Is falling in love the best way to start?

Alinestra Covelia · August 9, 2003, 21:56

MRT144's thread got me thinking. In all my days and through all my boyfriends, I don't think I ever really fell in love with any of them. Instead, I got to know them and spent time with them and the process was much more gradual. After a period of time, I found that I liked the guy a lot and that was that - we were dating.

I've never fallen in love, in the sense of suddenly being struck by anybody and thinking about them feverishly, etc.

I was wondering if that made my love any less deep, because it was less spontaneous. What do you think? Is it better to fall in love? Or to grow to love somebody?

Urban Ranger · August 9, 2003, 22:07

Intensity < > spontaneity

SlowwHand · August 9, 2003, 22:25

For lasting, gradual.

Jon Miller · August 9, 2003, 23:15

not at all sure

just having a girl who you don't know well hitting you in the heart is not likely to be reciprocated though

Jon Miller

Lorizael · August 9, 2003, 23:20

The problem is differentiating between being in love and being obsessed. Oi.

Verto · August 9, 2003, 23:32

I guess everyone who has voted so far is in agreement.

molly bloom · August 9, 2003, 23:45

Love leaps in at the eye.

It depends on the persons involved. People I know in arranged marriages have said that they came to love the person they were married to. Equally, my partner's parents have just celebrated their golden wedding anniversary, and that was a love match from the beginning.

I fell in love with my partner not on the first date, but certainly not long after. But what also developed was friendship, which I think is equally as important.
I'm sure it will happen to you, Alinestria- a sudden shock, the coup de foudre, and your heart is racing, your breath comes in short gasps, you flush, you start to perspire (no, not a panic attack, but some of the common symptoms experienced by people struck by love at first sight).....

Urban Ranger · August 9, 2003, 23:49

Quote:

Originally posted by Lorizael
The problem is differentiating between being in love and being obsessed. Oi.

Not that difficult.

Ask yourself, do you want the best for the other person, or do you just want him/her for yourself?

Lorizael · August 10, 2003, 00:06

Quote:

Originally posted by Urban Ranger

Not that difficult.

Ask yourself, do you want the best for the other person, or do you just want him/her for yourself?

No, that's not it. I've definitely been obsessed with someone who I wanted the best for. All I ever thought about was helping this person. Obsession is tricky, very tricky.

Inverse Icarus · August 10, 2003, 00:30

im hoping that the best way to start is to isloate and ostrasice them, until they feel so bad about themselves that they settle for me.

monolith94 · August 10, 2003, 00:53

The ways of love are far more complex... I mean, sometimes two people immediately fall in love with eachother, other times it's a gradual thing, anything can happen that forms a lasting relationship. The love you have can't be valued better or worse simply because of how it came about. Love is love, case closed.

Sprayber · August 10, 2003, 01:05

Quote:

Originally posted by Alinestra Covelia
I was wondering if that made my love any less deep, because it was less spontaneous. What do you think? Is it better to fall in love? Or to grow to love somebody?

A few years ago I feel for this gorgeous Philipino girl that was from my hometown. I distinctly remember the first time I saw her and my comment to my best friend who was with me. I told him that girl will be the death of me, meaning that I could already tell there would be many sleepless nights because of her. I was right, because over the course of the next 3 years she was in and out of my life with varying degrees of happiness. When it finally ended I admitted to myself that I was never really in love with her. All her good qualities had been those that I have given to her and which were not really there.

When I met the girl that would become my fiance and carry my child, I was struck at how much she differed from my expectations. Everything about her that I admired and loved came from her and were not projected by me. When I lost her to the car accident, I realized exactly what it meant to love someone and just how much she had meant to me. In the long run that may prove to be a detriment because there is always a voice in the back of my mind comparing all the women I meet to Becky. That is an unfair comparison I know, but it is still there.

Love is something that comes at its own pace. The Love is there but each person takes a different amount of time to see it. I think what Urban Ranger was eluding to is that when you love someone their happiness is what is important even if that means them being with someone else. The true test of love isn't how long you can hold on, but how well you can let go.

Love has its own time, its own season, and its own reasons from coming and going. You cannot bribe it or coerce it or reason it into staying. You can only embrace it when it arrives and give it away when it comes to you.
--Kent Nerburn

Jon Shafer · August 10, 2003, 01:39

As they say, the makings of a successful relationship depend on more than attraction.

Alexander's Horse · August 10, 2003, 01:39

3 married men ponder the question, trying hard to remember why they got married at all.

Asher · August 10, 2003, 01:57

The man on the right is particularly ghastly.

It also speaks volumes of what he's trying to cover up.

Skanky Burns · August 10, 2003, 02:59

AH

Ted Striker · August 10, 2003, 03:27

Quote:

Originally posted by Alexander's Horse
3 married men ponder the question, trying hard to remember why they got married at all.

Portrait of a broken group of men.

I shall put this on my wall along with selected excerpts from st_swithin's marriage posts to remind me of why I should never go down this treacherous path!!!

Ted Striker · August 10, 2003, 03:28

To answer the question though, is that there is no right answer.

I've seen it happen both ways.

The thing to keep in mind with rules is that there are no rules.

Alexander's Horse · August 10, 2003, 05:46

Married men - notice that we washed up the plates? Notice there are no beer cans or empty bottles lying around?

The wives are there even when they aren't

Jaguar · August 10, 2003, 06:18

Gradual is better. You know you aren't making a mistake if you've had a long time to ponder it.

Skanky Burns · August 10, 2003, 06:36

Quote:

Originally posted by Alexander's Horse
Married men - notice that we washed up the plates? Notice there are no beer cans or empty bottles lying around?

The wives are there even when they aren't

Whipped!

Solly · August 10, 2003, 07:02

Love?

uh Clem · August 10, 2003, 08:04

What every man needs to do now and then: head off into the wilds with his buds and drink...Sprite?

Alexander's Horse · August 10, 2003, 08:41

Thank you for pointing that out - washed up dishes, soft drinks on the table, no litter. Everyone fully clothed and conscious. No guns, no booze, no drugs, no smokes or cigars.

This photo is actually a very good one to show the wives - all that good clean fun we had - well spotted Clem!

They might even let us go again next time

Urban Ranger · August 11, 2003, 00:01

The booze was in the trunk, and so were the empty cans.

Say, who took the photo?

Urban Ranger · August 11, 2003, 00:02

Quote:

Originally posted by Lorizael
No, that's not it. I've definitely been obsessed with someone who I wanted the best for. All I ever thought about was helping this person. Obsession is tricky, very tricky.

Nah.

You weren't obsessed, you were just nuts.

Sikander · August 11, 2003, 00:43

For me love at first meeting is a sure sign that any relationship that might be produced is doomed to be short but intense. This is probably not the case for a lot of people, but the qualities that have the most power over me are the same ones that insure a failed relationship in the medium run at best.

Fortunately I have figured this out, and found that I could learn to build a loving and lasting relationship. It took years for me to actually pull this off though, as the temptation to leap into a tempest was still very strong, even after I knew it for what it was.

I had a long conversation with a good friend last night about this very thing. We are both in relationships that have been slowly building for years, and about the same age (40). We are both simultaneously relieved that we are not being consumed whole by these relationships, and we are very much enjoying a whole new reduced stress world where many things that seemed impossible for us are now possible. We both also miss the addictive intensity of our previous (and numerous) lovers from time to time. But we've been there and done that enough times to realize that it's time to move on.

st_swithin · August 11, 2003, 01:00

You know, I'm not sure if you can fall in love with someone you've never met. You'd probably believe in love at first sight if you ever met the right person. But that's like, a one in 6 billion chance, so I'm not holding my breath.

Alexander's Horse · August 11, 2003, 01:10

that's what happened when I met you

Ted Striker · August 11, 2003, 01:19

*Ted steals the movie rights*