How Not to Go Crazy

In today's fast-paced modern society, it's all too easy to lose one's marbles, trip off the line, and in other words, go totally cuckoo.

So I will take a little bit of time from my valuable schedule to outline to you how you can avoid this horrible circumstance, and how you can retain your sanity even through the most stressful situations in your life.

It's first suggested that you shield your brain from insanity-inducing cosmic rays whenever you go outside. The cause of these cosmic rays is as of yet unknown, but there is no doubt that they are all around us, at all times, even if we hide in the dark closet, and even if we dump dirty laundry over our heads.

For the best protection, it is suggested that you wrap your head in tin-foil, or wear a tight-fitting titanium cap on your head at all times. Don't worry if the titanium cap is too heavy for you; it will just squish your brains down into your stomach, where they will be safer.

Some suggest that you even wear the cap at night while you sleep, since the Grays could be watching you at any time. (Please perch on one foot on the fence, Ms. Dunlap, and scream "Cock-a-doodle-doo!" Thank you.) But I see no necessity in this as of yet. The possibility that my thinking on this matter may be influenced by agents of the Grays has not been disposed of, however, so make your choices with caution.

The second thing I suggest to you, if you want to not go crazy, is that you should attain infinite wisdom and prescience. It helps a whole lot to know everything that all of your friends are plotting against you ahead of time. If your head contains all of the wisdom and knowledge of the world, then there will not be any room in it for craziness. If you can predict everything ahead of time, and no one else will believe you, it will be because they are crazy, and not you.

The third thing that must be done if you are not to go crazy is to keep your body in top physical condition. To do this, I suggest a strenuous and regular routine of stuffing garbage down your pants and painting your nipples with peanut butter. But it's good enough to leap up and down the street, screaming with your hands clamped over your ears.

The fourth thing that you must do to avoid being crazy is to engage in deep, rich and satisfying relationships with other human beings. This does not require physical contact - heavens no, think of the germs! - but may simply mean carrying on conversation with an interesting person (besides yourself.) If you feel awkward walking up to someone and talking to them, then try this at a party or another social event, instead of in the restroom or while coming out of a dumpster.

"Hey diddle-diddle, hey diddle-diddle, hey diddle-diddle," sung in a minor harmonic key, is an excellent icebreaker. Be sure that you are fully dressed when you do this.

If they do not understand you, or if they refuse to engage in deep conversation with you, they are going crazy themselves. This is so sad and unfortunate to watch! Nibble at your fingernails and pirouette three times counterclockwise around them to lift the curse away from them. (It must be counterclockwise. If it's clockwise, then they will proceed to bloat up like a balloon and explode.)

This leads into the fifth thing. You must understand the workings of the universe to avoid being crazy. The cause-and-effect notion is not fully understood by most people, and sometimes behaves in unexpected ways. Having the infinite wisdom helps here, but sometimes in your granditude, you might overlook some of the trivial nuances in life. For example, carrying an open umbrella indoors will lead to bad luck. If you place rose petals beneath your pillow, when you sleep you will dream of your future partner. If you break a mirror, clowns will come to your home, abduct you and take you to Lebanon where they will stuff your pancreas with salt and force you to watch bad Margaret Thatcher impressions. I speak from unfortunate experience here.

Should someone else think that you are crazy, ignore them. You've followed these rules, even if you've broken them, and it's so terrible that they've lost it to the point where sanity looks like craziness. Everybody knows that it's the other way around - craziness looks like sanity. They must have a broken mirror to be so crazy, and the clowns and the salt and the pancreas will soon take care of them. Pray for their souls.

The sixth thing is to respect those who have gone before you, and to learn from their experience. I do not mean other people who were before you of course. I mean your past lives experiences, the Grays who have been here before you, the ancient astronauts and Atlanteans, and the dinosaurs and the unicorns. They were all much wiser than you are (even if you have attained infinite wisdom, as suggested.) They saw you coming even 100 billion billion billion billion years ago. Hooray, Bombay!

Remember what the fourth Great Doughnut of Tibet - he who had no mother - said before people whistled at him and made him turn inside-out. "Clam-shells are gold. Golden! What's the shiznit, hmmm? Color me ping-pong balls!" These are impenetrable words except to the few chosen ones. But to those chosen - who will never taste the bitter poison of insanity - they are like guiding lights from heaven.

If only the Great Doughnut's wise words could penetrate these tin-foil or titanium helmets we enlightened ones wear. If only.

The seventh rule of not going crazy is a lot of fun. It's simply to not go crazy by the powers of concentration. You understand, if you concentrate very heavily on your brain, and your thought processes, and hold all of your thoughts jealously to yourself, carefully studying the correctness, sanity and integrity of each one, and if you dedicate a huge amount of attention to every tiny meticulous detail in your life, then there's no danger of going crazy. None at all! It would never ever happen! (Although do not attempt any heavy thinking if you follow this rule.)

By the way, seven is a lucky number. You've never heard of calamities or misfortunes occuring to anyone with seven heads, now, have you? Or seven eyes? Or seven arms? Or with a torso shaped like the numeral '7'? Well, that proves the point.

But I digress. The search for the aliens with the head is fruitless. If you look in your heart, you know where the aliens truly are. Analyzing large amounts of radio-collected data! What fools! Here is the true way to discover extraterrestrial life:

Go out on a moonless night, to some location where there are many stars to see. Do not think about the aliens at all. Merely admire the beauty of the galaxy. And if you should ever find yourself admiring one star in particular, or if your attention seems to be drawn to it for an extended period of time, then it is there that the aliens live. They may even be calling for you.

Now, walk away and be satisfied that you are the privileged keeper of knowledge understood by no one else, and that you will never go crazy. Isn't that an amazing thing?

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