Department of Antiquities
THE RANGERS OF NIMH II
MiSTed by Joseph Nebus, Kevin A. Pezzano and Chris Street
Edited by Håkan Svensson
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Season 7 opening theme. Open on the SOL, which is covered in art materials.
Pencils and half-open bottles of ink everywhere, bristol board pages with
half-completed comic pages adorn the walls, and scattered comic books lay
about. Tom and Crow are in deep discussion.]
TOM: Okay, okay...so in the first panel, Marrissa stands like Superman...
CROW: Yeah! In a strawberry-colored wedding dress!
TOM: Oooh, good one!
[Mike enters.]
MIKE: Hey, guys. What's with the mess?
TOM: Oh, well, Crow and I came across this old stash of small-press comic
books...
CROW: Graphic novels!
TOM: Comic books!
CROW: [shouting] Graphic novels!!!
MIKE: Woah, woah! Calm down! Actually, they *would* be comic books. Graphic
novels are those large, single story squarebound collections that...
[trails off after noticing that Tom and Crow are staring at him]
Okay, the whole question is academic. But what does that have to do
with what you guys are doing?
CROW: Well, I remember all the great small-press comics that I used to read,
and I figured, hey... *I* can do that!
TOM: Yeah, all you need is an idea and cash for the printer.
CROW: It's like fanfic writing... but with *money*! Just look at this comic!
MIKE: "Crossed Swords" [flips it open] "with real dungeon adventure
inside". This looks like it was done by two 12 year old D&D geeks!
The "dungeon" makes no sense, and the art resembles my little
brother's doodling during math tests!
CROW: Yeah, isn't it great? It's fan fiction with bucks! If *they* can have a
comic, so can we!
TOM: And to save us the trouble of coming up with ideas on our own, we
decided to actually make comic adaptations of fanfics!
MIKE: Oh boy...
[commercial sign]
MIKE: Uh-oh... We'll be right back.
[commercials]
[SOL]
TOM: All right, where were we?
CROW: Marrissa was just about to order her crew to sterilize the surface of
a nearby world, in a gigantic splash page!
MIKE: Guys, this will never work! Who wants to read a comic about a group
of teenagers with uncanny abilities that routinely save the entire
world from stupid villains with even stupider plots, amidst much
death and destruction?
TOM: You mean like in any X-Men book, Mike?
CROW: Or Troublemakers?
TOM: Or Gen 13?
CROW: Or Teen Titans?
TOM: Or Akira?
MIKE: Never mind.
[Red light flashes]
MIKE: Besides, the Evil Ones are calling.
[Deep 13]
DR. F: Ah, yes, Mike and the mechanicals. You should consider yourselves
very lucky, since you will have front row seats today, when I
launch the scheme that will give me control of the world!
[SoL]
MIKE: Let me guess... Mind-control rays through the ethereal waves?
TOM: Fluoridation of water?
CROW: Worldwide transmission of dumb puppet shows?
[Deep 13]
PEARL: Clayton, they're *mocking* you!
DR. F: Don't worry, mother, they will give in once they experience the
wrath of... the *Sequelizer*!
[The first bars of Bach's "Toccata and Fugue in D minor" play as Dr.
Forrester uncovers a machine behind him.]
DR. F: As you all know, the sequel to any work is more often than not
worse than the original. Now, imagine what would happen if someone
would invent a machine that would automatically produce a sequel to
anything fed into it?
[SoL]
CROW: They would make it head of a major movie company?
[Deep 13]
DR. F: No, it would allow me to weaken the minds of everyone by flooding
the world with the most putrid works ever filmed or written! Allow
me to demonstrate. [Dr. F holds up a videotape.] This is a tape of
"Batman Returns," a movie with at least some good qualities to it.
[He feeds the tape to the Sequelizer. Wisps of steam shoot out from it as
its cogs grind loudly. Finally, the sequelizer stops with a hiss as it
spits out a new tape, which Dr. Forrester holds up to the camera.]
DR. F: It's "Batman Forever," a movie with not so many good qualities about
it! To save time, I prepared the machine with "Batman Forever"
earlier, and it spit out "Batman & Robin"! Now, just imagine what
would happen if i fed the machine with *that*!
[SoL]
MIKE: Uhhh...
[Deep 13]
DR. F: Well, guess what, you don't have to guess, because I already did it!
It's "Batman: The Final Frontier" starring and directed by William
Shatner!
[SoL]
TOM: Mike, I'm scared.
MIKE: Me too. Please, Dr. Forrester, we'll do whatever you want, just don't
show us *that*!
[Deep 13]
DR. F: Of course I wouldn't! I've got evil on a *much* grander scale lined
up especially for you!
PEARL: I'm proud of you, Clayton. I just didn't think that you were capable
of *that* much evil. [She pinches Dr. Forrester's cheek.]
DR. F: [embarrassed] Whatever. Anyway, I'm going to give you a special treat
since you piled up Deep 13 with waffles in the last MiSTing. [He
puts on a rubber glove and carefully picks up a zip-locked plastic
bag marked with skull symbols. The bag contains some sheets of
paper.] This is a hardcopy of "The Rangers of NIMH," that...
*remarkable* fanfic by David Gonterman and Paul Lapensee, and there
are no points awarded for guessing what I intend to do with it.
[SoL]
MIKE: No!
TOM: Don't!
CROW: You are meddling with powers you cannot *possibly* comprehend!
[Deep 13]
DR. F: [grinning even more evilly than usual] Just watch me.
[As Dr. Forrester feeds the fanfic to the Sequelizer, its cogs start to gain
speed, accelerating beyond control. The chugging of the Sequelizer rises in
volume in a crescendo, until it blows up spectacularly in a cloud of smoke.]
DR. F: Oh, poopie.
PEARL: Clayton, you tampered in God's domain again, didn't you?
DR. F: Do I ever do anything else, dear mother? [He picks up some pieces
of paper which miraculously survived the explosion and faces the
camera holding them.] Why don't you take a look at this? It's not
much, but I'm sure there's enough hurting in there for a whole
Marrissa story.
[Sol, lights and buzzers go off]
ALL: WE'VE GOT INCREDIBLY LAME FANFIC SIGN!!
[ 6 ... 5 ... 4 ... 3 ... 2 ... 1 ]
[Our heroes enter the theater]
TOM: Mike, if Dr. Forrester ever shows us that Batman movie, promise you
will kill me first.
MIKE: You know you can count on me, pal.
> The remains of the lab is combed over by a vanload of scientists.
MIKE: They're covering up the lab's bald spot.
> They
> picked that place clean,
CROW: They left not the tiniest piece of flesh on the bone.
> searching for anything they might be interested
> in.
TOM: Mmm... Month-old Chinese food... some Lego blocks... big box of
toothpicks...
> But, all they can do is look at each other and shake their heads.
MIKE: Wow, they didn't waste any time getting to the meat of the story, did
they?
CROW: More like the disgusting intestinal flora of the story.
>
> They'll won't find anything of interest there as much as they won't know
> that they're being watched.
MIKE: Hey, I think the narrator's gonna spoil the story for us! Where's the
netiquette and spoiler space, bucko?
TOM: I take it this is Gonterman's idea of subtle foreshadowing.
>
> Especially by a rat with a holographic gyroscope.
TOM: [chuckling] Isn't it cute when they try to use science?
CROW: He's looking through the gyroscope and... yes! There's the pole star,
right where he left it.
>
> Another rat, much younger than this rat in question approaches him.
MIKE: "Thank you, Ratbert, but we're *not* hiring right now."
>
> "All of the captured rodents are recovered and accounted for, Justin."
>
> "Good going, Rasco.
MIKE: Rasco P. Coltrane?
TOM: Hyuk hyuk hyuk.
> Er, anything left for these scientists?"
>
> "No way. What we didn't pick up, that Zannie dude in that freaky armor
> picked up. Even though he didn't get the formula, he sure runs a tight
> ship."
TOM: [singing] If they could see me now, out on a fun ship cruise! I'm
wearing stupid armor and killing who I choose!
> "Hmmm, all that's needed now is for Jonathan to contact us.
CROW: Or we could go drinking instead.
> Where's
> that mousie at?"
TOM: [robotic monotone] He's got two turntables and a microphone.
>
> "He's still hooked up with those Rangers I told you about, I suspected
> he'd stay, with what I've heard from the grapevine."
MIKE: Also, the azaleas are planning a rebellion. November 17th. Spread
the word.
>
> "So have I. Ras, that tree the Rescue Rangers lives in isn't far from
> where Mrs. Brisby is visiting.
CROW: And launching her ten-city concert tour!
> Send word to her and tell him that we
> need to talk."
CROW: "Send word to *her* and tell *him*"? Could we have antecedents for
these pronouns, please?
TOM: Ah, that David Gonterman. Changing characters' sex in the middle of
sentences again.
MIKE: Up to the usual business, I see.
>
> "Will do."
MIKE: And no slapping him this time.
> _________________________________
>
> FoxFire Studios Presents:
TOM: [singing] The fox, the fox, the fox is on fire...
> The Rangers of NIMH II:
CROW: Where Rangers Dare.
> Gadget Hackwrench and the Rats of NIMH
MIKE: [Art Fern] Starring Fay Wray, Doris Day, Charles Kay, Ernest Jaye,
and Splats the wonder pigeon.
>
> Based on 'Chip 'n' Dale's Rescue Rangers' by The Walt Disney Company
> and 'The Secret of NIMH' by Sullivan-Bluth Studios
MIKE: Thankfully, Gilbert managed to extricate himself before the terror
began!
TOM: What, Gonterman's so ashamed he didn't even want to put his name on it?
>
> __________________________________________
>
> Part 1:
>
> "Yoo-hooooo, over here, you silly humans!
TOM: Silly human LAAAAAADIES!
> Yer ain't gonna find anything
> over there! Ha-ha, made you look!"
CROW: And Pee Wee Herman teams up with the Rescue Rangers.
>
> Jonathan Brisby was having some yucks
TOM: That's pretty much my response to this whole sordid business.
> at the expense of the scientists
> and what he calls their 'Stupid Human Tricks.'
MIKE: And you thought Letterman was going downhill *before*!
>
> Gadget Hackwrench was mere
TOM: I imagine she *was* mere. She *is* a mouse, after all.
> standing by and giggling at her new
> boyfriend's comical teasing.
TOM: Then she noticed Jonathan.
>
> Monterey Jack was inside fixing up his prized Cheese Chowder when he
> heard a knock on the door.
CROW: Touch of parmesean and a little sprinkling of arsenic... heh heh...
They'll never see it coming.
> He opened it to find a shy field mouse in a
> flowing blue cape.
CROW: [mouse] Trick or treat for UNICEF!
TOM: [mouse] Want to buy some Mouse Scout cookies, mister?
MIKE: [mouse] Have you given your heart over to Jesus? Here, have a
pamphlet!
>
> Montey: "Hello, ma'am. Something we can do for you?"
>
> Mouse:
MIKE: Mystery Mouse, enter and sign in, please!
TOM: Oh, joy. "Mouse"! Yet another fascinating character brought to you by
the FoxFire Studios!
> "H-hello. Is this the Rescue Rangers--"
TOM: Only tangentially.
>
> Montey: "Right you are miss. Come on inside. I'm Monterey Jack."
MIKE: [Mouse] But I just... I'm only looking for the library... uh...
>
> Mouse: "Thank you. I'm Jennifer, and I'm looking for my great-
> grandson, and I've heard he's here. Jonathan Brisby by name."
CROW: He's a subplot, by trade.
>
> Montey: "You're heard right, love. I'll whistle him down for y-y-y-y-
> y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y"
TOM: Someone hit Monty, he's skipping again!
MIKE: Why not go straight to the source and hit the author?
>
> Jennifer: "Pardon?"
>
> Montey: "Your great-grandson?"
CROW: No, my great-grandson.
>
> She nods.
>
> Montey: "Then that makes you--"
MIKE: Gonterman's dumbest plot device yet!
>
> Jonathan: "Grandma Jenny!"
MIKE: So, JB Junior is the great-grandson of the original Jonathan, but Ms.
Brisby is his grandma. Great attention to detail here.
TOM: I just noticed, guys: this fanfic has gone from narrative to script form
all of a sudden.
CROW: Ah. This *really is* a sequel to "The Rangers of NIMH".
>
> Jennifer turned around to see
MIKE: A new car!
> the mouse she was looking for, the two
> greeted each other in a hug.
CROW: Hi, I'm Jenny, and I'll be your family for this evening.
>
> Gadget: "You know her, JB?"
TOM: [Jonathan] Yeah, I know her! She's my great-grandmother!
MIKE: Sheesh, hasn't she been paying attention?
CROW: Have you been, Mike?
MIKE: Touché.
>
> Jonathan: "Yeah, I do. Gadget, Monterey, this here's Jennifer Brisby.
> She's the widow of the original JB."
MIKE: [Jonathan] And several other rich mice with large insurance policies
that died mysteriously. Go figure, eh?
>
> She curtseyed.
>
> Montey: "Too-la-loo, you look exactly like the one in the Movie, Mrs.
> Briz."
TOM: Except you, we hate!
>
> Gadget: "Golly, if you're his great-grandmother, you don't look the
> age."
MIKE: Well, except that the gestation period for mice is twelve days.
>
> Jennifer: "Why, thank you. But really, you should thank this stone
> Little Johnny wears."
CROW: [Jonathan] Grandma! You promised you'd never tell anyone about my
little Johnny!
>
> She lifted it up with one finger, and it flashed,
MIKE: [amulet] Hey! I'm the *real* star of this fanfic!
> making her jerk her
> hand back, as if she touched something unbearably hot.
TOM: No, no. Only daddy touch.
>
> Jonathan: "The amulet's kinda developed a 'tude while I've been weaning
> it, Grandma.
TOM: I hear the amulet even has a tongue piercing.
CROW: Sheesh, magical stones these days!
> That's why I always wear these gloves, you see?"
MIKE: It's not cause the animators can't draw hands! I swear!
>
> Jennifer was cooling her finger with her mouth. "And be dressed like a
> Toon? No thank you."
CROW: [Jennifer] I *like* wearing pants!
>
> _____________________________________
>
> Jennifer continues her story over hot tea.
MIKE: Interior, Ranger Tree. Jennifer continues her story over hot tea...
TOM: I think we're back to narrative, Mike.
> "I used that stone to move
> my old farm home--by myself, no less."
MIKE: [Mrs. Brisby] And then I used it to defeat the Khanate of the Golden
Horde singlehandedly, before I took on Saddam Hussein and Theodore
Kazynski, who had teamed up with a zombie Stalin, and...
> Montey: "I believe you lass. We've seen that stone in action.
CROW: [Monty] It's almost like a rock.
TOM: Sorry, Mike. It's a script again.
>
> Jennifer: "Hmm-hmm. And later on I realized that I'm still having it's
> affects,
CROW: Why, just last week, it made me wear silly hats!
> and it's not just these burn marks on my hands. It changed me,
> inside.
MIKE: It gave me a chewey nougat center.
> It did to me . . . what the experiments from NIMH did to my
> husband."
TOM: [Jennifer] It changed me from a likeable character to one of
Gonterman's!
>
> Gadget: "Golly!"
>
> JB: "Yeah. Imagine the blow-away when she passed that blood test.
MIKE: She never expected to have blood!
> She has the same effects as the Rats had. Not only had she grown more
> intelligent, but she also got a longer lifeline.
CROW: And she got a neat collectible dinner plate.
> But that little
> feature was a little bittersweet."
TOM: Just *try* to bake with it!
>
> Gadget: "How come?"
>
> JB: "Statistically, Country Mice don't live as long as City Mice. It's
> probably an environment thing. I was raised in the city, so I can't
> speak for them, but that's the reason why Mrs. Brisby
MIKE: So, JB isn't on first-name terms with his own family?
> outlived three out
> of her four kids, and a vast majority of her grandchildren."
CROW: [Jonathan] Funny how they all left everything to her in their wills.
Oh, well. More tea, anyone?
>
> Gadget: "Oh."
TOM: [Gadget] That cleared up things a *lot.*
>
> Jennifer sighs: "I often dreamt of growing old, while the man that I
> love remained a young mouse.
MIKE: So who, exactly, does she love - a man or a mouse?
[The bots chuckle.]
CROW: Are we men, or are we mice?
ALL: Men! Mice! Er....
> I didn't expect to see the dream from the
> other end.
MIKE: That's an awfully long sigh.
> It wouldn't have been that bad if I didn't have to bury my
> children, and not the other way around.
TOM: [Mrs. Brisby] Especially since the dirt didn't muffle their cries and
pleas for several days!
MIKE: Woah, that's dark!
> But then I was able to see
> him." She points to Jonathan.
CROW: [Jennifer] Boy did *I* feel like a chump.
> "Little Johnny here looked and smelled
> exactly like my husband.
MIKE: But... her husband had been dead for years.
> He even has the spots on the right places. I
> simply *had* to give him his name and amulet."
TOM: Because Johnny's *MOM* had nothing to say in the matter?
>
> Monterey and Gadget was listing to her story with relish. JB, however,
> has heard this story a million times, and was patiently waiting for her
> to finish only to humor his Great-Grandmother.
MIKE: Okay, when the main character is bored with the story, that's a good
time to quit.
> "Well, there's more to
> you showing up than just to tell my new friends how you threatened to
> fry everyone with The Stone unless you call me Jonathan Brisby."
CROW: So she's the muscine Marrissa?
TOM: You expected anything else?
MIKE: [singing] She's Jenny -- watch out or she just might kick your ass...
> He
> took out a paper from his vest. "Justin's pining away for
MIKE: The fjords?
> this report,
> ain't he?"
TOM: [Justin] Oh, report! I love you so! When will you come and rescue me?
>
> Jennifer: "He's not that bad, JB! He knows that you're with your
> friends and will bring it to us when you can . . . especially with you,
> Gadget. Is it true, that your father . . . "
CROW: [Jennifer] ...lived in eternal shame about his daughter?
>
> Gadget nodded. "Yes'm, I'm a NIMH Rat too.
TOM: [Gadget] Well, a NIMH *mouse*, anyway.
> Dr. Ages found that out.
> Daddy was one of the ones that got sucked down the vent and lived."
MIKE: [Gadget] He died three years before I was born.
>
> Jennifer ah'd. "I know some of them did survived.
TOM: I'd knowed some'd of'd them'd did survived!
MIKE: Lay off a bit, Tom. The grammar and spelling aren't *that* bad.
> I know that one of
> them actually mailed himself to my old home.
TOM: Do you send a plot point first, second, or third class mail?
CROW: A third class stamp for a fourth class story.
> Why we at Thorn Valley
> ever heard more of them, I don't know."
MIKE: Personally, I blame UPS.
>
> Gadget: "Hmm...You know, I've been thinking of going to Thorn Valley
> with JB, even if just to visit, but I don't know.
TOM: Visit beautiful Thorn Valley this summer! See the spectacular rushing
rivers and the pastoral green glens!
CROW: Not to mention the budding civilization founded by sentient rats!
> What about the Rescue
> Rangers?"
TOM: Killed in Vietnam.
>
> Montey: "What about the Rescue Rangers, Gadget Love?"
CROW: [Gadget] Oh, they were always hanging around backstage at our
concerts...
>
> JB, Gadget, and Jennifer turned to see the Aussie Mouse, who was looking
> melancholy outside a window.
MIKE: This is like one of those quantum universe stories where it's told in
every verb tense.
>
> Montey: "This place can't hold anything for us anymore, Mates.
> Especially from what I hear from the Disney Brass.
TOM: What I hear from the Disney woodwinds is more encouraging, but...
> You know that Fringe
> Crap I've been telling you about? Miramax? People from the American
> Way?
CROW: Nike? Sun? Resnick's Troy Mattress Warehouse? White Castle?
> All this Political garbage that Michael Eisner brought with him
> that's got a stranglehold of that company? Well, it's getting worse,
> and it's making Uncle Walt turn over in his urn. Heck, even Mickey
> Mouse left Disney over it, finally."
MIKE: Woah! Looney screed out of left field, guys! Duck!
>
> Gadget: "He finally left? Golly!"
CROW: Well, golly gosh darned gee whiz bang it all.
>
> Jonathan: "You're kidding. That mouse *made* Disney."
TOM: ...out of bubblegum and bailing wire! A miracle of animatronics!
>
> Monterey: "I'm as serious as one of Walt's strokes. He's roaming the
> US looking for talent
MIKE: What? He's overlooking the whole Internet?
TOM: Yeah, how about that.
> to make his own little kingdom the way his old man
> would make it. I hear he's hooking up with a FanFict Web Writer from
> St. Louis first.
CROW: Note to self: Put Saint Louis, Missouri together with Roanoke,
Virigina on the "things to do when we get a laser on the satellite"
list.
> Maybe we should hook up with something else as well,
> like the Legendary Rats of NIMH. Do you think they won't mind the
> Rescue Rangers moving to Thorn Valley?"
MIKE: Isn't that where the Herculoids lived?
>
> Jonathan: "I dunno, let's ask them."
TOM: Okay. You got the Herculoids' phone number?
>
> Jennifer: "I'm sure they'll won't mind."
MIKE: I'm just saying, you really should ask Mightor -- they could have
plans.
>
> Gadget: "Then let's do it!"
TOM: All right, but it's your mess when those gelatenous things slime you.
> ____________________________________________
>
> The foursome loaded up the Ranger Plane with whatever they would hold
> them for a few days.
CROW: Comic books, video games, pocket CD player...
MIKE: Food?
CROW: Nah, there'll be some somewhere.
> "Don't worry about the rest, guys," JB told them,
> "I'm sure they'll help with the rest." And prepared to fly to Thorn
> Valley.
>
MIKE: Thank you, oh God of Pointless Narration.
> Montey: "What's with the blindfold, Mrs. Briz?"
CROW: [Mrs. Brisby] I'm hoping the firing squad gets me before my character
is completely destroyed by this fanfic.
>
> Jennifer: "Oh? You've gotta excuse me, I'm still a touch afraid of
> heights,
CROW: You mean, somebody's actually going to stay in character...?
MIKE: [Mrs. Brisby] Hey, you'd be an acrophobe too, if you were only 3 inches
high!
> but I'll be okay as long as I don't have to see it.
MIKE: Uh-huh.
CROW: Get the feeling "The Bob Newhart Show" should come with a warning that
that isn't *real* psychotherapy going on?
> Little
> Johnny here can lead you there."
TOM: [singing] Johnny, angry Johnny!
>
> Jonathan hopped in next to Gadget--the pilot--while Monterey and
> Jennifer took the back.
TOM: It's Gadget out in front, Jonathan keeping close behind, Monterey and
Jennifer bringing up the rear as they go into the first turn...
> (It was by this time that Zipper finally showed
> up, whom Montey quickly called him to come before they left the fly.)
MIKE: And I was SO concerned about Zipper, too...
>
> "I know the place like the back of my hand."
TOM: [Maxwell Smart] Now can someone help me find the back of my hand?
>
> Gadget got ready to take off, but she had to stop to let a flock of
> crows to pass.
CROW: Hey, look, Gadget! Ten points!
>
> Montey: "Crikey! What did they do? Build a skyway by our tree?"
MIKE: [radio announcer] Traffic will be tied up on Skyway 101... a murder of
crows is passing through. I advise an alternate route for all sparrows,
paper airplanes, balsa wood gliders, and Ranger Planes.
>
> Jennifer: "Oh, be patient on them, Monterey. Some of my best friends
> are crows."
MIKE: Brandon Lee?
TOM: That lame singer with the dreadlocks?
[Tom and Mike look at Crow]
CROW: It's not ME, guys!!
>
> Gadget and JB gave each other a 'Is she crazy or just senile?' looks.
TOM: She can be both, and more!
>
> Jonathan: "Tell me about it? Sometimes I don't watch myself and
MIKE: Feel ashamed.
> wonder that the Scientists shot *her* up with."
CROW: And when was Mrs. Brisby treated by scientists? Sometimes *I* wonder
what they gave Gonterman!
>
> Jennifer's laugh caught her off-guard
TOM: Aaaah! Don't hit me!
> for the rush from the Ranger Plane
> taking off for the skies, and heading for the countryside,
ALL: [ Engine sputtering noises, followed by plane falling and crashing
noises. ]
> rising in
> altitude for the long trip to what they will find to be the planet's
> largest rodent community.
CROW: Well, second largest, after Ypsilanti, Michigan.
>
> ============================================
>
> All right, True Believers. Let's see how long I can bring *this* baby?
TOM: So far, it's been about since the dawn of time, by my watch.
MIKE: Longer, for me.
>
> And this time, I don't see anything--or any ONE--to piss me off and stop
> me.
MIKE: [Waving hands in the air] Yo-hooo! Gonterman!
CROW: We're over here!
TOM: Let's get out and hope he's heard us.
[They leave the theater]
[Mike, Tom, and Crow are standing around, hurting. Mike is holding an
envelope.]
TOM: Relax, Crow. Dr. Forrester *did* warn us.
CROW: [hyperventilating]
TOM: Crow?
MIKE: Hey, Crow! Cool it!
CROW: [forcing himself to speak] I... cannot... go on.... must... give...
up.... lost... will to... live....
TOM: Hey! Crow! The fanfic's hardly even *started*!
CROW: [gasps in pain]
MIKE: Crow, Crow! I know something that will cheer you up... [waves envelope
in front of Crow's face] It's a letter!
CROW: [quiets.]
MIKE: That's right. Calm down. Let your breath come easy. You'll be all
right.
TOM: What's the letter say, Mike?
MIKE: [opens the flap and pulls the letter out] It's a letter from one of our
fans! This is the part of the show where we take a question from our
loyal fans and try to answer it. OK. This comes from little Billy in
Saskatoon, Saskatchewan. He's asking a question about the heroine of
today's fanfic...
CROW: Gadget Hackwrench?
MIKE: No, the *real* heroine of today's fanfic, Mrs. Brisby.
CROW: Oh.
MIKE: He writes: "Dear Joel..."
BOTS: *Joel?*
MIKE: OK, so it's been sitting around for a while. "You know a lot about
movies, so maybe you can answer my question. Why is it that Mrs.
Brisby, from 'The Secret of NIMH', always wears that red cape of
hers wherever she goes? I asked my parents and they looked at me kind
of weird; I don't think they know."
TOM: All right; a good question. But first, little Billy, is it a *cape* or
a *cloak*?
CROW: I think it's a cape.
TOM: I dunno... seems more like a cloak to me...
MIKE: Leave it aside, guys. Answer his question.
[The bots start thinking.]
CROW: Oh! I know! I know!
MIKE: All right. Crow?
CROW: Billy, it's just like that ghost story we all heard when we were kids.
That cape is *actually* holding Mrs. Brisby's head on! If she were
ever to take it off, her head would roll away!
MIKE: Good answer. Seems likely. Hmmm.... anyone else?
TOM: Oh! Pick me! Pick me!
MIKE: Servo?
TOM: Billy, Mrs. Brisby always wears that cloak...
CROW: Cape.
TOM: That *cloak*, because it complements her eye shadow.
MIKE: Mrs. Brisby wears eye shadow?
TOM: Sure. Didn't you ever notice?
MIKE: No, but *you* would, Tom. Well, personally, *I* know *exactly* what's
going on. Mrs. Brisby wears a red cape as a political statement! Sure,
by day she *seems* a timid little field mouse, but by night she
conspires in an underground movement to overthrow the tyrannical rule of
the human dictator Farmer Fitzgibbons and establish a socialist
rodent's republic! The red cape is a token of party loyalty!
CROW: But the cape in today's fanfic is *blue!*
MIKE: Oh. Never mind.
TOM: Hey, I know! Little Billy, Mrs. Brisby wears her cloak - don't say it,
Crow - because it *identifies* her! It sets her apart; it lets you
know she's not an ordinary field mouse, but a soul, a monad, an
intelligent entity. It's a symbol of her personification and an
expression of anthropomorphism. It's like Wagnerian drama; that
cloak is Mrs. Brisby's "leitmotiv".
MIKE: I think maybe you mean "kleidmotiv", Tom.
TOM: Whatever you say, Mike.
CROW: Hey, why don't *you*, the readers at home, tell us what you think?
The question is, again: "Why does Mrs. Brisby wear that red cape of
hers wherever she goes?" Send your replies to:
[Cambot flashes the Info Club address on the screen, Crow recites it]
MIKE: And if you're that weirdo who's been sending us all of those postcards
that say, "Because Zena Bernstein said so," stop it. It's not funny.
*We mean it.*
BOTS: Yeah.
[Movie sign activates]
[ 6 ... 5 ... 4 ... 3 ... 2 ... 1 ]
(continued in part 2)
(continued from part 1)
[Mike and the bots reenter the theater and resume their seats.]
CROW: Cape.
TOM: Cloak.
CROW: Cape!
TOM: Cloak!
MIKE: That's enough, you two.
> The Ranger Plane soared high above the trees on its way to the Thorn Valley
> conservation lot
TOM: Thorn Valley Conservation Lot. Assuring us that we will have thorns for
future generations.
> and the colony of the Legendary Rats of NIMH, of which three
> of the passengers there are--or should be--active members.
CROW: Unfortunately, they've fallen behind on their dues.
> 'Should'
> applies to Gadget, who's piloting while Jonathan rides shotgun.
MIKE: [Jonathan] Does the gun *HAVE* to point at me?
TOM: [Gadget] Definitely.
> Jennifer, John's
> Great-grandmother and widow of his namesake
MIKE: ...as well as perhaps the oldest field mouse in the world...
> sits blindfolded in the
> back--she's acrophobic--with Monterey and Zipper.
TOM: [very darkly] Little does she know her captors are escorting her to
her doom...
>
> Gadget: How much farther, JB?
CROW: One and a half plot points.
>
> Jonathan: Not far, Gadget. Just over to those trees, and I'll guide you
> into a secret entrance. Trust me, you'll know when you're there, heh-heh.
TOM: It's the one with the big, glowing, arc-lit sign reading "SECRET
ENTRANCE."
>
> Gadget: Riiiiight--Hey! What's that over there?
>
> Jonathan: Where?
>
> Gadget: To the right and down.
TOM: [Bends over, kind of looking down]
MIKE: [Zips his hand up and bops Tom's dome] Bop! Gotcha!
CROW: I love that joke...
> Jonathan grabbed a spy glass
MIKE: ...out of the ether...
> and searched the countryside until he found an
> orange cat big enough to fill his entire scope,
TOM: Great, now it's a crossover with Garfield.
> who just dropped his
> binoculars and screamed something along the lines of what the mouse say by
> reading the cats lips:
CROW: ["Meow Mix" jingle, skeptically] "Meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow
meow, meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow, meow?"
>
> "RESCUE RODENTS?!?! I THOUGHT THEY BROKE UP!!!"
TOM: I *swear* I read where Yoko Ono was dating them!
>
> Jonathan: Hey, Monterey, is that the cat you told me about?
>
> Montey: Yep. He's Fat Cat all right.
CROW: Hey! That's 'Big Boned Feline-American' to YOU, pal!
> _______________________________________
>
> FoxFire Studios Presents
TOM: A new documentary, "NIOBIUM: AMERICA'S SECRET WEAPON!"
>
> The Rangers of NIMH II:
> Gadget Hackwrench and the Rats of NIMH
TOM: Oh, God! We hit a time warp and were sent back to the beginning of the
fanfic!
ALL: AAAIIEEE!!
>
> Issue II
MIKE: Calm down! It's just the second part!
ALL: [look at each other for a second, then] AIIEE!!
TOM: So it's "Part I", but "Issue II"?
>
> By David Gonterman
TOM: The poor man's Stephen Ratliff.
MIKE: Nobody's *that* poor.
>
> Based on 'Chip 'n' Dale's Rescue Rangers' by the Walt Disney Company
> and 'The Secret of NIMH' by Sullivan/Bluth Studios.
CROW: In much the same way that corn bread is "based on" Kansas.
> ________________________________________
>
> Mole: Not really, Boss. When the chipmunks moved out to join the Rescue
> Aid Society, a new mouse has been added.
MIKE: Yes, the Rescue Aid Society! Part of the Assistance Help Program!
CROW: A division of Incorporated, Ltd.
>
> Meeps: Yeah, a long haired heart-breaker packing more magic than Mickey,
TOM: He's got nearly two whole trailers full at the storage warehouse.
> from what I hear. His name's Jon--
MIKE: Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt.
>
> Fat Cat: Jonathan Brisby, I know. <returns to his binocs and finds The
> Mouse in Black again, he's talking it out with the other passengers.>
TOM: "Well, if we leave him alone, there's a fifty percent chance he'll
accidentally kill himself and the rest of his party."
> So
> what I heard *is* true: The so-called Legendary Rats of NIMH. They
> actually *do* exist.
CROW: Wait... He knows Jonathan Brisby, yet doesn't know of the Rats of
NIMH?
MIKE: Don't expect logic from people who write themselves into stories in
bunny suits.
> Wha--HE CAN'T FLICK ME OFF LIKE THAT! I'M A DISNEY STAR DAMNIT!
TOM: Well...a recurring villain, at least, in a series that ran for a year
or two and went into eternal reruns and was forgotten.
> MAN THE CANNON!!
MIKE: "But, sir! Only the gerbils are trained on it!"
>
> Jonathan hops back in his seat. "*That* sure got their attention. Get
> ready. Hold on to your guts, Grandma; this is gonna suck."
CROW: Hey! We can find our *own* straight lines, thank you.
>
> Jennifer: "Oh Boy..."
TOM: Aaaaugh!! Now it's a "Quantum Leap" crossover, too!
>
> Fat Cat's cronies whipped off the tarp to reveal:
MIKE: A new car!
>
> Montey: Crikey! An antiaircraft harpoon?! Gadget, get us outta here!"
>
> They aimed.
CROW: Which?
>
> Gadget pressed the button marked 'Balloon Release.'
MIKE: Chee, even Speed Racer didn't have a "balloon release" button!
TOM: Even Inspector Gadget didn't have a "balloon release" gadget!
CROW: Even Captain Caveman didn't have a "balloon release" in his hair!
>
> They fired.
CROW: Who?
>
> A 'click' was heard as the balloon above the Ranger Plane was let go.
TOM: And the Ranger Plane plummeted to Earth and crashed in a fiery
conflagration. There were no survivors. The end.
>
> Gadget pressed 'Prop Convert' before the fall can begin.
MIKE: Oh, don't do that, it makes Photoshop crash every time.
>
> The Harpoon struck the balloon head on as the Ranger Plane plummeted
> straight down,
MIKE: Yeah, you already said it plummeted straight down...
CROW: He *really* means it.
> as it did, wings unfolded, each with two propellers at
> each wing.
TOM: Switch to Gerwalk mode!
CROW: Otaku.
TOM: Shut up!
>
> Jennifer took a peek from behind her blindfold, eeped, and placed it back
> over her eyes, she took a white-knuckle hold on the chair in front of her,
MIKE: Ha. Ha ha.
CROW: Help us...
> hoping that Gadget will pull out before they went splat.
>
> She did, sending them head-on for Fat Cat and his cronies.
CROW: So this is an action sequence.
TOM: I think I liked the inaction better.
MIKE: I think I liked the nutrition labels on gum better.
>
> Then Jonathan leapt to the front of the wing, on the nose.
ALL: [Hum the Indiana Jones theme]
>
> Montey: Did I ever told you that you're nuts, JB?
MIKE: *We* could have told him that!
>
> Jonathan: Get ready to fry, Tubby Tabby!
CROW: Tubby Tabby's Toy Boats?
>
> Fat Cat was dead in JB's sights:
MIKE: If he's dead, Jonathan doesn't need to bother, does he?
> TUBBY TABBY!?! The name's 'Fat Cat,'
> you young punk!
TOM: Um... So what's the difference?
>
> Jonathan: READY!
MIKE: One, for the money...
> <He raises his hand up high> AIM!
MIKE: Two, for the show...
> <his hand fills with
> yellow spark. His amulet begins to glow!>
TOM: Wow! This is great! I can actually *see* it all happening!
> FIRE! <He winds up,
MIKE: Three, to get ready...
CROW: Here's the windup, and the pitch!...
> allowing
> the amulet to flow fire into his waiting hand, creating a little orb of
> flame.
CROW: Haryuken!
TOM: Mars Fire Ignite!
MIKE: Go Go Gadget Laser!
> BALL!
MIKE: ...and four, to go!
TOM: Ball?
> <He fires a heater straight at Fat Cat, which
> explodes into a small contained inferno.
TOM: We should be thankful it wasn't one of those huge, out-of-control
exploding infernos.
MIKE: Yeah, I heard those can be nasty.
> Cats, rats, moles, and other
> critters run like mad all over, their fur singed.>
TOM: Singed by the new Singer 8100! Makes buttonholes like nothing you've
ever seen before!
MIKE: Hey! Jonathan just used the amulet! He'll be wiped out for the rest of
the fanfic!
ALL: [cheer]
MIKE: ...or, maybe not.
>
> Monterey and Jennifer hug each other and scream as the plane rushes into the
> flames.
MIKE: You know, this scene was originally cut from "The Philadelphia Story."
> "I hope you know what you're doing, Gadget Love!!"
Crow: I'd worry more about the manic Jonathan Brisby IV if I were you.
>
> The Plans blows past the fire unscathed,
TOM: Oh, good. I don't know *how* the rats would move to Thorn Valley if
the Plan got burned in the fire...
MIKE: I think he meant "Plane", not "Plans", Servo.
TOM: Oh.
> only that JB hopped from the
> front of the Plane to the back. "Hot enough for you, Tubby Tabby?"
CROW: Tubby Tabby's Toy Boats. Tubby Tabby's Toy Boats. Tubby Tabby's...
MIKE: Stop.
CROW: That's hard!
>
> Fat Cat runs after him: Stop calling me that!!
MIKE: No euphemisms! I'm FAT!!
>
> Jonathan makes a marble appear between the fingers of his free hand. Then he
> made 1 marble turn into 3, then he threw them, where 3 became 300!
TOM: But by that time they were all these little itty bitty nothing little
bits that nobody noticed when they hit.
CROW: I'm going to make a bold statement here and say that Gonterman has
definitely lost *his* marbles.
>
> Fat Cat screamed bloody murder
All: "BLOODY MURDER!"
> as he is sent slip-sliding through a wood
> fence and into a pig pen.
CROW: Schroeder and Charlie Brown mourned for days.
MIKE: Ha, ha. Get it? A pig pen! 'Cause he's, like, a bad guy!
BOTS: [strained laughter]
>
> Everybody in the Ranger Plane had a big laugh at the cat's expense, and
> banks left.
MIKE: Savings and Loans right! And deficit spending right below us!
>
> All: See you around, Tubby Tabby!
ALL: Catch you later, Bill and Ted!
> Fat Cat: AHHHHHHHGGGGGGHH!!!
CROW: He's not wearing underwear! AAAAAUUUUGGGHHH!
> ________________________________________
>
> Gadget easily found that entrance in, and followed her new boyfriends
TOM: Man, I love that smell of New Boyfriends in the morning, eh?
> lead
> over the swoops and turns through the ever darkening tunnel, she couldn't
> even see the wheel in front of her
CROW: There's a wheel in front of her? Where *are* they?
> as she relied only on her faith in him as
> they cleared the last rise....
>
> ....and got their breath taken away.
>
MIKE: And hopefully died of asphyxiation.
>
> Gadget: Golly and a Half!
TOM: "Golly gol..."!
>
> Montey: Too-La-Loo!
CROW: And now it's a crossover with "The Fifth Element".
TOM: Mike, will you promise to kill me if Chris Tucker shows up?
MIKE: You know I will, Tommy.
> Will you check it out?
>
> Zipper: Outtazight!
TOM: It's only a background cel.
>
> Jonathan and Jennifer: Eh, it's just Home.
>
> What greeted the Rangers was a Earth Woodland version of what reminded
> Gadget of the Ewoks' Village in 'Return of the Jedi.'
CROW: It's annoying and makes people want to slap something small and furry?
> Several trees all
> around them are covered with tree houses and rope bridges until they
> resembled a naturaly-made apartment complex,
TOM: Aw, no, they've wandered into "Sonic the Hedgehog"!
MIKE: Get out! Get out of there!
> a small brook cut through
> the ground turning a rather environment-friendly waterwheel
TOM: Well, friendly except to the fish, the otters, the badgers, the
beavers, and everything else that depends on the smooth flow of water
for its existence.
> generating the
> energy that lights up the trees with light reminiscent of the trees in the
> Disney Parks (JB: "You can't imagine how many trips we made to the
> Disneyland trash bins
TOM: I'd just like to mention that neither Disney park is near Thorn Valley,
which Robert O'Brien modeled after the midwest.
CROW: Or New York, where the prequel was set.
MIKE: I remember now. Wasn't Thorn Valley dammed up and flooded in the
prequel?
TOM: Knowing Gonterman's idea of continuity, it probably was.
> looking for broken bulbs to fix."
CROW: So, the rats can reassemble shattered glass bulbs?
TOM: That's easy. The hard part is getting the vacuum back in.
>
> "Yeah, sometimes we find otherwise perfectly fine strings of lights that
> they just pitch because of one measly bulb. What a waste!"
TOM: Yeah, and I find these partially used chunks of raw meat are great for
insulation against the cold winter!
> Gadget: "Tell me about it, I've been salvaging from Disney all
> the time I've been there, where do you expect I'd get the parts for all my
> stuff? <giggles>")
MIKE: I will pay ten dollars to anyone who can give me one reason for the
existence of that parenthetical... diversion.
> At each side of the brook was access tunnels into what
> could only be an even more complex system of tunnels that the Rats are
> using.
TOM: Or they could be portals into HELL!
>
> JB: That spot looks good to land on. <Points to a spot where a rat is
> motioning them towards.> Land over there, Gadge.
CROW: [Jonathan] Ten points if you land right on them!
>
> Gadget easily landed vertically onto the spot.
TOM: Since when did the Ranger plane become a Harrier?
MIKE: It means she crashed it right into the ground. [beat] I hope.
>
> The rat, who wore a black denim jacket with a baret with an 'R' on it and
> an earring, greeted them. "Welcome to Thorn Valley, Rescue Rangers."
CROW: Are you here for business or pleasure? Will you be staying more than
four weeks? Please fill out these forms for the customs bureau.
>
> Montey: "Hey, Racso!"
TOM: Wait a minute! In Part 1, it was "Rasco"!
MIKE: Ah, but in the *book*, it was Racso!
CROW: Maybe this is an entirely different rat, guys.
>
> Gadget: You know him?
>
> Racso: Yeah!
TOM: He keeps chasing those Duke Boys about.
> He was in my cage with that Nimnul creep.
CROW: Wait... Nimnul locked himself in a cage? Did I mention that this
fanfic is *stupid*?
> (He begins to
> help Rangers and Brisbys out) I'm the guy from outside, get ya anything
> you want;
CROW: Is this a crossover with "The Shawshank Redemption" now?
> chips, cheese, crackers . . . (He helps out Gadget) . . . flowers, candies,
> Mr. Tool Time starter kit . . .
CROW: ...semi-automatics, howitzers, bazookas, heavy artillery...
>
> Gadget giggled at him, as well as JB leapfrogging over Racso to distract him
> from her. "HEY!"
MIKE: "Was that a joke? Uh...what was that?"
>
> ________________________________________
>
> "Golly," Gadget said, looking around as she walked with them,
TOM: [Gadget] Look at that! There's a chapter break up there! Gosh!
> "You've got
> everything here. Electricity, Running water, Even Satellite TV!"
CROW: Ooh, they've got the Practice Punching Someone in the Face Channel.
I love that one.
>
> Racso: We sure do, and nearly everything you see here, we made it
> ourselves. We only need to pick up whatever else we need on occasional
> trips to the refuse.
MIKE: Uh huh... "We made it all ourselves, except the stuff we didn't!"
>
> Gadget: I go there myself. You never know what perfectly good stuff Disney
> throws away.
CROW: No kidding! "Darkwing Duck", "Tailspin", "Bonkers"...
MIKE: [Clears throat]
CROW: Sorry.
>
> Racso gave Gadget a sly look behind his shoulder.
TOM: Gadget compulsively wrapped it up and mailed it to a friend as an early
Christmas present.
> "Tell me about it,"
> but he was stopped when he heard a loud "*POP!*"
CROW: Oh my God! The Lemmings are coming!
>
> One of the Christmas tree lights fizzled out.
MIKE: But not before delivering an eloquent soliloquy.
>
> Racso and Jonathan made like they were taking a sip from an imaginary
> stein, until they saw Gadget actually fix that bulb.
TOM: Okay, there's frugal, and then there's just cheap.
> It was glowing
> again in no time.
>
> The two finished off the stein and threw it away.
CROW: The *imaginary* stein? Did I mention that this fanfic is *stupid*?
TOM: [shuddering] Aggida-aggida-aggida...
MIKE: Oooo-kay... On to the *next* section...
> ________________________________________
>
> As they went further, they heard some heated arguing in the Auditorium.
>
> Jonathan: Heather and Sullivan are at it again. (Rolls eyes)
MIKE: Oh, Heather and Sullivan, you know, they wrote "I am the very model of
a Modern Lieutenant General."
>
> Racso: About that observatory, no doubt.
>
> Montey: You mean that construction site we passed over on the way here?
TOM: No, I'm talking about the construction site we passed on the way here.
>
> Racso: Yeah. Some of us Rats are afraid they'll just bulldoze Thorn Valley
> into dust. Others say that they wouldn't be concerned with a colony more
> than a mile away, even if they know about us, they wouldn't--
MIKE: So, they're bulldozing an entire wilderness national park for no
particular reason. Okay.
TOM: Someone tell me again what an observatory has to do with this?
>
> At this point, a dagger flies out a door.
CROW: Boy, that plomeek soup emotionally charges people.
>
> Jonathan: We gotta break this up. Heather's PMSing again.
>
> Racso: Right! (The two kick the door in)
MIKE: They kick in the door that the dagger flew out from?
CROW: So, the *open* door? Did I mention that this fanfic is *stupid*?
> _______________________________________
>
> Sullivan: "Stop changing the subject, Heather.
MIKE: [Sullivan] This fanfic is confused enough.
> We just don't know who
> we're going against."
MIKE: [Sullivan] And *you're* replacing the hinges!
>
> "Exactly, Sullivan," Jonathan countered. "We don't know a thing about those
> scientists. We have got to find out more about them."
TOM: Chee, they might even be *friendly!*
>
> "And that's what we intend to do, Jonathan," Justin responded. "We are
> not about to just go off half-cocked on this,
ALL: [clear their thoats loudly]
> not when we have more
> pressing matters."
CROW: [Justin] Like the matter of the new weights in the exercise room!
>
> "Yeah, like how the hell did those two come in here?!" Sullivan bellowed to
> the two mice. "They're not from us?"
MIKE: They're The Mice From H.U.N.G.E.R. Jerry sent them.
>
> "Monterey Jack, no," Ages began, "But Gadget Hackwrench is! <Everyone is
> stunned>
TOM: Gadget Hackwrench *is* Jerry in "The Tex Avery Story".
> Her father was Geegaw, one of the mice that survived--yes, the
> rumors are true--
MIKE: She *is* the fifth Beatle!
> the air shaft before Big Jonathan opened that gate."
>
> The silence was so thick,
TOM: Mmmm! Thick, rich, creamy silence!
> Heather *had* to break it after a long minute. "I
> suppose every one of us can't figure out what's worse:
MIKE: Lose an arm, or lose a leg?
CROW: Oh, I'd say arm.
TOM: No, leg'd be worse.
> The fact that our
> lost founders survived,
CROW: That's *bad*?
> or they have kids that are Disney Toons <snicker>.
> Imagine the scandal."
MIKE: For once, I actually agree with a sentiment expressed in this story.
>
> Gadget: Yeah, but know what I know how far Disney has fallen in certain
> circles, having a mouse who belongs in a Don Bluth show wouldn't even
> register.
CROW: So, the NIMH rats know that they're fictional. Did I mention that
this fanfic is *stupid*?
MIKE: Yes, Crow, I believe you did.
>
> That created some chuckles.
TOM: Which promptly bit the dust.
>
> Heather: I like you already, Gadget. So, you brought all your Ranger
> friends with you? <She nods to Montey.>
CROW: Heheheh...if you know what I mean.
MIKE: No. No, I don't know what you mean.
>
> Montey: I'm just with them, Ma'am. No shots, no sparklies,
MIKE: No foul.
> I'm just
> wi-wi-wi-wi-wi-wi-wi. <It's at this point where Monterey Jack realizes
> that Heather is flirting with him.>
TOM: Hey, Gonterman! At least give us the story, bad as it is, instead of
your notes!
MIKE: And it's *so* obvious that she's flirting with him, too, isn't it?
>
> Heather looks around. "Hey, where's your Chipmunk friends?"
CROW: It's a long, sordid story. Just never mention the name "Richard
Gere", okay?
MIKE: Crow, watch it!
>
> Jonathan: Oh Chip and Dale both got promoted to the Rescue Aid Society,
TOM: I'm really glad they made the Rescue Aid Society.
MIKE: Heard that, yeah.
> we all probably heard of them.
>
> Justin nods, knowing that he has several Rats in the organization.
MIKE: Now, there's something to be proud of.
CROW: Those rats in the organization! I tell you!
>
> Heather cracked about finding out that Mickey Mouse himself left Disney as
> well,
TOM: What?
CROW: Does Mr. Gonterman know that a real world exists? He is teasing,
right?
> only to be told to her back that Mickey's in St. Louis with some
> Freelancer even as they speak.
TOM: This is like the narration in "Rocket Attack USA"!
CROW: Or "Creeping Terror"!
MIKE: Or "Beast of Yucca Flats"!
>
> Justin: Nevermind that.
MIKE: It has nothing to do with the plot.
CROW: What plot?
> If Monterey Jack and whatever else is left of the
> Rangers
TOM: Not much.
> wants to move in, so be it. We would definitely need them,
> especially with one of their old sparring partners snooping around.
>
> Gadget: Then you heard of him?
TOM: "Sure I've heard of sheep. That's what they come in..."
>
> Justin: We've spotted him as you did, madam. I'm wondering if any of you
> had something to add...
CROW: Yeah! What's the sum of 34,267.279 and 6,834.94?
> ______________________
>
> Fat Cat was taking his usual cat nap, after explaining to his underlings
> how they can become super-smart by eating one of the Legendary Rats of
> NIMH will give them the intelligence-enhancing serum as well,
TOM: So he'll be brought up to being just Incredibly Stupid.
> when he
> heard voices around him. Words such as "Tubby Tabby," and "Wuzzy House
> Kitten,"
MIKE: That was the Beatles' original lyric for "Paperback Writer".
> can be audible. Curious as usual he cracked an eyeball at who's
> whispering all around him.
TOM: [Fat Cat] Ow, my eyeball!
>
> What he saw was Jonathan Brisby, looking straight down that eyeball
> "*HI!!!*"
CROW: "I need a cup of sugar, can I borrow it? Also some eggs, and some
flour, and a quart of milk, and some cinnamon, oh, and a baking
tray and some Crisco and your oven... I'll let you have a cookie
when I'm done."
>
> Naturally, Fat Cat screamed bloody murder,
ALL: "BLOODY MURDER!"
> but when he opened his eyes
> again after his outburst, there was no one around.
MIKE: "Guys? Where am I? This looks like I-80? Guys? This isn't funny
anymore!"
> Of course, all of the
> mice and rats hid themselves just before he did so.
CROW: You know, his plan to gain superintelligence may not work, but he sure
needs to *try*!
>
> Fat Cat just chuckled, excused it to the Pizza he ate,
TOM: Aw, man, now we're going to have bad memories of the Samurai Pizza
Cats.
> and went back to
> sleep again.
MIKE: Yup, a dangerous, threatening villian who thinks he saw a sworn enemy
and doesn't even bother to check.
>
> The chuckling and whispering resumed shortly afterward. "Crikey, JB. That
> was a good one." "Just wait, it gets better."
TOM: I seriously doubt that!
> _________________
>
> Jennifer led Gadget around Thorn Valley, pausing every now and then for
> the Rescue Ranger turned Mouse of NIMH to pounce on and fix the occasional
> broken doodad.
CROW: You know, this story is still ten times better than "Star Trek: First
Contact."
TOM: Oh, yes, definitely.
> "My Gadget, for someone who just came here,
MIKE: You're remarkably unlikeable.
> you come in handy already."
>
> Gadget blushed: "Force of Habit.
TOM: That's an abnormally loud blush.
> I've been doing this all my life.
> Is this your house?"
MIKE: [Mrs. Brisby] No, that's a broken doodad!
>
> Jennifer: "It sure is. You're invited to stay here if you want.
MIKE: Just... make sure you leave clean dishes for breakfast, okay?
> Little Johnny thinks so much of you."
CROW: He's a Jet.
>
> Gadget stammers, "Yeah, err..."
MIKE: To err is human...
CROW: ...to end this fanfic, divine!
> and looks around the living room which was
> decorated very much like an upper-class mansion,
TOM: As opposed to those prefab mansions the lower classes have.
> with the fancy furniture
> (Fancy for farm mice, that is), Music Box piano, painting above the mantle
> of every Brisby born from the original JB on.
MIKE: Both of them.
> ("Little Jonathan" was above
> Mr. and Ms. "Big Jonathan")
CROW: At least until the Department of Youth and Family Services finds out!
> She also saw another mouse, larger and more
> elegantly dressed then her Jonathan, but the suit is similar, but her eyes
> was glued on his face.
TOM: Bet that hurts.
> It hid behind a mask,
ALL: Of course.
MIKE: I don't know, guys. This is getting kinda weird.
> shaped like one of those
> Mickey Mouse figurines,
TOM: Ugh... er, this is *really* getting weird...
> which was hiding the scars she could find in the
> spaces between eyehole and eyelid, or slightly under the cheeks.
MIKE: Anytime now, *someone's* going to start humming "The Music of the
Night"; I just know it!
TOM: Or, perhaps, "Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again"?
CROW: How about "All I Ask of You"?
>
> The masked mouse speaks
CROW: The maid screams. Suddenly a pirate ship appears on the horizon!
> "You never notice, Gadget love? JB talked to me
> a lot about you. From what I heard, you two are close."
TOM: Too, too close.
MIKE: Actually, they're closed. It's after 6 p.m.
>
> Gadget blushes some more, but her voice never betrayed it. "You must be
> Copper.
CROW: Actually, I'm Yttrium. Call me "Yt" for short.
> JB's mentor and uncle. He talked some about you."
TOM: ...using words that would make Quentin Tarantino blush.
>
> Copper: I'd bet. Jonathan's the only one who'll mention my name above a
> whisper.
TOM: [Copper] Everybody else starts to giggle when they try it.
> Humph, must be this image I get with this, huh?"
MIKE: [Copper] Tell me the truth. Do you think I'm burnished enough?
>
> As he points to his 'face' he gave a chuckle what reminded Gadget of
> JB's; I touch on the enigmatic side,
CROW: He could get into a lot of trouble for that!
> but still friendly. "Now I know
> where he gets it from," Gadget nervously laughs.
TOM: [Gadget] It's all your fault!"
>
> Copper turns to her and smiles. That made her felt more welcome, more at
> ease.
MIKE: [Gadget] Wow! Now you look *extra* creepy!
> "Moving to a new community does seem as strange as we Brisbys can
> get at times, but trust me on this, you'll get used to this. . . . Heck,
> eventually,
TOM: Every bit of your individuality will be washed away by our blandness.
> the shock over being near someone who looks like some Phantom
> of the Opera'll go away..."
CROW: [Copper] Then, we eat you!
MIKE: I *knew* they'd bring up the Phantom of the Opera...
> ______________________
>
> Fat Cat scattered out of Town with the Fear of God in his face, which was
> somewhat obscured by it being all banged up.
TOM: Oh, well, you can get a fresh, new Fear of God at the local Stewart's.
> He was screaming for his
> underlings who have by now ran past the 12th hill to the horizon.
MIKE: 12th Hill To The Horizon... I remember when AMC played that, it was
really good restored.
> No
> doubt scarred crapless by Brutis.
CROW: Animal abuse! It's fun!
>
> Brutis is the largest of the still-living original Rats of NIMH,
MIKE: [Brutus] We are... the rats who say... NIMH!
ALL: NIMH! NIMH! NIMH!
> and is
> the main bodyguard and bouncer of Thorn Valley. He stands 24 big inches
> from his hind legs, and goes a good 36 from nose to tail.
MIKE: He stands a bad 36 from whisker to toe clippings.
> That's big even
> for a housecat like Tubby Tabby.
TOM: So why didn't the rats sic him on Dragon, the cat that ate the
original Jonathan Brisby?
CROW: Because this fanfic is *stupid*! Have I mentioned that this fanfic is
*stupid*?
MIKE: Calm down, Crow.
> Monterey Jack only goes up to Brutis'
> thigh. He bellows out with a bear-like voice of thunder:
TOM: [Brutus] Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night!
> "AND DON'T COME
> BACK, YOU PUTZ!!"
>
> Racso: <laughing loudly> Did you see the look on his face?! That was a
> Kodak Moment! Put 'er there, Bruti!"
MIKE: And a scene of potential action and the main climax of the story is
totally glossed over.
TOM: Polaroid paid richly to have Kodak mentioned in this scene.
>
> The High Five Brutis sent Racso sailing past the nailed-down furnishings
> of the Upside-Down room and into Montey,
MIKE: Who was still racing the General Lee! Hyuk hyuk hyuk...
> who had his face crammed deep
> into the cheddar that he had up to now denied himself so.
MIKE: Huh?
CROW: Did a subplot just burst?
> Gadget would
> have been proud of him.
CROW: For what? Stuffing his face? Giving into his addiction?
> Of course that got the cheese dislodged from its
> spot
MIKE: Inbetween his teeth.
> and it began to roll it's way back to Thorn Valley, with Racso and
> Monterey riding it like a tire!
MIKE: Oh, the wackiness! Ha. Ha ha.
TOM: Shoot me now.
>
> Heather: You were saying about Monterey Jack's Cheese Addiction,
> Jonathan?
CROW: No. Nobody was. Ever.
>
> ____________________________________
>
> Ha! You thought I gave up on the story, huh?
MIKE: We sure did.
>
> More to come :)
CROW: Only if the court order isn't approved.
>
>
TOM: Uh, guys? I think it's over now.
CROW: What? That's *it*?
TOM: You'd rather watch more of this? Come on, let's get out of here before
I melt into my component carbon plastics.
[They leave the theater.]
[Interior, SoL. Mike begins making oompa-music in the background. The bots,
including Gypsy, begin gamboling about like idiots. Chaos.]
TOM: Ladies and gentlemen, we of the Satellite of Love are proud to
present...
CROW: [drum-roll]
GYPSY: ..."The Plotless Wonder"!
[The activity becomes frantic. Gypsy and Tom emerge to engage in a quick
conversation:]
GYPSY: [Mrs. Brisby] So, do you like my house?
[Mike continues the oompa-music.]
TOM: [Copper] I am Copper of the unpronounceable name!
GYPSY: [Mrs. Brisby] So, do you like my house?
TOM: [Copper] Ha! *I* am a Phantom of the Opera-wannabe!
GYPSY: [Mrs. Brisby] So, do you like my house?
[Tom and Gypsy resume running around. Mike stops the oompa-music and begins
humming "The 1812 Overture". Crow stops to catch his breath and deliver
*this* enlightening monologue:]
CROW: Oh, the humanity! From what I hear from the Disney brass, the future
of American animation is not secure! And Michael Eisner has retired!
And the moon is in the fourth house and PayDays are on sale at Wal-
Mart for 39 cents apiece! WHAT IS WRONG WITH US? WE'RE GOING NUTS!
[Crow begins to run amok. Gypsy and Tom scatter.]
CROW: Aaargh! Stop calling me "Tubby Tabby", Jonathan!
TOM: What do I look like, Crow?
GYPSY: Help! Mike, help!
MIKE: [stopping his music] Hey, guys! Guys! Calm down! Look, I found something
out for you!
BOTS: [now gathering about Mike] What? What?
MIKE: While no one was looking, I looked up "cloak" in the dictionary.
TOM: And? And?
MIKE: A cape *is* a cloak, but a cloak is not necessarily a cape.
CROW: So, who's right?
MIKE: You're *both* right. It's just that Crow is more right.
CROW: Yesssss! I'm more right than you, Tom!
TOM: Shut up!
CROW: I *told* you it was a cape!
TOM: But it's also a *cloak!*
[Tom and Crow walk off, bickering.]
MIKE: Don't ask me, I just work here.
[The Mads light turns on.]
MIKE: Oh. Andy and Mrs. Carnegie are calling.
[Deep 13]
DR. F: You might think that you have won this time, poopie-heads, but there
is more Gonterman coming your way in the future!
PEARL: [off screen] No, there isn't, Clayton!
DR. F: But, mother...
PEARL: [off screen] You are not performing one more evil experiment until
you clean up this mess!
[Dr. Forrester goes over to the smoking remains of the sequelizer and
ponders what to do with it. Finally, he puts the hardcopy of "The Rangers
of NIMH II" in what used to be the mouth of the sequelizer and watches as
the smoking pieces of metal scrap turn into a green goo which seeps into
the floor. A smirk on his lips, he presses the button.]
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========= o ========= FWSSSSH!
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Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are
trademarks of and [c] 199X by Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved. Chip
& Dale's Rescue Rangers, The Secret of NIMH, and everything related are
owned by their respective copyright holders. Use of copyrighted and
trademarked material is for entertainment purposes only; no infringement
on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. or
anyone else is intended or should be inferred. This post is for amusement
only and should not be seen as a personal attack on David Gonterman.
> Hold on to your guts, Grandma; this is gonna suck.
visits since 4:39 PM PST 02 Feb 2003