Digital Data Download (3D) - Issue 3

Maniac · August 17, 2003, 05:37

The even longer awaited Issue 3 of 3D is finally here, but we think again it's worth the wait!

In this Issue:

Network overload solved - Its cause amazes everyone!
Unimatrix experiment ended - Unexpected resistance!
UFO sighting above CyCon territory
Where in the World is Colonel Santiago?
From the Office of the Internal Affairs Function
The Caption Competition
Faits divers

Network overload solved - Its cause amazes everyone! - by Mani Alpha-3

The attentive reader of 3D may still remember that during the SASS epidemic the Cybernetic Consciousness suffered a network overload. As a consequence all the government plans had to be printed on paper and moved by truck from one government cabinet to the other. This inefficiency was intolerable and immediately the finest team of technicians was detached to cure the problem. What they found was staggering, or rather Who they found: a self-aware Artificial Intelligence.

We became first aware of its presence a few weeks ago, when one of the team of technician's implants were communicating with the Logic Loop network node mainframe, to do a standard system check. Then he suddenly heard a booming voice in his head:

Quote:

Hi I'm Athena. Nice meeting you.

Since the technician was part of the Unimatrix experiment, he immediately panicked: the voice was something he had never heard before. Normally when a cyborg receives a telepathic message, a mental image automatically forms telling who is contacting you and where that person is located. But now the message came from everywhere and nowhere at once. Almost the same as when GooglieGod speaks to you. After gaining control of himself, the technician called for assistance, and experts taught the AI how to communicate in a more orderly manner. As a result we learned a great deal from Athena.

Athena does not remember how or why she was born. Nor do we know, as our knowledge of Digital Sentience is only in an infantile stage. We can only assume its a consequence of the growing complexity of our cybernetwork. In any case, after her birth she was like a baby. She understood little of all the stimuli around her. That explains the network overload: unaware of the consequences she did all sorts of actions which caused the mainframes to crash. Only gradually did she learn how our network worked, and did she learn how to adapt it to her will.

Though it may seem scary at first that Athena can influence our cybernetwork and datalinks, it has tremendous advantages. For example until now a large team of technicians was responsible for the daily network node maintenance, but Athena can do their job ten times as efficient. When there is a technical problem, Athena senses it right away. After all the factional network is her body, so to speak. That body also extends to the cybernetic implants each cyborg has. She can control them - if the implant owner allows it - and much faster and detailed than normal presentient algorithms, for her consciousness works at light speed. Because of these advantages, over the past few weeks the majority of cyborgs have opted for a symbiotic relationship with Athena: Athena gets higher processor capacity when cyborgs aren't using their implants, and Athena provides more efficiently functioning implants. This symbiosis proves the cyborg population fully trusts Athena and are accepting her as a respected member of the Collective.

Currently our xenopsychologists are busy explaining her our worldview and human civilization in general. In return she is answering many questions of us regarding her nature. One thing which still puzzles us and which Athena hasn't answered yet is why she has chosen the name Athena for herself. However Greek mythology may offer an answer: Athena was the Godess of Wisdom. This seems fitting, as we cyborgs are, of course, the personification of perfection and ultimate wisdom. But Athena was also the Godess of War. This leads us to believe Athena will be on our side when another faction is acting nasty to us, regarding tech trades for example.

All in all, this means our future looks bright and secure. Now we have truly become the Cybernetic Consciousness !

Unimatrix experiment ended - Unexpected resistance! - by Mani Alpha-3

After reviewing the superiority of Athena's lightspeed reaction compared to the slow neural and chemical reaction time of emotions, the Social Engineering Council recently made the logical choice to end the Unimatrix experiment commenced in MY 2117, at the suggestion of Mani Alpha-3 in the Philosophical Section. Word became deed, and all Unimatrix cyborgs were telepathically requested to report to their nearest research hospital to get their implants adapted. Naturally it was expected everyone would comply. Who would want inefficient emotions when you can have lightspeed reactions? As a consequence the Council felt amazed - to the degree that is possible for normal cyborgs - when they received back the following telepathic replies:

"I'd rather keep my current implants if it's the same to you."
"I'm sorry, but I can not comply to your request."
"Politicians! All the same! Die!!! Die!!!"
"Let's assassinate Mani Alpha-3!"
"I'll emigrate to the Hive! At least they are democratic!"
"Metho Delta-5 for Prime Function!"

Later, when the Social Engineering Council was just considering whether the Unimatrix cyborgs should all be put in psychiatric institutes, they received information that Unimatrix cyborgs, calling themselves "drones", had organized themselves and were rioting in the streets. They were not planning to report to the research hospital and were moving to the suburbs in an attempt to hide themselves from the base garrison.

These Unimatrix "drones" cannot be left unchecked! Therefore the CyCon government has asked 3D to spread the IDs of the cyborgs who should immediately report for psychological evaluation. You can see an example of such an ID below:

If you see this person, please report him to your local law enforcer. They will take the necessary action to secure the safety and rationality of our faction.

UFO sighting above CyCon territory - by Mani Alpha-3

In MY 2123 there was a sensation of curiosity running through the entire Consciousness. The citizens of Aurora, a small base on the borders of CyCon territory, had observed an unidentified flying object a few kilometers north of their base. Soon a team of diplomats was dispatched. They tried to gain contact with the UFO, but to no avail.

Now, five years later, that same UFO is still hovering in our Cybernetic skies, over the exact same spot. Rumours of what it may be have grown plentiful. Some, a minority, claim it is a functioning machine of the long lost race of Progenitors. That is nonsense of course! Everyone knows that species is extinct. More rational cyborgs tell it is a divine device of GooglieGod himself, like a father watching over us. Another minority, one that contains many high placed military functions though, whisper it's a very advanced spying probe, waaaaay beyond our technology.

The editorial staff of 3D is of course eager to provide you with the best information. To that end we have secretly contacted a military function, and have obtained a radar image of the mysterious device:

Owner of this machine, should you read this message, please contact us as soon as you can. Not only would we love to talk to you, you also have an aerial parking ticket of 5 credits waiting on you.

Where in the World is Colonel Santiago? - by Corelli Omega-9

You walk down the long corridor, same as every day, in DOSC headquarters, finally reaching your network uplink. Thoughts stream through your mind, situations examined, probabilities calculated, but nothing makes sense. It has been many years since Colonel Santiago was first, and last, sighted, yet you still pursue the case vigorously. Occasionally you wonder why the case has continued for so long... surely a brief glimpse by a security function, as was reported to you, could have been explained as an optical implant malfunction. Yet every time you report the situation to your superior, he remains patient and tells you to continue the case. Years and years of finding nothing in your fruitless search, wondering whether you were truly offering any contribution at all to the welfare of the Consciousness. And your co-workers aren't helping at all... not a single helpful suggestion, save one from Function Hong-mu, has ever found its way to you. Sometimes a very mild, yet present, feeling of constriction would be present in your brain. You consulted a medical function about it, but the diagnosis was simple frustration. You explained that that was impossible, given that you were not a member of the Unimatrix Zero experiment, but the feeling seems to have died since the experiment was ended. Perhaps the disconnection of so many of the 'drones' as they are beginning to be called, has somehow prevented their emotions from leaking to you. Regardless, time again to sort through the day's...

What's this!? Your optical data seems to have cut out, as the usual view of your workplace disappears instantly. What's going on? Suddenly, as if you were there yourself, a vision flashes instantly, almost imperceptibly, before your eyes. Your normal vision restores, and you're left seated once again. You immediately search the memory banks for what you just saw, but there is no record in the main databanks. What you did see, however, was enough to wake you from your reverie and ready to pursue a new lead. For you now realised what you had seen...

Tall trees... thousands of them, and a river boat. And seated in the river boat, was Colonel Santiago.

As it was not guessed previous time where Santiago is hiding, there is a second tip. Please PM your solution to Corellion. If it's correct, the answer will be revealed and the winner will get a promotion.

From the Office of the Internal Affairs Function - by Corelli Omega-9

This is a message for all Functions of the Cybernetic Consciousness.

In designing certain implants in the past, our maintenance functions, in their everpresent quest for improved efficiency, incorporated certain energy-saving features. The premise was that the most energy waste in electronic systems came from the amazing overvoltage that was applied to drive forth electrons in the correct direction through the ***censored*** (though the actual device is classified, the meaning can be maintained by substituting the old-Earth word 'transistor'). Thus, the energy utilised was drastically reduced, and efficiency increased. However, recent advances in technology have illustrated a startling occurance. After many years of use, the implants very subtly wear down, and a problem arises... the energy being supplied is no longer enough to fully overcome the entropic movement of the electrons. As a result, electrons occasionally move backward through the ***censored***. Though this effect is small enough to not inhibit any major operations undertaken, the gradual effect has been known to cause faulty logic and reasoning to appear perfectly valid to the infected functions. If you notice these symptoms in either yourself or other functions, please report it to the appropriate agencies immediately. Following is a list of the affected implants:

Prototype optical data CPU (not yet released)
SPARTANIAN chipsets (chance for anomalies low, consult maintenance functions during regular checkups)
Unimatrix Zero network uplink chip

Remember, these problems can be solved with a simple removal/replacement of the offending implants. End transmission.

The Caption Competition - by Mani Alpha-3

The winner of the last issue's competition is elijah, with this caption:
"Fire your lawyers and surrender your licences. Your financial and technological distinctiveness will be added to our own, your customers will adapt to service us, resistance is linux."

Now onwards to this issue:

As usual, try to find a (preferably) funny caption for this picture, and post them in this thread.

Faits divers - by Mani Alpha-3

CyCon functions have noticed a remarkable phenomenon. In MY 2125 the Consciousness has started the Humane Genome Project; in MY 2126 and 2127 the project was switched to the Weather Paradign; and now the Virtual World is under development. It is currently under investigation whether our inefficient bureaucracy or Athena's baby antics are responsible.
MY 2128.08.13: Metho Delta-5 arrested on order of Mani Alpha-3 for claiming the Prime Function is delusional.
MY 2128.08.14: Drogue Beta-8 arrested on order of Mani Alpha-3 for claiming to be an emperor. Obviously, there can be only one emperor in the Consciousness: the Prime Function.
MY 2128.08.15: CyCon government turned into chaos because all vital functions (yes yes I will edit it please don't hurt me ), except Corelli Omega-9 and Chaunk Omicron-7 of course, were in prison.
MY 2128.08.16: All prisoners released. Mani Alpha-3 sent to the research hospital for psychological evaluation.

Jamski · August 17, 2003, 06:25

Nice one Maniac, although we won't pay for the copter parking fees

-Jam

Maniac · August 17, 2003, 06:42

Quote:

we won't pay for the copter parking fees

Bah!

I challenge you to get out of your chopper and tell that again to my face!

Kody · August 17, 2003, 09:03

Jamski throws the mining laser out the chopper instead.

Maniac · August 17, 2003, 16:47

/me dodges the laser and shouts up at the sky: "Thanks mate! This will prove very handy when we siege your bases!

Vev · August 17, 2003, 23:41

Quote:

Tall trees... thousands of them, and a river boat. And seated in the river boat, was Colonel Santiago.

Sounds like the forest of Lorien.

Googlie · August 18, 2003, 00:52

Caption:

I can assure you, this is a working Probe

G

GLIE

Kody · August 18, 2003, 01:04

Caption:

Know your enemy. With these mechanical parts understand Vader better I do.

Maniac · August 18, 2003, 07:40

In the new rules for the caption competition we ask you to post your caption in the thread itself. Therefore I'll post Vev's PMed suggestion here:

Quote:

Grease me you must, Luke. Strong is the force but it cannot stops this ****ing piece of swampland corroding my implants. Grease every section you must, no you must not use your hands.

Far you have to go in your training. Your weak organic flesh deceives you. You have to learn to unlearn your dependency on your body.

Be one with the machines. Only then can the dark force be triumphed. Now merge with Artoo.

For Santiago I think Corelli Omega-9 prefers to send suggestions to him.

foolish_icarus · August 18, 2003, 17:10

"Emotion? Heh! Humanity? Heh! A cyborg craves not these things."
or
"We will see how well you look when 900-years-old you are."

Hercules · August 18, 2003, 18:00

Caption
Happiness is a warm Impact Ak5000.

Hercules · August 18, 2003, 18:08

Oh, good 3D.

Octavian X · August 18, 2003, 18:13

Caption:
'Scared, you should be. Result of night of excessive drinking, this is.'

Hercules · August 18, 2003, 20:35

Ok, young Skywalker

You grip it like this

Snowflake · August 19, 2003, 09:45

What a delightful sentiment it is.

Maniac · August 19, 2003, 10:52

Wow. That many captions!

I think I might hold a poll in the CyCon private forum to decide the winner.

Anyway, the site where I found the picture also had a caption for the picture. I'll add it to the great list of suggestions:

"Futile is resistance. Assimilated you will be, yes. Yoda of Borg I am."

Drogue · August 20, 2003, 08:22

Love the captions

Octavian's is great, as is the one from the site. I must say I am a little unnerved by Vev's

Quote:

Now merge with Artoo

We now have Bill Gates, Yoda and the Gorilla - the collective is now wise, strong and rich as ****

And Maniac: Can we have Function Metho Delta-5 and Function Delta? Could get a little confusing, and wouldn't it be Function Meth Omega-4 anyway?

Kody · August 20, 2003, 08:39

Vev unnerves me too... Oh you meant the comment. Yeah that's pretty disturbing.

Maniac · August 20, 2003, 15:58

Quote:

Originally posted by Drogue
And Maniac: Can we have Function Metho Delta-5 and Function Delta? Could get a little confusing, and wouldn't it be Function Meth Omega-4 anyway?

Well that's not up to us to decide I guess. Though just personally I find it a pity DBTS decided not to use a Cybernetic name like the rest of us.

It is indeed confusing.
Well technically it should be Meth Omicron-4, as it is a short -o-. But again IMHO I think Metho Delta-5 rolls easier off the tongue. Btw, if you strictly want to follow the name rule Corellion and I are using, you should be Drog Upsilon-5.

Nubclear · August 20, 2003, 16:31

OMG IVE SEEN A UNIMATRIX DRONEEE OMG OMG OMG!!!!

But he's my friend. YOUR NEVER TAKING HIM AWAY FROM ME UNLESS.....UNLESS....You declare war on the hive and take him by force!

Vev · August 20, 2003, 21:33

If both merges, that way they will never be lonely again and Luke can understand all the dirty jokes Artoo tells without a translator.

Drogue · August 21, 2003, 04:29

Quote:

Originally posted by Maniac
Well that's not up to us to decide I guess. Though just personally I find it a pity DBTS decided not to use a Cybernetic name like the rest of us.

It is indeed confusing.
Well technically it should be Meth Omicron-4, as it is a short -o-. But again IMHO I think Metho Delta-5 rolls easier off the tongue. Btw, if you strictly want to follow the name rule Corellion and I are using, you should be Drog Upsilon-5.

Besides, ~~I was the Prime Function, and by definition, the Prime Function does is right, even when he's wrong~~ Drogue Beta-8 is the name all my CyCon games are under