Eclectic Lunchbox of Delights

 Cast of Characters
 ----------------------

 NEHRU, the Calloused Clown. At the beginning of the play he is an
        indifferent, uncaring individual. Not a very funny clown,
        you can imagine.

 BUBBLES, Nehru's friend. As her name suggests, Bubbles is an
          effervescent, bubbly clown. Just the kind of person to
          have around when you're feeling sour, as Nehru usually
          does.

 SHIMMER the Clown, a confidante of Bubbles. Yet another ray of
         sunshine. She isn't too fond of Nehru.

 The JESTER isn't affiliated with anyone; but is generally avoided.


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        [A minimal excuse for a stage. NEHRU THE CLOWN stands alone,
         hands in pockets, and addresses the audience in a gruff,
         unfriendly manner:]

 NEHRU:
         I suppose you're looking forward to a cheery clown act, but that's
         not what I'm about! I'm Nehru, the Calloused Clown, and I'm
         insulted that people want to be cheered up in a world so full of
         misery!

        [Enter BUBBLES. She comes shooting out from one direction straight
         toward NEHRU. She stops a few feet away and bursts, gestulating
         wildly:]

 BUBBLES:
          But if you don't cheer people up, Nehru, how do you expect to
          ever get rid of the misery?

 NEHRU: [turning to Bubbles]
          I think that most people deserve to be miserable!

 BUBBLES:
          Oh, we're grumpy, aren't we?

         [She tries to gives NEHRU a hug, much to his dismay. He shakes
          her off.]

 NEHRU:
          Stop! Get off of me!

 BUBBLES:
          You are a grouch!

 NEHRU:
          Yeah, so? What do you have to be so cheery about?

 BUBBLES:
          Well, I got up early and watched the sunrise...

 NEHRU:
          Yeah, and there's a hole in the ozone layer. Oh, it's only a
          matter of time before the sun fries us all to bits with UV
          radiation.

 BUBBLES:
          ...and the sky was so blue this morning!

 NEHRU:
          Two words: acid rain.

 BUBBLES:
          And, I had a great big breakfast on my patio!

 NEHRU:
          World hunger.

 BUBBLES:
          And then I went inside and read a book!

 NEHRU:
          Poverty. Anything else?

 BUBBLES:
          All right, if you're so concerned about the evils in the world,
          why don't you do something about them?

 NEHRU:
          I do: I grumble.

         [SHIMMER shoots on stage.]

 SHIMMER:
          Hey, Bubbles!

         [SHIMMER and BUBBLES hug in greeting]

 NEHRU:
          Ugh! You clowns and your hugging! Why do you do that?

 BUBBLES:
          Oh, Nehru, there are the problems in the world that you just
          mentioned, and there are also a lot of people who just need to
          be hugged!

 SHIMMER:
          Nothing wrong with a show of affection! If you can make somebody
          happy by something so simple, why not?

 NEHRU:
          I'll be quick, and I'll be blunt: you're disgusting.

 SHIMMER: [to Bubbles]
          He's so cheery today, isn't he?

 BUBBLES:
          Saccharine sweet. I don't know how I can stand it.

 SHIMMER: [to Nehru]
          Look, Nehru, people need to be touched...

          [Shimmer shoves Nehru hard. He stumbles.]

 NEHRU:
          Why'd you do that? That wasn't very nice.

 SHIMMER:
          Exactly... and it was just what you needed.

 BUBBLES:
          Oh, lighten up, you two. But you're right, Shimmer. People do
          need to be touched... but nicely. There's a world of difference
          between a slap in the face and a hug from the heart.

 NEHRU: [brushing himself off]
          A pleasant sentiment. But hardly applicable in today's world, don't
          you think?

 SHIMMER:
          A cynic as well as a grouch, huh? Well, Nehru, let's go for a little
          walk outside...

         [NEHRU, SHIMMER, and BUBBLES walk off together. They soon come to a
          rather depressed area downtown...]

 NEHRU:
          Where are you taking me? This isn't a very nice neighborhood.

 BUBBLES:
          Well, it serves as home for some people who aren't well loved.

 SHIMMER:
          People that not only need a hug, but a roof over their heads and
          a warm cup of soup.

 NEHRU:
          Gee, and you guys were faulting me for being gloomy?

 BUBBLES:
          Look over there, Nehru... it's Mrs. McAllister... she could use
          a little cheering up. Her husband lost his job at the cannery and
          they're having a hard time making ends meet...

 SHIMMER:
          Yeah, and the hospital bills for little Gary's surgery are mounting
          up.

 NEHRU:
          Ugh. That's sad.

 BUBBLES:
          She looks forward to a visit from the food banks, or the Red Cross,
          or Goodwill, or...

 NEHRU:
          Funny clowns?

 SHIMMER:
          Got it in one, Einstein.

 NEHRU:
          Well, what are you waiting for?

 BUBBLES:
          We were kind of hoping that you'd volunteer.

 NEHRU:
          Me?! Do I look like a clown?

 SHIMMER:
          Actually, you do.

 NEHRU:
          But why don't you go do it? You're the humanitarians out to save
          society, aren't you?

 SHIMMER:
          We thought that if you'd actually help make the world a better
          place, instead of always grumbling about it, that you'd feel
          better about life, and maybe be more tolerable to live with.

 NEHRU:
          Well, I'll do it, if you stop nagging me.

          [NEHRU walks aside and addresses the unseen Mrs. McAllister.]

 NEHRU: [to Mrs. McAllister, as if she were at a second-floor window.]
          Ahem, Mrs. McAllister? You there? Hello, Mrs. McAllister! I'm
          Nehru, the Calloused Clown. What's that? I said "calloused", ma'am.
          You know, insensitive to the needs of others? Heh, heh. That's
          me. Could you please come down so I can perform an act for you?
          A broken leg? So what, you expect me to caper for you down here?
          I'd have to shout to be heard! You can hear me just fine? What's
          that? I'd say not! I don't care, Mrs. McAllister! Come down or
          it's no go! I'm not being unreasonable! You're a tack in my floppy
          shoes, that's what you are! Oh? Well, the same to you!

          [NEHRU turns back to BUBBLES and SHIMMER.]

          You heard her. She didn't want to come downstairs.

 BUBBLES:
          Nehru, when was the last time you laughed?

 NEHRU:
          Me? Laugh? Ummm, let me think...

          [The JESTER dances on stage.]

 JESTER:  [taunting Nehru]
          Nehru the Calloused Clown, the clown who never laughed!

 SHIMMER:
          Who are you?

 JESTER:
          I'm the jester! Straight from the courts of King Cynic, the cold-
          hearted ruler of the wastelands in the east!

 BUBBLES:
          Uh huh. What do you do?

 JESTER:
          I jest! I plague the pompous, I bother the bores, I torment the
          timorous!

 NEHRU:
          And you're getting on my nerves.

 JESTER:
          Aha! Nehru the Calloused Clown, the cynical, condescending clown
          who frightens all the children and intimidates the adults! The
          clown who's never evoked a smile or a tear!

 NEHRU:
          Now, now. I've made a whole group of three-year-olds break out in
          tears...

 JESTER:
          What a joy-monger you are! Bringing hope to the weary, strength
          to the timid, happiness to the sad!

 NEHRU:
          Them be fightin' words, partner!

 JESTER:
          What is this? A challenge? Coming from a clown who won't do
          anything to make this world a brighter place?

 NEHRU:
          For you, my harlequin friend, this will be a much darker world!

         [NEHRU takes a boxing stance.]

 BUBBLES:
          Oh, my!

 SHIMMER:
          This is so unfortunate!

 JESTER:
          A challenge to fisticuffs, my man? A most unworthy opponent, I
          might add. I would throw the gauntlet for you, but I'd rather hit
          you with it!

 NEHRU:
          So you accept my challenge?

 JESTER:
          I could not refuse. You will wish you had never been born, puny
          quasi-clown!

         [NEHRU takes the JESTER seriously and throws some mock punches.
          The JESTER, however, simply jogs in circles around NEHRU and
          cackles. After a little while of this:]

 NEHRU:
          What are you doing?

 JESTER:
          Just jivin' ya, man! Come on, lighten up, Nehru, Mr. Frown-Face!

 BUBBLES:
          I don't know about this Jester, Shimmer.

 SHIMMER:
          I don't know either.

 JESTER: [over to Bubbles and Shimmer]
          What's this? A querying twosome? Let me explain. I have come to
          clue our friend Mr. Nehru in on the folly of his ways.

 BUBBLES and SHIMMER:
          Oh.....

        [The JESTER jogs back towards NEHRU.]

 JESTER: [laughing]
          You're just too much for me, my friend. You still want to fight
          me?

 NEHRU:
          I AM ALONE!

        [The JESTER stops laughing, and he signals BUBBLES and SHIMMER to
         keep quiet.]

          I am alone! I am the only person here who can keep a straight face
          for two minutes! You all are so... so... cheery! It makes me sick!
          I still say, you are fools for being happy in a world so
          miserable!

 SHIMMER:
          But, Nehru, when you are trying to make things better, you have to
          be optimistic for the future!

 NEHRU:
          I am the only serious person here! Are you three mad? Can you not
          see war... hunger... pain?

          [becoming very condescending]

          Come now, let's be reasonable adults, and put childish laughter
          and silliness behind us. There is so much wrong... the situation
          is so grim. There is no way out of the slimy pit we are entrenched
          in! If we struggle to get out, we are doomed to slip further in!

 BUBBLES:
          But, Nehru...

 NEHRU:
          We are the embodiment of Sisyphus! We dare to lift our hopes to
          the stars... we dare to keep our dreams soaring high over the Slough
          of Despond when our souls are so deeply held by the mire!

 JESTER:
          Ugh; he's depressing me now. Somebody do something!

 NEHRU:
          We see in our vision of the future all that we will... we see
          our eventual triumph. Hah! I am ready for the worst! When all
          of you are broken and spent, when your highest hopes and
          darling dreams are unfulfilled, I will be as I always am... for
          I have no dreams!

 BUBBLES:
          Why then do you live, Nehru?

 NEHRU: [taken aback]
          I... I don't know.

        [The JESTER, BUBBLES and SHIMMER are standing on opposing sides of
         NEHRU. They sidle closer and closer to him. NEHRU is holding his
         head bowed in his hand, as if he wants to hide his expression. They
         continue their stealthy sidling, and when they are almost upon
         him, they pounce. They take NEHRU in a long hug.]

 NEHRU:
         You guys are too much. I... I don't know, Bubbles. I'm a sad, sad
         clown.

 BUBBLES:
         You don't have to be a sad, sad clown.

 SHIMMER:
         Hey, you could be a glad, glad clown!

 JESTER:
         You're the only one making yourself that way, you know!

 BUBBLES:
         There's so much to love in life, Nehru....

 SHIMMER:
         Yeah, Mr. Slough of Despond! Maybe if you didn't have muck in your
         eyes, you'd see that.

 JESTER:
         I don't know about you, Nehru, but I've always loved to read a
         work of Kipling by a warm fire with a mug of cocoa...

 NEHRU:
         Is it alright if I watch a movie instead?

 JESTER:
         Sure.

 SHIMMER:
         Dandelions always make me happy...

 NEHRU:
         Can I, um, stay away from flowers? I'm kind of allergic to them.

 SHIMMER:
         I suppose...

 BUBBLES:
         But you know what, guys?

 JESTER, NEHRU, and SHIMMER:
         What?         

 BUBBLES:
         Nobody's allergic to a little laughter. Want to see if Mrs.
         McAllister's still up and about?

 NEHRU: [smiling]
         I don't see why not... hey, wouldn't it be sweet to cheer her up?

 SHIMMER:
         Gold-tinted and rosy... at least, compared to the kind of stuff
         you were engaged in...

        [NEHRU, SHIMMER, and BUBBLES head off. The JESTER follows behind.]

 JESTER:
         Huzzah, huzzah! Nehru has turned over a new leaf and shown the world
         a happier him today! Huzzah, huzzah!

 BUBBLES: [to Nehru, as they walk off the stage]
         He's tagging along?

 NEHRU:
         I guess so...

          [The end.]