How to be a good democrat

Japher · July 9, 2003, 13:08

I saw this on Hannity's discussion board (yes I go there

)...

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I wish I could take credit for this, but I found it on the G Gordon Liddy website:

I think its right on as well as being funny:

How To Be A Good Democrat
Posted May, 2003

1. You have to believe that the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding.

2. You have to believe that the same teacher who can't teach 4th graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.

3. You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat than U.S. nuclear weapons technology in the hands of Chinese Communists.

4. You have to believe that there was no art before federal funding.

5. You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical, documented changes in the earth's climate, and more affected by liberal yuppies driving SUV's.

6. You have to believe that gender roles are artificial, but being homosexual is natural.

7. You have to be against capital punishment, but in favor of abortion-on-demand.

8. You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.

9. You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature, but loony activists who've never been outside of Seattle do.

10. You have to believe that self-esteem is more important that actually doing something to earn it.

11. You have to believe that the military, not corrupt politicians, start wars.

12. You have to believe the NRA is bad because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good because it supports certain parts of the Constitution.

13. You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.

14. You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinem are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, General Robert E. Lee, or Thomas Edison.

15. You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides aren't.

16. You have to believe that Hillary Clinton is really a lady.

17. You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried is because the right people haven't been in charge.

18. You have to believe conservatives telling the truth belong in jail, but a liar and sex-offender belong in the White House.

19. You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying drag, transvestites, and bestiality should be constitutionally protected and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal.

20. You have to believe that illegal Democratic funding by the Chinese Communists is somehow in the best interest of the United States.

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There were minor reactions to it there. As a Republican I find such sarcastic attacks as petty and pointless... They continued to call the democrats ignorant, which I also thought repulsive. I find it odd that I would find such flaming as juvinile, but I am finding more and more that all politicians are professional flamers, and thats it... If that is the case Sava should run for office.

Still, most of these points are reasons why I am not a dem, even though it is a gross generalization...

Arrian · July 9, 2003, 13:11

Quote:

but I am finding more and more that all politicians are professional flamers

You're learning.

-Arrian

*End Is Forever* · July 9, 2003, 13:16

These sort of things are quite good when they're funny. This one, isn't.

VJ · July 9, 2003, 13:18

Most of this is just the standard ignorant offending semi-bs generalization as in every other similar joke, but this got my attention:

Quote:

5. You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical, documented changes in the earth's climate, and more affected by liberal yuppies driving SUV's.

Quote:

These sort of things are quite good when they're funny. This one, isn't.

You know, when you reach the point where you think that they're funny, you should realize that it's the moment when you have made false stereotypes from the targets of these 'witty' tales.

Stefu · July 9, 2003, 13:53

WANHA!!1!!1! as hell.

Az · July 9, 2003, 14:09

Japher · July 9, 2003, 14:15

Stefu is funny

Though sometimes I have no idea what is going on in that head of his...

GePap · July 9, 2003, 14:16

HA ha ha

End sarcasting laughter.

Pretty standards right wing stuff. It;s not even original.

Jac de Molay · July 9, 2003, 14:17

Quote:

18. You have to believe conservatives telling the truth belong in jail,

Like g. gordon liddy?

The diplomat · July 9, 2003, 14:23

Quote:

Originally posted by GePap
HA ha ha
Pretty standard right wing stuff. It's not even original.

looks pretty accurate to me!

Q Classic · July 9, 2003, 14:40

and liberals are the slanderous ones?

can't have it both ways, you know. can't demonize one side without becoming your ideological enemy.

rah · July 9, 2003, 15:35

Even though I'm a Republican.
IT's only fair.

HOW TO BE A GOOD REPUBLICAN

1. You have to believe that the nation's current 8-year prosperity was due to the work of Ronald Reagan and George Bush, but yesterday's gasoline prices are all Clinton's fault.

2. You have to believe that those privileged from birth achieve success all on their own.

3. You have to be against all government programs, but expect Social Security checks on time.

4. You have to believe that AIDS victims deserve their disease, but smokers with lung cancer and overweight individuals with heart disease don't deserve theirs.

5. You have to appreciate the power rush that comes with sporting a gun.

6. You have to believe everything Rush Limbaugh says.

7. You have to believe that the agricultural, restaurant, housing and hotel industries can survive without immigrant labor.

8. You have to believe God hates homosexuality, but loves the death penalty.

9. You have to believe society is color-blind and growing up black in America doesn't diminish your opportunities, but you still won't vote for Alan Keyes.

10. You have to believe that pollution is OK as long as it makes a profit.

11. You have to believe in prayer in schools, as long as you don't pray to Allah or Buddha.

12. You have to believe Newt Gingrich and Henry Hyde were really faithful husbands.

13. You have to believe speaking a few Spanish phrases makes you instantly popular in the barrio.

14. You have to believe that only your own teenagers are still virgins.

15. You have to be against government interference in business, until your oil company, corporation or Savings and Loan is about to go broke and you beg for a government bail out.

16. You love Jesus and Jesus loves you and, by the way, Jesus shares your hatred for AIDS victims, homosexuals, and President Clinton.

17. You have to believe government has nothing to do with providing police protection, national defense, and building roads.

18. You have to believe a poor, minority student with a disciplinary history and failing grades will be admitted into an elite private school with a $1,000 voucher.

19. You have to beleive that people convicted of victemless crimes like drug possession or prostitution deserve to be thrown in with murderers and rapist for years at a time.
20. You have to beleive that driving a car the size of a tank has no negative effect on the environment whatsoever.

21. You have to beleive that the interests of American corporations always come fist, and the interests of common people come second.

22. You have to beleive that it's ok to fruadulently say that you have inteligence suggesting that a country has weapons of mass destruction in order to start a war.

23. You have to beleive that it's not ok for common people to use drugs, but it is ok for bankers and wall street brokers to launder the drug money.

24. You have to beleive that it's ok for American corporations to move over to Asia so they can work 12 year old for 18 hours a day in a sweat shop for 9 cents an hour, as long as they make sneakers with little lights in the heels.

25. You have to beleive it's ok for a presidential candidate to say one thing and do another.

26. You have to beleive that America has never been wrong, and that the rest of the world hates for no reason at all.

27. You have to beleive that America, a country where you can currently be detained indefinitely on no charge and protesters are beaten with clubs, is still the "land of the free".

28. You have to beleive that America, a country that wages wars against civilian targets in defenseless third world countries, is still the "home of the brave".

29. You have to beleive that it's ok for American troops to overthrow democratically elected governments simply because they no longer cater to our corporations.

30. You have to swallow whatever the government tells you unquestioningly.

31. You have to beleive it's ok that America is currently experiencing the biggest civil rights rollback in our history, because it's in the name of "preserving freedom".

32. You have to beleive that, in a school where about half of the population is non-christian, we should make everyone to say christian prayers.

33. You have to beleive that Socialism is evil.

Japher · July 9, 2003, 15:41

Quote:

14. You have to believe that only your own teenagers are still virgins.

oh, but they are

Quote:

33. You have to beleive that Socialism is evil.

but it is

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nice rah, I was just going to flip everything in the first list...

34. You have to believe that the US is solely responsible for slavery, and that we need to apologize to everyone for it even though many of those people we are apologizing to still have slavery and supported the US in slave trade.

Sava · July 9, 2003, 16:11

seek help Japher...

Japher · July 9, 2003, 16:12

Why, when I have you?

Sava · July 9, 2003, 16:12

Zero · July 9, 2003, 16:28

some of the stuff in the lists are weak and is purely a stab at the party... like, "You have to beleive it's ok for a presidential candidate to say one thing and do another. " isnt that for both sides really?

i enjoyed both lists tho. they so funny!

Shi Huangdi · July 9, 2003, 16:33

How to be a good Socialist:

1. You have to be stupid.

2. See #1

Japher · July 9, 2003, 16:34

Quote:

How to be a good Socialist:

1. You have to be stupid.

2. See #1

Kidicious · July 9, 2003, 16:38

I had to stop reading. It was too textbookish. Is it even suppose to be funny?

rah · July 9, 2003, 16:39

How to be a good Fascist.

1. Do what I tell you or die.

There is no #2.

The Templar · July 9, 2003, 18:16

How to be a good capitalist:

(1) Believe everything has a monetary value.

(2) Subordinate all other values to the maximization of profit.

(3) Actually believe the market can do everything better.

(4) Actually believe that everyone has a shot at being rich.

St Leo · July 9, 2003, 19:06

19. You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying drag, transvestites, and bestiality should be constitutionally protected and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal.

Shouldn't Gay Pride Parades be compared to Santa Claus Parades instead? Manger scenes are closer in spirit to governments signs saying "Gays Only Here". Like, duh.

Victor Galis · July 9, 2003, 19:41

I really fail to see what's wrong with most of these.

Quote:

1. You have to believe that the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding.

Or that federal funding could reduce the spread (implying that the lack of federal funding is responsible to a higher level of AIDS spreading).

Quote:

2. You have to believe that the same teacher who can't teach 4th graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.

You don't have to be able to read to know about sex.

Quote:

3. You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat than U.S. nuclear weapons technology in the hands of Chinese Communists.

Living in the South, I'm a billion times more likely to be killed by an American with a gun than by a Chinese commie nuke.

Quote:

5. You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical, documented changes in the earth's climate, and more affected by liberal yuppies driving SUV's.

But I saw studies showed that global temperatures should be in decline right now. (implying that human impact was overpowering these global temperature trends)

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7. You have to be against capital punishment, but in favor of abortion-on-demand.

Damn straight.

Quote:

8. You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.

Nah, just the first bit is enough. Though prosperity can result from keeping some businesses in line.

Quote:

9. You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature, but loony activists who've never been outside of Seattle do.

Yeah, they care so much they don't go out and spoil it

Quote:

10. You have to believe that self-esteem is more important that actually doing something to earn it.

Without motivation, doing something is hard.

Quote:

11. You have to believe that the military, not corrupt politicians, start wars.

Are you implying that Bush is corrupt? (Not to meaning to imply that he isn't, but...)

Quote:

12. You have to believe the NRA is bad because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good because it supports certain parts of the Constitution.

Yep, the NRA supports the bad parts of the Constitution.

Quote:

13. You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.

ATM fees go to businesses, taxes don't.

Quote:

16. You have to believe that Hillary Clinton is really a lady.

Nah, you just have to pretend you believe that.

Quote:

17. You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried is because the right people haven't been in charge.

Or because of meddlesome right wingers always trying to topple those communist regimes.

Quote:

18. You have to believe conservatives telling the truth belong in jail, but a liar and sex-offender belong in the White House.

What is this "truth" you claim conservatives speak of?

Quote:

19. You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying drag, transvestites, and bestiality should be constitutionally protected and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal.

If you're going to use federal funding to support your Christian ideology, of course I'm going to oppose that.

Quote:

20. You have to believe that illegal Democratic funding by the Chinese Communists is somehow in the best interest of the United States.

Any democratic funding is a good thing.

MichaeltheGreat · July 9, 2003, 21:44

Quote:

Originally posted by *End Is Forever*
These sort of things are quite good when they're funny. This one, isn't.

It's oooooooold too.