Department of Antiquities

Don't you just hate getting mail that you didn't ask for? Just about anybody who's had an e-mail account on the Internet for a couple years has had the unpleasant experience of receiving dozens of unsolicited e-mail messages ("spam"), ranging from advertisements to porno mailings to ridiculous get-rich-quick pyramid schemes. It's such a shame that the Internet, one of the most powerful and most accessible tools for communication available today, which could be a conduit of great ideas and beautiful thoughts, is, to be frank, more like a sewer line, with enough schlock flowing through it to disgust the most jaded and world- weary of souls.

But where there's a clog in our information pipelines, there are sanitation engineers to get it out - and it's good to know that some of us are fighting back...

"$50,000 in 90 DAYS!" or: "SPAM I Am, My Name is SPAM: How I Love Green Eggs and Ham"

Dutifully MiSTified by Chris Street:

--------------------- begin transmission -------------------------------

> From:

CROW: So, what's Nicole doing at Bec's place?
MIKE: Search me.

> Date: Sun, 02 Nov 97 10:45:35 EST
> To:

MIKE: Nicole sent this to herself?
TOM: Boy, she must be really desperate.

> Subject: $50,000 in 90 days
> Message-Id: <>

TOM: I bet the Message-Ego is even worse.
CROW: Suffering from a lack of self-esteem, perhaps?

> Reply-To:

CROW: She's just popping up everywhere, isn't she?

> Comments: Authenticated sender is

ALL: We get it! This message is from!

> To be removed  from all future mailings

CROW: You must track down and kill the author.
TOM: ...with a silver bullet.

>                                         reply with remove in the subject
> line.

MIKE: Look, Crow, Tom! A feeble attempt to comply with anti-spam laws!
CROW: Or a proper compliance with feeble anti-spam laws - one or the other.

> <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
> <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

TOM: Why do I get the feeling that there should be a huge portrait of Dick
     Clark right about here?

> (...this message is from Jonathon Myers who followed the instructions
> presented here precisely

MIKE: ...and lived to regret it!

>                          for the potential to earn $50,000 within 90 days
> ...please read on...)

CROW: Please! This isn't a scam! Honest!

> The enclosed information is something that I almost passed up!

MIKE: Must've been one of his "almost" smart days.

>                                                                 Fortunately
> I saved the mail message and a few weeks later decided to read the mail
> message again.

CROW: The voices in my head were daring me to.

>                I did some math (I'm good at math) and the RESULTS WERE

MIKE: And the real results were nothing like that!
TOM: I realized that this plan had a 0.00000001% chance of succeeding! That's

> My name is Jonathon,

MIKE: ...and I'm an alcoholic.
BOTS: Hi, Jonathon.

>                      and one evening I was sitting at my computer to read
> my mail (just as you are) and I got a letter telling me that I WOULD BE MAKING
> $50,000 WITHIN 90 DAYS.

CROW: It was from my investment broker, who told me that my oil futures were
      doing very nicely. Oh, and I got a perfectly idiotic get-rich-quick
      plan, too.

>                         Naturally I was extremely skeptical, but I decided
> to read on. (The full printed message was 7 pages long.) After reading the
> entire message, I thought,

TOM: "Boy, I have no life."

>                            it sounds good, but I'd be crazy to think it
> would work, so I put it away

CROW: Mistake number one: Not trashing it right away.
MIKE: Mm-hmm.

>                              and kept on with my evening. A few weeks later,

TOM: At Wayne Manor...

>                                                                              I
> was sitting at dinner with my wife and we were talking (arguing, really) about
> bills (we're not poor,

MIKE: Just virtuous.

>                        but sometimes things get a little tight). That
> evening when I sat down to read my mail, I decided to look over this message
> again. This time I gave it some serious thought,

TOM: And I realized it still wouldn't work.

>                                                  and after doing a bit of
> math, I realizd that I WOULD BE CRAZY NOT TO TRY IT.  I already had
> everything that I would need to make it work.

CROW: An overactive imagination and willingness to believe anything!

>                                                My total cost would be less
> than a night out (movie and dinner), and it was incredibly simple!!!
> I didn't ask for this (well kind of - if you count prayers).

CROW: Please, please, God, just $50,000 in ninety days for a new crystal

>                                                              I didn't send
> out for this,

MIKE: Who would send for this?

>               someone just got my name off a mailing list.  THANK GOODNESS
> FOR THAT!!! What I finally realized on my second reading,  is that here is
> a MONEY MAKING PHENOMENON that I could invest as much as I wanted, to start,
> without putting me further behind on my bills.

CROW: Well, except for however much this scam costs.

>                                                 Also, at the very least, I
> would definitely not lose anything.

CROW: Well, you know, except for however much this scam costs.

>                                      After I determined that THIS IS
> COMPLETELY LEGAL, not some chain letter, I WENT FOR IT!!!
> At first I sent out 20,000 mailings.

CROW: There aren't 20,000 names at the end of this message, are there, Mike?
MIKE: Gosh, I hope not.

>                                       It only cost me $35 for the names.
> The great thing about email is that I didn't need any money for postage or
> printing,

TOM: The Internet makes mail fraud fun!

>           only the cost to fulfill my orders. At this point I would like to
> apologize if

CROW: are a law enforcement officer or a similar authority figure.

>              you're someone who is normally turned off my this type of
> marketing. (Believe it or not, I am - or at least was.)  Please read on.

MIKE: Turn over before proceeding.

> Within a week of sending out my first message, I began receiving orders for
> REPORT #1.

CROW: I never thought that Warren Commission stuff would catch on!

>             Within 2 weeks I had received over 20 orders for REPORT #1. You
> must receive 15 to 20 orders for Report #1 within 2 weeks.  If you don't,

TOM: You are an utter failure and will never amount to anything.

> send out more programs until you do!

CROW: They don't fall for it the first time? Keep bothering 'em until they
      give in to your demands!

>                                      The first step towards reaching my
> goal was met. Within a month I had received almost 150 orders for REPORT #2. If
> you don't get at least 100 orders, send out more programs until you do!
> Once you've reached that goal, you can relax,

MIKE: ...since nothing you can do will extricate you from the tangled web
         that you have weaved!

>                                               YOU WILL MAKE AT LEAST $50,000
> GUARANTEED!!!  In a little bit over 3 months I had made over $54,000 cash
> with more coming in every day!!
> Needless to say, since then my wife and I have had very few "discussions"
> about bills!!

TOM: We have had a few "investigations", though.

>               This thing had completely changed my life.  Please take a
> moment to read the attached program.  IT WILL LITERALLY CHANGE YOUR LIFE
> FOREVER (I promise)!!! This program truly does work. I am living proof -
> flesh and blood sitting at a computer terminal just like you.

CROW: And getting goo all over my keyboard.
TOM: Eew.

>                                                                However, you

MIKE: We don't want you getting money instead of me. Mercy, no.

>                          I repeat, FOLLOW IT EXACTLY.

TOM: Be a witless drone! It's fun!
MIKE and CROW: We hear, master. We obey!

>                                                       Should you decide not
> to participate in this program,

TOM: You had more smarts than I took you for!

>                                 I'm truly sorry. This is truly a PHENOMENAL
> OPPORTUNITY. At the very least I would ask that you save this program to
> read again later. What you do may surprise you!

CROW: Yes, postpone the temptation instead of flat-out refusing it. Let
	the chain mail demons wear you down gradually!

>                                                  For those of you who are are
> crazy enought to know that you would be crazy not to try this,

MIKE: Here's a giant green label that reads "I Am A Sucker" for you to wear.

>                                                                READ ON.
> <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
> <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

MIKE: Please disregard the above note. It is completely spurious and has
      nothing to do with anything.

> "By the time you have read the enclosed information and looked over the
> enclosed program and reports, you should  have concluded that it is legal,
> and could not have been created by an amateur.

TOM: Larceny of this scope requires a professional's hand!

> Let me tell you a little about myself.

MIKE: I'm a Capricorn who loves fishing, garlic bread and honking the horn on
      my huge station wagon!

>                                        I had a profitable business for ten
> years. Then in 1979 my business began falling off.  I was doing the same
> things that were previously successful for me, but it wasn't working.
> Finally, I figured it out.  It wasn't me; it was the economy.

CROW: That was when I started blaming all of my problems on the government.
      Everything was better, from then on.

> Inflation and recession had replaced a stable economy that had been with us
> since 1945.

MIKE: Ah, the glory days of the post-World War Two economy, when the Cold
      War drove us to brash consumerism.

>             I don't have to tell you what happened to the unemployment rate
> because many of you know from first hand experience. there were more
> failures and bankruptcies than ever before. The middle class was vanishing.
> Those who knew what they were doing invested wisely and moved up. Those who
> did not ,

TOM: Joined pyramid-schemes and chain letter operations.

>           including those who never had anything to save or invest, were
> moving down into the ranks of the poor. As the saying goes, "THE RICH GET
> RICHER AND THE POOR GET POORER". The traditional methods of making money
> will never allow you to "move up" or "get rich". Inflation will see to that.

MIKE: Wasn't this guy the speech writer for Gerry Ford?
CROW: Yeah, probably.

>                                                             You have just
> received informataion that can give you financial freedom for the rest of
> your life, with "NO RISK" and "JUST A LITTLE BIT OF EFFORT".

CROW: Placed in quotes, at the suggestion of our lawyers.

>                                                              You can make
> more money in the next few months than you ever imagined.

TOM: Not by doing any of this, of course.

> I should also point out that I will not see a penny of your money,

TOM: I will see an awful lot of my money, though...
CROW: Muahahahaha....

>                                                                    nor
> anyone else who has provided a testimonial for this program. I have already made

MIKE: Yeah, you know, "FOUR MILLION DOLLARS", as opposed to "four million

>                            I have retired from the program after sending
> out over 18,000 programs.

CROW: I'm sick of being "Public Nuisance Number One"!

>                           Now I have several offices which market this and
> several other programs here in the US and overseas. By spring, we wish to
> market the "Internet" by a partnership with America On Line.

CROW: What?
MIKE: That's, er... slightly enigmatic.
TOM: Don't be so conservative... it's completely bonkers!

> Follow the program EXACTLY AS INSTRUCTED. Do not change it in any way, it
> works exceedingly well as it is now. Remember to email a copy of this
> exciting program to everyone that you can think of.

TOM: Who's on your "hate" list?

>                                                     One of the people you
> send this to may send out 50,000 and your name will be on every one of
> them!

CROW: Everybody will know who to blame!

>        Remember though, the more you send out, the more potential customers you
> will reach.  So, my friend, I have given you the ideas, information,
> material, and opportunity to become financially independent.

TOM: You have supplied absolutely nothing. You belong to me, and will do
	my bidding!
MIKE and CROW: Yes, master, oh, how may we serve thee?

>                                                              IT IS UP TO

MIKE: How's this for an answer: "NO"

> Before you delete this program from your mailbox, as I almost did,

TOM: Wait a hold-it. Didn't he say he was the guy who originated the
CROW: Gee, let's not get out of character.

>                                                                    take a
> little time to read it and REALLY THINK ABOUT IT. Get a pencil and figure
> out what could happen when YOU participate.

MIKE: Yeah, don't make me do all of the talking; figure out how it works
TOM: It might help if he told you.

>                                             Figure out the worst possbile
> response

CROW: How's zip?

>          and no matter how you calculate it, you will still make a lot of
> money!

MIKE: ...For me!
ALL: Muahahaha!

>        Definitely get back what you invested. Any doubts you have will
> vanish when your first orders come in. IT WORKS!       
> Paul Johnson, Raleigh, NC

CROW: ...Missing in action.

> <><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
> Listen to the People
> <><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

MIKE: [people] Get out! Get out while you still can!

> If you are a fellow business owner and you are in financial trouble like I
> was, or you want to start your own business, consider this a sign.

TOM: Like: "I need to stop giving out my e-mail address to strangers"?

>                                                                    I DID!
> Sincerely, Christopher Erickson

CROW: Presumed missing searching for Vinland.

> PS: Do you have any idea what 11,700 $5 bills ($58,000) look like piled up
> on a kitchen table?

MIKE: No? I don't either!

>                     IT'S AWESOME!
> __________________________
> "THREW IT AWAY"  - I had received this program before. I threw it away, but
> later wondered if I shouldn't have given it a try. Of course, I had no idea
> who to contact to get a copy,

CROW: Mike, you were asking who would send for a copy of this?
MIKE: Pshaw, these are all made-up testimonials anyway.

>                               so I had to wait until I was emailed another
> copy of the program.

ALL: [chuckle]
MIKE: Man, that's gotta be pestering!
CROW: Just wait around, it'll come 'round again.

>                      Eleven months passed, then it came. I DIDN'T thow this
> one away, I made $41,000 on the first try. -  Dawn W.,  Evansville, IN

MIKE: Dawn "I don't want to give my last name."

> ___________________________
> "NO FREE LUNCH" - My late father always told me, "Remember Alan, there is
> no free lunch in life. You get out of life what you put into it." Through
> trial and error and a somewhat slow frustrating start, I finally figured it out.
> The program works very well, I just had to find the right target group of
> people to email it to.

TOM: So that's what I've been doing wrong!

>                        So far this year, I have made over $63,000 using
> this program. I know my dad would have been very proud of me.

CROW: What, for ignoring his advice?

>                                                                Alan B.,
> Philadelphia. PA
> <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
> <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

MIKE: But what if I don't want "$$$$$$$$$$"?

> Let's say that you decide to start small, just to see how it goes, and
> we'll assume you and all those involved send out 2,000 programs each. Let's also
> assume that the mailing receives a .5% response.

ALL: High.

>                                                  Using a good list,

CROW: Which will cost you about fifty dollars, mail it here...

>                                                                     the
> response could be much better. Also, many people will send out hundreds of
> thousands of programs instead of 2,000.

MIKE: Many people will lose a lot of friends.

>                                         But continuing with this example,
> you send out 2,000 preograms. With a .5% response, that is only 10 orders for
> REPORT # 1. Those 10 people respond by sending out 2,000 programs each,

TOM: Who do you know that routinely mass mails irritating and potentially
	alienating materials to thousands of their friends?
CROW: Who do you know that even knows 2,000 people on the Internet?

>                                                                         for
> a total of 20,000.

MIKE: And these will be all different, mind you!

>                    Out of those .5%, 100 people respond and order REPORT #2.

TOM: You, meanwhile, laugh and wonder what kind of suckers these are!

> Those 100 mail out 2,000 programs each for a total of 200,000.

CROW: The western half of Wyoming will have by now declared war on you.

>                                                                The .5%
> response to that is 1000 orders for REPORT #3. Those 1,000
> send out 2,000 programs each for a 2,000,000 total.

MIKE: Out of, like, twenty-five million people on the Internet, right?
CROW: By now, the United Nations will have called a General Plenary Assembly
	in order to discuss stifling your rising tide of evil.

>                                                     The .5% response to
> that is 10,000 orders for REPORT #4. That's 10,000 five dollar bills for you.
> CASH!!! your total income in this example is $50 + $500 + $50,000 for a
> total of $55,550!!!

CROW: Change those fives to sixes, hack off the last two digits, and you've
	got the number of the beast, Mike.
MIKE: That proves it. This e-mail is of the devil.


TOM: Don't call me that until I've done something for you.

>                  THIS IS ASSUMING 1,990 OUT OF 2,000 PEOPLE YOU MAIL TO

CROW: ...If spam e-mailing was a capital offense!

> ONLY 2,000.

MIKE: Why, soon, you'd have a stack of five dollar bills the size of the
	Andromeda Galaxy!

>             Belive me, many people will l do that and more!

TOM: They really don't have to go beyond the call of duty like that.

>                                                             By the way,

ALL: April Fool's!

> your cost to participate in this is practically nothing. You obviously already
> have an  Internet connection and email is FREE!!! REPORT #3 will show you
> the best methods for bulk emailing and purchasing email lists.

CROW: That's the report entitled, "How To Attract Attention by Being A
	Virulent Pest".

>                                                                THIS IS A
> come in contact with people,

MIKE: Ew! I don't want to deal with other people! Ew! Cooties!

>                              do any hard work, and best of all, you never have
> to leave the house except to get the mail.

TOM: Live the American dream! Lay on your couch, watch your TV, stuff the
	five dollar bills that your manservant hands you into your pocket,
	munch potato chips, and die of a coronary at thirty-two!
MIKE: Narcissism! The great ideal of modern society!

>                                            If you believe that someday you'll
> get that big break that you've been waiting for, THIS IS IT!

CROW: If so, gee, you've got low standards!

>                                                              Simply follow
> the instructions, and your dream will come true. This multi-level email
> order marketing program works perfectly,,, 100% EVERY TIME.

CROW: Invariably, in every case completely in each way with no exceptions 
	fully effective in all instances.

>                                                             Email is the sales
> tool of the future.

TOM: Let me now demonstrate it unconvincingly!

>                     Take advantage of this non-commercialized method of
> advertising NOW!

MIKE: Non-commercialized?
TOM: Huh?

>                  The longer you wait the more people will be doing business
> using email. Get your piece of the action!
> MULTI-LEVEL MARKETING (MLM) had finally gained respectability. It is being
> taught in the Harvard Business School,

CROW: Yes, let me now talk about something completely different!

>                                        and both Stanford Research and The
> Wall Street Journal have stated that between 50% and 65% of all goods and
> services will be sold through Multi-level Methods by the mid- to late
> 1990's This is a Multi-Billion Dollar industry and of the 500,000 millionaires in
> the US, 20% (100,000) made their fortune in the last several years in MLM.

MIKE: Now, if only .5% of these mailed you a five-dollar bill...

> Moreover, statistics show

TOM: That I am not wearing any underwear.

>                           45 people become millionaires every day through
> Multi-Level Marketing.
> <><><><><><><><><><><><><>
> <><><><><><><><><><><><><>

ALL: Egh...
TOM: Haven't we been reading them?
MIKE: No, Tom, these are the instructions, as opposed to the hype.
TOM: Oh.

> We at Erris Mail Order Marketing Business, have a method of raising capital

CROW: Perfectly and completely in any execution without snag, shortcoming,
	side-effect, or regret.

>                                    I am sure that you could use $50,000 to
> $125,000 in the 20 to 90 days.

MIKE: Whether you could make it, well, that's a different story.
TOM: You could use it on me!

>                                Before you say "Bull", please read the
> program carefully.  This is not a chain letter, but a perfectly legal money making
> opportunity. Basically, this is what we do. As with all multi-level
> business, we build our business by recruiting new partners and selling our products.
> Every state in the USA allows you to recruit

CROW: "We Could Use A Few Good Suckers."

>                                              new multi-level business
> partners, and we offer a product for EVERY dollar sent. YOUR ORDERS ARE

TOM: Ooh, I hear the Postal Inspectors a'howling.

>                        so you are not involved in personal selling. You do it
> privately in your own home, store or office.

MIKE: Do it privately, because it is a thing of shame, and you alone must
	be responsible for your actions.

>                                               This is the GREATEST
> Multi-level Mail Order Marketing anywhere.
> STEP 1:

TOM: Admit that there is a problem.

>          Order all four REPORTS listed by NAME AND NUMBER.

MIKE: At the sound of the BEEP.

>                                                            Do this by
> ordering the REPORT from each of the four names listed on the next page.
> For each REPORT, send $5 CASH and a SELF-ADDRESSED, STAMPED envelope (Business
> Size #10) to the person listed for the SPECIFIC REPORT. International
> orders should also include $1 extra for postage.

CROW: Ugh. I suppose that means when I get my 10,000 orders for REPORT 4,
	that I'm going to be busy running my International Orders to the
	Post Office.

>                                                  It is essential that you specify
> the NAME and NUMBER  of the report requested to the person you are ordering
> from.

CROW: Because my cronies participating in this scam are involved in so much
	mail-order fraud, they'll get you the wrong report if you don't
	request it specifically by name.

>       You will need ALL FOUR REPORTS because you will be REPRINTING and
> RESELLING them. DO NOT alter the names or sequence other than what the
> instructions say. IMPORTANT: Always provide same-day service on all orders.

MIKE: And be kind, please rewind.

> STEP 2:  Replace the name and address under REPORT #1 with yours, moving
> the one that was there down to REPORT #2. Drop the name and address under
> REPORT #2 to REPORT #3, moving the one that was there to REPORT #4.

MIKE: Really, though, what's going to stop me from just filling in my address
	or my friends' for all four reports?
TOM: Or simply mail the program on, with my name on it, without paying for
        any of the "reports"? I can produce phoney-baloney reports as well
	as anyone!

>                                                                     The name and
> address that was under  REPORT #4 is dropped from the list, and this party
> is no doubt on the way to the bank.

CROW: Or, the prison.
MIKE: But probably to Disillusionment Central.

>                                     When doing this, make certain you type the

MIKE: Because if you do this, I'M SCREWED!

> STEP 3: Having made the required changes in the NAME list, save it as a
> text file in it's own directory

CROW: SAVE it as a TEXT file in its OWN directory...

>                                 to be used with whatever email program you like.
> Again, REPORT #3  will tell you the best methods of bulk emailing and
> acquiring email lists.

TOM: Mm, this REPORT 3 sounds like juicy reading!

> STEP 4: Email a copy of the entire program (all of this is very important)

ALL: Very.

> to everyone whose address  you can get your hands on.

TOM: Be a greedy pig! And harrass everybody you possibly can!
MIKE and CROW: Yeees, master! We hear and obey!

>                                                       Start with friends and
> relatives,

TOM: Yeah, who needs them!

>            since you can encourage them to take advantage ot this fabulous
> money-making opportunity. That's what I did. And they love me now, more
> than ever.

CROW: I buy their love!

>            Then, email to anyone and everyone!

MIKE: Try all the folks that have taken out court orders against you!

>                                                Use your imagination!

TOM: Sure as heck beats reading this rubbish!

>                                                                      You can get
> email addresses from companies on the Internet who specialize in email
> mailing lists. These are very cheap, 100,000 for around $35.  IMPORTANT:
> You won't get a good response if you use an old list, so always request a
> FRESH, NEW list.

MIKE: All the folks tired of receiving spams like this that have asked to be
	removed will be gone on that list.

>                  You will find out where to purchse these lists when you order the
> four REPORTS.

TOM: Don't bother trying to do any of this yourself; just let us do the
	thinking for you.


CROW: Yes, you, too, can spend your Saturday afternoons responding to
	10,000 orders for REPORT 5 or whatever rigamarole you're peddling
	as a cover for your illegal activities!




MIKE: Also known as, "Those Who Can't - Teach!"

> N.D.

CROW: Neil Diamond, no!

> 4300 So U.S. Hwy. #1, Suite 203-110
> Jupiter, FL 33477

CROW: Also known as, "How Bill Gates really made his fortune!"

> A. Shapiro
> 9737 Fox Glen Dr. #1K
> Niles, IL 60714

MIKE: Whoa, whoa, wait a minute - if everybody in this plan is mass mailing
        this stupid program using the same danged lists, then you're really
	just barraging those poor folks with a scam they've already read!
TOM: Yes, and those 20,000 that have already participated will mail to
	2,000 more each that have already participated... using the same 
	old list... and they'll end up mailing it back to themselves... 
CROW: ...and soon everyone on the list will have copies of the program from 
	everyone else on the list and...
MIKE:'s kind of funny, actually.

> The Polos Group

CROW: Or from their sister group, the "Arros Con".

> P.O. Box 794061
> Dallas, TX 75379

TOM: Also known as, "How to Tell A Cheap Scam When You See One."

> T.J.

MIKE: Thomas Jefferson, no!

> 5590 Spring Valley #C203
> Dallas, TX 75240
> <><><><><><><><><><><><><>
> <><><><><><><><><><><><><>

MIKE: Also known as, "A Breath of Fresh Air".

> I am enjoying my fortune that I made by sending out this program. You too,
> will be making money in 20 to 90 days, if you follow the SIMPLE STEPS
> outlined in this mailing. To be financially independent is to be FREE.

ALL: Not so.

>                                                                        Free
> to make financial decisions as never before,

TOM: Yes, now you will be able to get into even deeper debt than ever

>                                              go into business, get into
> investments, retire or take a vacation. No longer will a lack of money hold
> you back. Very few people reach financial independence, because when
> opportunity knocks, they choose to ignore it.

CROW: Or because they're too busy chasing rainbows or being taken
	advantage of.

>                                               It is much easier to say "NO"
> than "YES", and this is the question that you must answer. Will YOU ignore
> this amazing opportunity or will you take advantage of it?

MIKE: We haven't seen any amazing opportunities yet.

>                                                            If you do
> nothing, you have indeed missed something and nothing will change.

TOM: Your IQ probably goes up a couple points.

>                                                                    Please re-read
> this material,

ALL: No!

>                this is a special opportunity. If you have any questions, please
> feel free to write to the sender of this information. You will get a prompt
> and informative reply.

MIKE: If they're really sending 100,000 copies of this message, I'm sure
	they'll be cheerful.

> My method is simple.

MIKE: Clobber them over the head, take their money, and run!

>                      I sell thousands of people a product for $5 that costs
> me pennies to produce and email.

TOM: Everybody, now: hooray for capitalism!

>                                  I should also point out that this program
> is legal and everyone who participates WILL make money.

CROW: A promise made is a debt unpaid...
TOM:' I take it there are a lot of unpaid debts floating around.

>                                                         This is not a chain
> letter or pyramid scam. At times you have probably received chain letters,
> asking you to send money on faith, but getting NOTHING in return, NO
> PRODUCT what-so-ever! Not only are chain letters illegal, but the risk of someone
> breaking the chain makes them quite unattractive.

CROW: Not that this chain letter has any mechanism to stop that or anything.

> You are offering a legitimate product to your people.

TOM: But you need not buy the product to enter into the scheme... so really
	there's no difference 'twixt this and a chain letter. But let's not

>                                                       After they purchase
> the product from you,

ALL: If they do.

>                       they reproduce more and resell them. It's simple free
> enterprise. As you learned from the enlcosed material, the PRODUCT is a

MIKE: Just convince yourself of this, and then everything's O.K.
CROW: "Sure I shot the police officer, but that was only a legal extension
        of my Constitutional right of freedom of expression!"

>                                                The information contained in
> these REPORTS will not only help you in making your participation in this
> program more rewarding, but will be useful to you in any other business
> decisions you make in the years ahead.

TOM: Yeah, you can always do just the opposite of what they tell you to.

>                                        You are also buying the rights to
> reprint all of the REPORTS, which will be ordered from you by those to whom
> you mail this program. The concise one and two page REPORTS  you will be
> buying can easily be reproduced at a local copy center for a cost of about
> 5 cents a copy. Best wishes with the program and Good Luck!

MIKE: I might as well sell Girl Scout Cookies door to door.

> <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

TOM: One more silly testimonial!

>                           Not being the gambling type, it took me several
> weeks to make up my mind to participate in this program.

CROW: Y'know, Mike, I think I see a pattern. You think in five or six
        weeks, we might inexplicably lose our minds and join in on the evil?
MIKE: We will burn the e-mail once we're done.

>                                                          But conservative
> as I am, I decided that the initial investment was so little that there was no
> way that I could not get enough orders to at least get my money back.

TOM: Except, you know, if you don't get anything at all.

>                                                                       BOY,
> was I ever surprised when I found my medium sized post office box crammed
> with orders! I will make more money this year than any ten years of my life
> before. - Mary Riceland, Lansing, MI
> <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
> <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

CROW: Ooh. Sounds good. But what does this have to do with anything that
        came before?

> Send for your four REPORTS immediately so you will have then when the
> orders start coming in,. When you receive a $5 order, you MUST send out the
> product/service to comply with US Postal and Lottery laws. Title 18
> sections 1302 and 1341 specifically state that: "A PRODUCT OR SERVICE MUST BE

MIKE: Do them a "service" and notify your customer that chain letters are bad 


MIKE: Try ordering my new book, "Bigfoot: How to Find Him, What He Looks
	Like, and How to Make Him Your Friend."
CROW: And afterwards, try to make contact with extraterrestrial life.

> 1.     Name your new company. You can use your own name if you desire.

TOM: Pipe dreams are fun!

> 2.     Get a post office box (preferred).
> 3.     Edit the names and addressed on the program.

CROW: Whoopee. Thrills.

>                                                     You must remember, your
>        name and address go next to REPORT #1 and the others all move down
>        one, with the fourth one being bumped OFF the list.

MIKE: And into a black abyss of nothingness.

> 4.     Obtain as many email addresses as possible to send until you receive
>        the information on mailing list companies in REPORT #3.

TOM: Be like Squirrel Nutkin. Hoard as many e-mails as you can for the winter
MIKE: And it's a cold winter indeed when you join into something so sad as

> 5.     Decide on the number of programs you intend to send out.

CROW: Two.
TOM: Two?
CROW: Two.

>                                                                 The more
>        you send, and the quicker you send them, the more money you will make.

CROW: Oh! All right, then: three.

> 6.     After mailing the programs, get ready to fill orders.

TOM: Brace yourself for it...

> 7.     Copy the four REPORTS so you are able to send them out as soon as
>        you receive an order. IMPORTANT; ALWAYS PROVIDE SAME-DAY SERVICE ON

TOM: Even on Christmas!

> 8.     Make certain the letter and reports are neat and legible.

TOM: Ooh... an unenforcable guarantee! Mike, can I look?

> The check point which GUARANTEES your success is simply this:

MIKE: Do not participate in this abominable scheme.

>                                                               you must
> receive 15 to 20 orders for REPORT #1. This is a must!!!. If you don't,
> within two weeks, email out more programs until you do.

CROW: Pestering innocent, unsuspecting people is fun!

>                                                         Then a couple of
> weeks later you should receive at least 100 orders for REPORT #2. If you
> don't,

MIKE: Use REPORT #5, "Voodoo Magic for Beginners", to make them pay.

>        send out more programs until you do. Once you have received 100 or
> more orders for REPORT #2, (take a deep breath)

ALL: [gasp wheezingly]

>                                                 you can sit back and relax,
> beacuse YOU ARE GOING TO MAKE AT LEAST $50,000.
> Mathematically it is a proven guarantee.

TOM: I'd like a reference.

>                                          Of those who have participated in
> the program and reached the above GUARANTEES,   ALL have reached their
> $50,00 goal.

MIKE: Everybody who reached the guarantee reached the guarantee? OK, I'll
        buy that.

>              Also remember, every time your name is moved down the list you are in
> front of a different REPORT, so you can keep track of your program by
> knowing what people are ordering from you. IT'S THAT EASY, REALLY IT IS!!!
> LIFE....."

TOM: Searching is fun.
CROW: Avoiding criminal prosecution is fun.
MIKE: Success feels so much better when you work for it.
TOM: Success without work is luck.
CROW: Luck without work tends to fizz out.

> If you would like information on how to send your product/service out like
> this,  please reply with the subject: BULK EMAIL INFO.  Thank you.

MIKE: Away, foul demon, away!

[Mike and the 'Bots leave the theater.]

                                     - * -

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