Are quarrels bad or good for a relationship? - Page 2

Ted Striker · October 5, 2003, 21:06

Quote:

Originally posted by Asher
Who wants to start a pool on a "my friend wants to know about penis enlargement" thread?

Sikander · October 5, 2003, 21:07

My GF of six years and I seem to have figured this one out pretty well. When we start to quarrel we both try to regain our composure and discuss the issues instead. My GF usually is much more passionate about the quarrel than I am, so this usually means that I have to hold my fire first and let her expend her emotion more or less unchecked. By then I have a sense of what the problem is (aside from the built up feelings over it). I then attempt to answer her charges without trying to provoke her, and then we discuss the situation and decide what to do about it. This takes a lot of forebearance on my part, but once my GF has gotten her spleen vented I find that we have some very useful discussions, in the course of which I usually have ample opportunity to raise issues that have been troubling to me as well. It works for us, and I'm sure that every couple deserving of the name has or should have a method for working through their problems that goes beyond simply venting upon one another.

Ben Kenobi · October 5, 2003, 21:16

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UR, with all these threads you've started these last few days, are you trying to tell us something??

Hey mate, you okay?

Urban Ranger · October 5, 2003, 22:40

Hueij, Ted, Ben,

I am fine, thanks for the concern.

You may know my SO has a fiery temper. She usually is quite relaxed, but sometimes she would just flare up like a small (refers to physical size, not intensity) ball of fire. After a minute or two of screaming, she'll feel guilty by directing her anger at me, which is always signalled by a sheepish grin. At which point I can sit her down and listen to her (or start talking).

In my last relationship, I didn't have a fight with my ex. It lasted 8 months. The one before that, you all know what happened with that cheater.

So for me at least, quarrels and other sorts of emotional flare-ups are normal, and can be good for a relationship. As I said, some people I know say they don't have those. Which, to me, is a Very Bad Thing.

MrFun · October 5, 2003, 22:49

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Originally posted by Lazarus and the Gimp
Been with my wife nearly 12 years, married for 7 of those. We've never quarreled.

If you think that's unusual, my parents have never quarreled in 40 years together. Assuming there are quarrels in every marriage is a fallacy.

I thought there was no such thing as a perfect relationship, though.

And I usually equate perfect relationship with no arguments or disagreements. This, I thought was not possible.

Bosh · October 5, 2003, 22:58

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Originally posted by Urban Ranger
Which, to me, is a Very Bad Thing.

Why? Personally I'm very thick-skinned and basically never fight with anyone...

Berzerker · October 5, 2003, 23:35

Bad if someone holds grudges, good otherwise. Gotta blow off some steam and not bottle up grievances.

Urban Ranger · October 5, 2003, 23:48

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Originally posted by Boshko
Why? Personally I'm very thick-skinned and basically never fight with anyone...

Did you read my post David?

For me, the two that didn't have any fights, quarrels, etc. ended up fizzling out or worse.

I need to ask Laz about his secret, too.

Lorizael · October 6, 2003, 00:24

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Originally posted by Berzerker
Bad if someone holds grudges, good otherwise. Gotta blow off some steam and not bottle up grievances.

What if the two people actually don't have any grievances? What if they just communicate so perfectly that no conflict or disagreement ever arises?

badams52 · October 6, 2003, 00:59

I've heard it said, no quarrels = no passion, meaning that if a couple doesn't quarrel, it means they don't love each other or are apathetic towards each other.

I don't believe it myself as I have met some happy couples without "quarrels." But no quarrels = no passion has it's merrits and points too.

My wife and I quarrel from time to time, but we both have a very strong commitment to each other and have many more good times than bad.

Of course in the early relationship phase, quarrels were far and few between.

Urban Ranger · October 6, 2003, 03:07

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Originally posted by Lorizael
What if the two people actually don't have any grievances? What if they just communicate so perfectly that no conflict or disagreement ever arises?

Is that possible in real life?

Unless they have telepathy, I don't see how that can be the case.

FrustratedPoet · October 6, 2003, 04:43

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Unless they have telepathy, I don't see how that can be the case.

I imagine that if our girlfriends could read our minds then no relationship would ever get past the stage of "Hello"

Q Classic · October 6, 2003, 07:07

usually when my gf and i have a disagreement, we resolve it in the only correct way possible.

me saying, "i'm sorry i was wrong, dear."

Urban Ranger · October 6, 2003, 07:28

Quote:

Originally posted by Q Cubed
usually when my gf and i have a disagreement, we resolve it in the only correct way possible.

me saying, "i'm sorry i was wrong, dear."

That's how most of my disagreements are resolved.

MrFun · October 6, 2003, 08:18

Quote:

Originally posted by Boshko

Why? Personally I'm very thick-skinned and basically never fight with anyone, since I always have my tail between my legs.

Bugs ****ing Bunny · October 6, 2003, 12:45

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Originally posted by MrFun

I thought there was no such thing as a perfect relationship, though.

And I usually equate perfect relationship with no arguments or disagreements. This, I thought was not possible.

Who said it was a perfect relationship? Call me "Mr Picky" but I'd expect a lot more than just not quarreling to fit that category.

There's no mystery to it at all. We've both got good communication skills, we're both skilled at giving constructive feedback, we've got common goals in making the relationship work, we talk to each other and we look after each other. That's all there is to it.

Richelieu · October 6, 2003, 13:59

Has anybody made the mandatory post about make-up sex?

Japher · October 6, 2003, 14:05

Not arguing is fine if there really is nothing to argue about.

Arguing is fine if it is an argument and not a spitting match.

Freedom to express oneself freely within a relationship is what's important, and both sides should exercise this freedom to avoid any ill-gotten hostilities.

Flubber · October 6, 2003, 14:46

I don't know that quarrels are a necessary part of a good relationship for EVERYBODY but I do think they are a necessary part for most people. Bottom line is that most individuals will disagree about something . If the something matters, a quarrel may ensue.

My parents have also been marries for 40 years and in all that time I never saw them quarrel. However, they assure me that they have had several. They consider it a normal part of two people expressing themselves

Whaleboy · October 6, 2003, 15:10

Relationships suck.

Japher · October 6, 2003, 15:10

My parents argue all the time! Not fight, but argue. People laugh at them because of it.

They argue about mundane and arbitrary things. They once argued for four hours on a plane about the term "realistic fiction"... My mom said it was a good term, my dad said if it's fiction it's fiction!

It was funny.

MrFun · October 6, 2003, 15:48

Quote:

Originally posted by Japher
Not arguing is fine if there really is nothing to argue about.

Arguing is fine if it is an argument and not a spitting match.

Freedom to express oneself freely within a relationship is what's important, and both sides should exercise this freedom to avoid any ill-gotten hostilities.

Makes sense to me.