Digital Data Download --- Issue 4

[Corellion]

We present to you Issue 4 of the Digital Data Download. It's a bit shorter than usual, but it's the quality that counts!

In this Issue:

• From the Offices of the Internal and External Affairs Functions
• A Cybernetic society at work : Education
• Where in the World is Colonel Santiago?
• The Caption Competition
• Faits divers

From the Offices of the Internal and External Affairs Functions - by Corelli Omega-9

Greetings once again fellow CyConians. Today, the Office of the Internal Affairs Function, along with the Office of the External Affairs Function, have a ground-breaking announcement to make. Over the years, our faction has been protected from hostile forces by the most powerful weapon at our disposal… the tactical gorilla. For almost 34.97 years, the gorilla has served as our first-line defense against mindworms, spore launchers, and even the occasional Isle of the Deep attack. In all cases, the gorillas exhibited exemplary performance, and kept our populace safe and productive, helping to keep our efficiency at the incredible levels we find it today.


Archives: A Tactical Gorilla

However, in recent years, certain aspects of the tactical gorilla have proven insufficient for new tasks that have been expected of it. Due to the nature of the tactical gorilla’s movement, its effectiveness in offensive assaults is much lower than it should be. The size of the gorillas, accompanied by their relatively slow speeds, while making them superb for defense, proved liabilities when they attacked. In response, in 2132.8792, CyCon researchers set about the task of creating a new weapon, one more suited to offence and to the difficult terrain of Chiron. We would like to announce that this feat has finally been accomplished. We present…


The Combat Parrot

Utilising the latest technological advances, the combat parrots have the ability to perform bombing runs at a range of up to two thousand kilometres, more than 100 times the range of natural parrots. Their cybernetically-enhanced bodies, in addition to increasing their intelligence past that of most full-humans, greatly enhance strength and endurance, allowing them to withstand the shot from a particle-impactor. They can carry an ordinance of up to one tonne, and can be outfitted with many modules to enhance performance in specific fields. So far, combat parrots have begun patrolling our territory, executing search-and-destroy missions against mindworms. The uses of the combat parrot are not entirely military, however, and they can be used for a variety of purposes. Three combat parrots of the highest quality have been sent to CyCon DOSC to help search for dangerous offenders.

The parrots have also been equipped with special software to allow them to interlink at any time with the entire network of tactical gorillas. The result is that precision attacks, involving co-ordination between the aerial and ground forces, are now even easier to plan and execute.

With this new weapon under our control, our faction is now safer than ever.

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Corelli Omega-9, Mani Alpha-3
Internal Affairs Function, External Affairs Function



A Cybernetic society at work : Education - by Mani Alpha-3

In this new series of articles, 3D hopes to shed light upon a different aspect of Cybernetic society in each 3D issue. Today's issue: "Education in CyCon society: How does it work?"

For children younger than twelve Terran years, education almost entirely consists of didactic laser memory imprints. This procedure comprises bringing the child into a state of hypnosis, and then rapidly flashing whole waves of directed holograms into the eyes of the child. In the hypnotic state the child is highly susceptible for new information. All in all the procedure takes one hour, a period of which the child has no conscious memory due to the hypnosis. Thus one could say the subject matter is loaded directly into the brain, the rate being varied according to an individual's ability to absorb it.

School for cyborg children consists of a weekly visit to the network node for a didactic memory-absorption assessment, and then the imprint of a new memory package. This leaves children with considerable time on their hands, creating a large industry of children's creches to keep them occupied through organized games and events, and helping to develop their social skills. Efficiency and didactic value is of course a prime concern for the creche leaders when choosing what games to play.

When they have reached the age of twelve, and the brains and personality have almost fully developed, the children receive their first cybernetic implant. This happens during the annual Implant Ceremony, a day which children and their proud parents look forward to with great expectations. After that, besides the usual imprint sessions, the children have to grow familiar with the many possibilities of their implant, and the new experience of contributing to the Collective Mind. Fortunately Athena is ever present to assist and guide them in their curious explorations.

Basic education is completed at around age sixteen, after which the majority of children, to be more precise 88%, have the opportunity to go on to universities, which employ a combination of didactic imprint and traditional tutorial sessions or research projects aimed at developing students' intellects and analytical abilities. Based on the subject they choose, they receive a second set of implants which specialize for a certain profession. A few years later when the students graduate, each cyborg gets his or her official designation, again based on the discipline they are graduating on. A few examples of such designations are "Beta-8 : Economics", "Alpha-3 : Political Sciences" and "Delta-1 : Military Strategies".

For the remainder there are job-related specialization imprint courses, where appropriate, e.g. maintenance and machine operation, which the average citizen will continue to take throughout their working life.



Pirate washed ashore - by Metho Delta-5

Early this morning, at approximately 05.00 Cybernetic Standard Time, routine scout patrols plucked a strange, confused man from the treacherous waters off the coast of Pi Square, a base in the northwest corner of Cybernetic territory. Authorities were startled to discover that this man bore no cybernetic implants, and thus was not a member of our faction. His confusion seemed perhaps to stem from his obvious intoxication from alcohol, which he appeared to have consumed in abundance.

Identification tags the man was found to be carrying distinguished him as Ivan the Fearsome, of the PMS vessel Montezuma's Revenge of Tripoli, later spotted by Cybernetic Ocean Patrols some two kilometers off the Cybernetic coast. As for Ivan himself, a decision has not yet been made as of a course of action. "Put him in the back of the paddy-wagon!" one patrolman suggested. "Shave his belly with a rusty razor!" another shouted. A consensus has still not been reached as of yet, simply because nobody knows what to do with a drunken sailor, ear-lie in the morning.



A special message from the Prime Fu External Affairs Office - by Mani Alpha-3

OBVIOUSLY THE CONSCIOUSNESS HAS NOT YET MET THE PIRATES. ANYONE WHO CLAIMS OTHERWISE IS CLEARLY DELUSIONAL AND WILL BE ARRESTED. END TRANSMISSION.






Where in the World is Colonel Santiago? - by Corelli Omega-9

Why hadn't you thought of it sooner? All the signs were there, right under your nose! And yet it took you so long to see through the clues. The machete, the trees, the river boat, the limited provisions... it all makes sense.

You've thought this over several times during your trip to the Monsoon Jungle, where you determined that Colonel Santiago must be. You would have continued turning it over in your mind further, had the oversight of the operation not taken up so much of your time. You now busy yourself co-ordinating search teams and investigating all possible evidence of Colonel Santiago found. So far, nothing of any relevance has been found beyond that all-important clue you located during the first month of the search. A note from Santiago herself, smudged and discarded in the jungle.

It is altogether fitting [illegible] space [illegible] is in many ways a [illegible] rugged terrain [illegible] enemy strongholds [illegible] Planet is ours for the taking!

She's planning something, but what? And is there any significance to the hundreds of drained laser rifles you've found scattered around? And more importantly, where do you go next?

Special thanks to HongHu for solving the riddles and identifying the Monsoon Jungle as Colonel Santiago's hiding place.



The Caption Competition - by Mani Alpha-3

Because there were so many excellent suggestions last time, I held a poll in the Collective to decide the winner. I expected the votes to be divided between many captions, but soon a clear majority became apparent for only one suggestion. Therefore, with right and reason I can announce that the winner is...



"Scared, you should be. Result of night of excessive drinking, this is."
-- Octavian X


For this issue, we invite you to search for funny captions about our new combat parrot picture. Please post the captions in this thread.





Faits divers - by Mani Alpha-3

• After first switching production from the Human Genome Project to the Weather Paradigm and Virtual World, our secret project production now seems to have stopped for no reason. The affair is still under investigation...
• Corelli Omega-9 and Chaunk Omicron-7 voluntarily imprisoned to prove they are vital functions as well.
• UFO still flying over CyCon territory. Attempts to shoot it down with a Unity mining laser unsuccessful.
• Civil war almost erupts over the question: "How many threads should be topped?"
• After TassieGod first revealed his existence, there were some cyborgs claiming that GooglieGod was the only true deity and that worshipping TassieGod was idolry. To solve this practical problem, TassieGod fortunately released TWODEITIES.EXE, a revolutionary new program that will allow all CyCons to worship two gods.

[Vev]

"Awwwk, Polli-Gamma is a bad cyber-parrot! Help! Help! Polli-Gamma switched memory modules with Cyber-Gorilla!"

[Kody]

"These new 100kg parrots are perfect gifts for pirates that need posture correction."

[Corellion]

The issue has been editted to include two new late-submission articles... enjoy.

[Maniac]

Digital Data Download now appears more often than Pravda.

[Kody]

Only because the Hive decided my abilities were better put to advancing the Hive's interests in game.

[Hercules]

Very enjoyable. So that's were Ivan ended up. We thought he'd gone to the fishies.

[Snowflake]

Originally posted by Hercules
Very enjoyable. So that's were Ivan ended up. We thought he'd gone to the fishies.

I've never saw the unemotional CyCons being this excited before.

[Snowflake]

Special thanks to HongHu for solving the riddles and identifying the Monsoon Jungle as Colonel Santiago's hiding place.

The young DOSC agent proudly accepted the recognition. A thought appeared in her mind.

If it's correct, the answer will be revealed and the winner will get a promotion.

... When will be the promotion?

[Method]

hmm, at least a month, likely more later....my article is finally in. yay!

caption...

Fly my pretties! Kill! Kill!

[Maniac]

Shall we give HongHu the rank of Corporal Function Hong Eta-3 ?

[Corellion]

Perhaps, but Hong-Mu seems to go so well.

[Snowflake]

Which is a higher rank, Eta-3 or Mu-with some number?

[Maniac]

The Greek letter-Arabic number designations aren't ranks. They stand for the education you followed or your current profession. Corporal Function would be the military DOSC rank.

[jtsisyoda]

AWK!! Polly wanna woop that ass! AWK!!

[jtsisyoda]

AWK! What more proof does one need of a CyCon-Pirate link than my very existence? AWK!

(You opened the door, Mani-Alpha. )

[Hercules]

Jtisiyoda: Is that a cow or a horse, So now we have a cow/horse and a Mongoose in the Drones. Maybe a Croc.

[jtsisyoda]

Yes, it's a cow, which reminds me, I vote for Hong-Moooo over Hong Eta-3.

(Sorry.)

[Hercules]

you're trying to milk this for all its worth

[Hercules]

Hongmoooooo, Hongmooooooo- 20

[Vev]

No, the croc is the Hive's little own project. Currently unemployed due to lack of opposing thumbs, but we are working on that problem.

[Snowflake]

I think I prefer Hong Eat-3. Plus I was already a DOSC agent wasn't I, shouldn't a promotion mean a higher rank than Corporal Function? I mean it doesn't have to be Prime Function but ...

[Snowflake]

Originally posted by Vev
No, the croc is the Hive's little own project. Currently unemployed due to lack of opposing thumbs, but we are working on that problem.

I wonder if the rumors about somebody was also washed ashore at the Hives was true.

[Method]

Originally posted by Hercules
you're trying to milk this for all its worth

/me sounds the horrible pun alarm

Arrest this man! 1 charge of use of horrendously bad humour while on duty!

[jtsisyoda]

Yes, Method, I will moooooove him to the stockade immediately.

***

Did you know cows have been (or at least were at one time by somebody) blamed for global warming? Their methane flatulence is supposedly the culprit. I'm not making this up.

[Vev]

Bad cow! Bad!

[Octavian X]

*sniiff*

I'd like to thank all the people I nerve stapled into voting for my submission. What a glourious day!

*sniff*

As for that damn parrot, I've got nothing.

[Drogue]

Looks good Glad to see things ticking over without me

[Vev]

Although the mice is out and playing.

[Vev]

No wonder officers now have posture problems.