by Pekka
How many Americans can you fit into a phonebooth? Zero.

Pekka, that is a great idea. Actually posting good American jokes in a thread that asks for good American jokes. Who would have thought?

Q Classic · June 17, 2003, 05:18

Quote:

Why did the American cross the road?

Edited by Ming...

Are you looking for another restriction Sava...

wait, that wasn't sava's joke....?

Cruddy · June 17, 2003, 05:53

There's an American working abroad - let's say South Africa. After a particularly hard job, he invites a couple of workmates (a Hindu and a Muslim) back to New York to try the delights of the Big Apple.

10 Minutes after hitting 5th Avenue, they get accosted by a mugger. "Give me all your money or you get this syringe in you - it's my blood and I've got AIDS".

The Hindy screams "Shiva curse you!", drops his wallet and flees.

The Muslim screams "Allah curse you!", and does the same.

The American says, "Sorry buddy. I worked hard for my money and I'm not giving up a cent".

The the junkie stabs him, picks up the 2 wallets and flees.

Back at the hotel the 3 friends meet up. "Why didn't you give him your money? Won't you die of AIDS?" the 2 visitors ask.

The American laughs. "Don't worry, I'm not an ignorant superstititious peasant like you guys. I was wearing a condom."

Dauphin · June 17, 2003, 06:36

It is said that the e/immigration due to the Irish potato famine increased the IQ of both nations.

Stefu · June 17, 2003, 06:55

Most of these aren't really American jokes, in sense of being about Americans. They are more like jokes that Americans tell about themselves to make themselves feel better, since they put the American in the 'hero' role of being better and smarter than everyone else.

Let's try this one:

American suffers a nasty car accident. His car is pretty much demolished, and as he's being pulled out of the wreck, all he can do is whimper "My Cadillac, my Cadillac, my beautiful Cadillac..."

The rescuer says "Who cares about your Cadillac? Half of your left arm's been torn off!"

"My Rolex, my Rolex, my beutiful Rolex..."

Pekka · June 17, 2003, 11:58

Sure well.. if you want jokes about some nationality, then it limits a lot of options what the joke can be like. It has to rely on some stereotype, so that other people can understand it and find it funny. Otherwise it doesn't matter what nationality it is, right?
So, you have to use that stereotype, and most of the times the nationalities in question finds it offensive, and not that funny even when they get it and know why others laugh at it.

So, the trick is to turn it up a notch, and make them ultra offensive, so they can't be taken too seriously. I came up with generic jokes and just put in stereotypes, and then made them sound even more offensive, so it wouldn't be offensive. Besides there are limits, so it doesn't become racist joke, so you have to be careful, and you can save youself by overdoing it. Most people don't find it funny, so that's the downside of it, but hey.. I had fun

.

Lawrence of Arabia · June 17, 2003, 16:26

Why wasn't Jesus born an American?

Because God couldn't find three wise men or a virgin.

Vince278 · June 18, 2003, 01:00

Quote:

Originally posted by PresidentMarcos
No, I don't know any American jokes. But I know a whole s***load of Polsih jokes. Here is one...
(Highlight to read, I couldn't risk offending anyone)
A Polak, an American, and a German had a room full of dirty
tampons, and they decided to have a contest to see who could stay in
there the longest. First it was the American's turn. The other two
locked him in the room and waited. A week later, they heard him
whimpering and pounding on the door so they let him out.
"That is the sickest smell I have ever endured!" cried the
American. "I couldn't stay in there another minute!"
Next it was the German's turn. After a month he finally banged
on the door to be let out. "Oh God, that is the most putrid smell in
the world! I couldn't take it another minute!" he cried as he gasped
for breath.
Finally it was the Polak's turn. They locked him in the room
and waited. A week went by, a month, a year. The German and American
heard nothing. Finally they began to worry, so they yelled through the
door, "You can come out now! You've won the contest by far!"
To which the Polak yelled back, "No, not yet! I'm not done
eating the jelly donuts."

I got it off of a website. And no offense.

Also, don't ban me.

I've heard lots of Polish jokes too (although I don't know why we singled them out). The reason I started the thread is I already heard all the jokes we say about other people and I was curious what jokes the Polish (or anyone else) may have about us. Just trying to be fair by giving everyone equal opportunity.

The Templar · June 18, 2003, 01:10

An American visiting North Ireland decides to take a shortcut through an alley after a night of drinking. Unfortunately, a gunman jumps out from behind some rubble and asks "Are you a Catholic or a Protestant?" The American doesn't know which side the gunman is on, but gets a clever idea. The American responds "I'm Jewish." To which the gunman replies, "Yes, but are you a Catholic Jew or a Protestant Jew?"

Agathon · June 18, 2003, 02:00

Quote:

Originally posted by Uber KruX
there was something in ww2, where we were notorious for friendly fire. the joke went something like:

when the germans fire, the french duck.
when the british fire, the germans duck.
when the americans fire, everbody ducks.

What do you mean in WW2? You've been like this ever since then.

Mr. President · June 18, 2003, 03:54

An American, a Russian, and an Israeli go into a diner and order hamburgers. The waiter comes back a couple of minutes later and says, "Excuse me, but there's a shortage of meat. We can't make any hamburgers today."

The American says, "What's a shortage?"

The Russian says, "What's meat?"

The Israeli says, "What's excuse me?"

Flandrien · June 18, 2003, 07:27

George Bush, John Major and Jacques Chirac have died and gone to hell. Standing in front of the devil, they are all allowed to make one last phonecall home, before they descend into the flames.
John Major goes first. He calls the queen of England to tell her what happened. When he is finished, the devil says he must pay two million pound for the phone call. John Major looks a bit strange, but then writes a cheque for two million pounds.
George Bush goes next. He calls his vice president to give him instructions to prepare for the elections. He hears from the devil that he must pay 3 million dollar for the phone call. He pays with his credit card.
Last is Jacques Chirac. When he is finished with his call, the devil tells him he owes him two euro and fifty cents.
The other two are astonished that his call is so cheap. So they ask the devil why Chirac's call is so much cheaper than theirs.
The devil answers
'That's the way it is: local calls are cheaper.'

Edit: to make it an American joke, you should of course change the nationalities.