I Hear America Calling (Dave Barry)

Kuciwalker · October 13, 2003, 12:16

From the Sunday Washington Post:

Quote:

I Hear America Calling
Telemarketers can dish it out, but apparently they can't take it

By Dave Barry

Sunday, October 12, 2003; Page W40

I've been writing columns for a long time now, two or three centuries at least. I've written on topics that touched a nerve among you readers -- the moronic-TV-commercials nerve, the loud-cell-phone-talkers nerve, and of course the low-flow-toilet nerve. I even touched -- and I regret this deeply -- the Barry Manilow nerve.

But I've never touched a nerve like the one I touched when I wrote about telemarketers.

To review: Recently, I wrote a column about the National Do Not Call Registry, which allows you to go to an Internet site (www.donotcall.gov) and register your phone number. The plan is that most telemarketers would then be prohibited from calling you.

The Do Not Call Registry is wildly popular with the human public. More than 50 million households have signed up. This displeases the telemarketing industry, which believes it has a constitutional right to call people who do not want to be called. Several telemarketing groups have filed lawsuits to block the registry.

So in my column, I printed the toll-free telephone number of one of these groups, the American Teleservices Association. My thinking was:

Hey, if the ATA feels its members have a constitutional right to call you, then surely the ATA feels that you have an equally constitutional right to call the ATA.

Well.

It turned out that a lot of you were eager to call up the telemarketing industry. Thousands and thousands of you called the ATA. I found out about this when I saw an article in a direct-marketing newspaper, DM News, which quoted the executive director of the ATA, Tim Searcy. Here's an excerpt from the article:

"The ATA received no warning about the article from Barry or anyone connected with him, Searcy said . . . The Barry column has had harmful consequences for the ATA, Searcy said. An ATA staffer has spent about five hours a day for the past six days monitoring the voice mail and clearing out messages."

That's correct: The ATA received no warning that it was going to get unwanted calls! Not only that, but these unwanted calls were an inconvenience for the ATA, and wasted the ATA's time!

I just hope nobody interrupted the ATA's dinner.

Anyway, you can imagine how I felt. I would have called the ATA myself to express my feelings, but the ATA finally had to disconnect its phone number. Really.

I myself received approximately 7 billion phone calls, letters and e-mails on this topic. About 99 percent came from consumers who are wildly enthusiastic about the idea of calling telemarketers. Many of these consumers wanted me to publish more telemarketers' numbers, including residential numbers. As one e-mailer put it: "I think we should call them at home and try to sell them the idea of not calling people at home."

The other 1 percent of the response came from people in the telemarketing industry, who pointed out that I am evil vermin scum, and -- even worse -- a member of the news media. Their main arguments are that (a) telemarketers are hardworking people, and (b) if they're not allowed to call people who don't want to be called, telemarketing jobs could be lost, and the U.S. economy would suffer. Tim Searcy of the ATA was quoted in the Los Angeles Times as saying that the impact of the Do Not Call Registry would be (I did not make this quote up) "like an asteroid hitting the Earth." Yes. An asteroid!

As I write these words, lawyers and politicians and lobbyists and judges are swarming all over the telemarketing issue, so I don't know what the legal status of the Do Not Call Registry will be when you read this column. But it appears that the telemarketers plan to continue their efforts to save the planet by fighting for the right to call people who do not want to be called.

I realize that this makes many of you angry. I realize that many of you would like to, once again, let the telemarketers know how you feel. And I am, frankly, tempted to reveal to you here that the American Teleservices Association (www.ataconnect.org/) seems to have a phone line working (at least for now) at 317-816-9336.

But would it be right to reveal this? I mean, yes, you could call the ATA again. But the ATA surely doesn't want you to call again. It's inconvenient!

And to insist on calling somebody who doesn't want to be called, even if you have the legal right to call . . . well, that's just plain rude.

So I am taking the high road.

© 2003 The Washington Post Company

Kuciwalker · October 13, 2003, 12:17

I think this is absolutely brilliant.

Kuciwalker · October 13, 2003, 12:41

*bump*

Japher · October 13, 2003, 12:44

Nice...

Kuciwalker · October 13, 2003, 12:45

It'd be even better if they had an 800 number. Drive their phone bill off the wall

MrFun · October 13, 2003, 12:47

awesome, man

Oerdin · October 13, 2003, 13:24

I tried calling that number. It doesn't work.

Japher · October 13, 2003, 13:27

Quote:

I would have called the ATA myself to express my feelings, but the ATA finally had to disconnect its phone number. Really.

Dis · October 13, 2003, 13:46

some jobs will be lost.

some of you guys have to admit this.

But I have heard about a growing trend of door to door sales resurgence. I suspect many telemarketers will have to do that. Seeing as most telemarketers are fat and lazy- they could use the excersize of door to door sales

Arrian · October 13, 2003, 13:49

Amusing.

I've seen the point made a couple of times now, and I don't know why it hasn't caught on: the people on the "do not call" list are extremely unlikely to buy stuff from telemarketers anyway. So they're not only wasting our time, but their own. This should actually HELP the industry, by eliminating people who aren't going to buy anyway. Like me.

-Arrian

rah · October 13, 2003, 13:49

Considering that I have NEVER EVER purchased anything as a result of a telephone solicitation, you would think that the ATA would welcome the opportunity to take me off all of there lists. Calling me is a waste of resources, (even if it's just a few seconds on an auto dialer). I would have to assume that most of the other 50 million are similar. This should be a money saver for the industry. Let them concentrate on the other 150 million that are too dumb to put themselves on the do not call list. I'm sure their sales per hour will go up.

RAH
Darn Arrian beat me to it.
Yes it may mean a few less workers but those remaining should have a higher sales rate.

Kuciwalker · October 13, 2003, 14:36

Actually, it's 50 million households IIRC. Which means that roughly half of the families in the US have signed up.

Q Classic · October 13, 2003, 14:39

then let them concentrate on the 50 million households without intelligent life.

Elok · October 13, 2003, 16:34

I think their former number was a 1-800, Sky. That was probably additional incentive for them to shut it down.

And I think the irritation of the telemarketers is based on the fact that a large part of what keeps their sales profitable isn't people who really want what they're hocking, it's the people who don't know how to say no, often wind up buying the crap to avoid hanging up on the caller, and have put themselves on the list to avoid the situation altogether. Like with Spam, there's a certain sucker-to-rejection ratio that needs to be met for their solicitation to be profitable, but for all sorts of reasons that ratio is MUCH higher for telephone sales. For one thing, almost nobody ever listens to automated sales, so most solicitations require live callers. It's also more expensive to make a phone call than to bulk e-mail. You can harass hundreds of people online for less than fifty cents. The only thing they have going for them is personal, voiced communication, which is much more persuasive than text.

Obviously that won't work if you keep them from even calling, and to make it worse they couldn't go underground like spammers could if an equivalent law were passed for e-mail, because offline business requires a physical counterpart larger than a database in an empty room somewhere. A lot easier to trace too.

Which is not to say that I don't applaud Barry wholeheartedly. Solicitors are annoying and provide no useful service for the human race. They aren't even pleasantly, aesthetically useless like artists. If I were him I'd get a bomb detector in my mailbox though. Publicly trying to ruin the livelihood of legalized con artists isn't what I'd call safe...

MrFun · October 13, 2003, 18:28

Quote:

Originally posted by rah
Considering that I have NEVER EVER purchased anything as a result of a telephone solicitation, you would think that the ATA would welcome the opportunity to take me off all of there lists. Calling me is a waste of resources, (even if it's just a few seconds on an auto dialer). I would have to assume that most of the other 50 million are similar. This should be a money saver for the industry. Let them concentrate on the other 150 million that are too dumb to put themselves on the do not call list. I'm sure their sales per hour will go up.

Can you take me by the hand, and explain to me your paradox that putting my phone number on the "do not call" list will increase the number of telemarketers calling my number?

But I have not done that anyway -- but I'm not sure I understand your paradox.

Kuciwalker · October 13, 2003, 18:30

He isn't saying you will get more calls (you will get none); he's saying those calls they do make will be more effective, because they will be making them to the people who would say yes.

SKILORD · October 13, 2003, 18:32

clever.

MrFun · October 13, 2003, 18:39

Quote:

Originally posted by skywalker
He isn't saying you will get more calls (you will get none); he's saying those calls they do make will be more effective, because they will be making them to the people who would say yes.

Here is part of Rah's quote:

"Let them concentrate on the other 150 million that are too dumb to put themselves on the do not call list."

So isn't Rah saying that it's dumb to put yourself on the "do not call" list because telemarketers will call you anyway?

That does not make sense.

Kuciwalker · October 13, 2003, 18:42

No, he said that they are so dumb that they DON'T put themselves on the do not call list...

read a little more closely next time

MrFun · October 13, 2003, 18:44

um . . .

ok

BustaMike · October 13, 2003, 19:22

This column was great. I really do like Dave Barry. I also enjoy ****ing with telemarketers if I have a minute. It's tons of fun to get them going, then put the phone down and walk away and see how long they'll keep talking.

MrFun · October 13, 2003, 19:29

One time, I got so annoyed by a male telemarketer calling me, that I just asked him if he could just give me a blow job sometime.

No joke -- that's what I said. Needless to say, the poor telemarketer was flabbergasted and tried to resume reading his script, but then I hung up.

Elok · October 13, 2003, 23:24

Er, hasn't anybody here ever tried, "we do not accept over-the-phone solicitations"? They're pretty much required to hang up by law after you throw that at them, and it's a little less confrontational than, say, statutory phone-rape.

Dis · October 13, 2003, 23:29

but less fun

mrmitchell · October 13, 2003, 23:52

"Hello, I'm with American Debt and Vacations and was wondering if you would be interested in your debt going away AND being eligible to win a free Florida vacation package--"
"Yes, I would! This is the oppurtunity of my life!"
"Uh, thanks, the--"
"Thank you! I was sitting here and I was so worried about my growing debt burden...I couldn't see any way out!"
"Eh--"
"And while I'm at it I can win a vacation to Florida! Oh my god! Will I get to see Disney World?"
"Uh, yes, the vacation package includes a four-night stay at a hotel preferably located to Walt Disney World--"
"Yes! I can't believe it! This is the happiest day of my life!"
"Er--"
"There's no way I can thank you. I can see the light now, debt free..."
"Yeah--"
"No more debts. Thank god. And I'm so glad for it too...I was laid off but I've got a wife and two kids...babble babble 5 minutes babble"
"Thanks, sir, your story is...touching; now, I'll need more information--"
"Wait...what were we talking about again?"
"Debt consolidation"
"What's debt?"

alva · October 14, 2003, 00:25

and

to the article. Fighting and winning on their own terms!!

pchang · October 14, 2003, 00:37

American Teleservices Association
1666 K Street, NW, Suite 1200
Washington, DC 20006
Toll Free: (877) 779-3974
info@ataconnect.org
EDIT: This must have been the phone number they disconnected. The other one was on their web site too.
It appears that the 317 number is not connected to an answering machine. I guess we'll just have to try during regular business hours.

This is from their web page http://www.ataconnect.org/contact.htm

Perhaps those of us who are net connected can try phoning and e-mailing them with our opinion of the new legislation.

Berzerker · October 14, 2003, 01:00

Quote:

then let them concentrate on the 50 million households without intelligent life.

You mean the people who were so dumb they got unlisted numbers long ago to avoid hassling with telemarketers and don't need a do not call list?

pchang · October 14, 2003, 01:02

Is there already a law against soliciting unlisted numbers? If not, the autodialers will get unlisted numbers too.

Berzerker · October 14, 2003, 01:43

We've never gotten a telemarketer call except from charities we support. There may be a law or autodialers may work from publicly provided numbers, like from phone books. No, come to think of it, we did get a couple calls from pollsters but they may have been exempt if there is a law. Anyone familiar with telemarketers and autodialers? MtG?