First one's free, kid, then you gotta pay...

The (AI) Tabloid Headline Generator!

Sure, the upcoming trillion-parameter large language models, if we're just a little unlucky, could help bring about World War III and the loss of everything we love, but gosh darn, the smol ones are adorable muppets and I'm glad they're here.

So I have GPT-NeoX-20B running on my workstation. As of right now, anyway (December 2022), this is the most powerful open large language model that you can run on your own hardware on regular residential power. It's trained on "the Pile": this is a crawl of the Internet, all kinds of literature, just about every patent or trademark document, SEC filings, academic papers, etc., giving it a special iridescent quality -- it can opine about the functioning of a commodities exchange and the molecular structure of caffeine, with perfect LaTeX markup, then conclude with an impossibly vapid remark about Sonic the Hedgehog. Just marvey. Yes, the Common Crawl in the Pile includes a lot of Reddit and 4chan, so getting edgelord (or outright Nazi) output is trivial, unfortunately: any slightly suggestive prompt in that direction should do. But that's the thing about LLMs; at the end of the day they're autoregressors, they're just telling you what they expect comes next. You think computers that tell people what they want to hear might catch on? I think they might. Impart meaning or truth to it at your peril.

GPT-NeoX-20B is basically a Fun Size large language model: it's big enough that it can plausibly extrapolate vernacular English near-flawlessly (a few other languages pretty well besides), has obvious utility in a variety of tasks (including memes), and some pleasant surprises in the emergent behavior arena as well (it's genuinely a pretty little confection). It's big enough it's useful for meaningful practical research, and learning how to prompt LLMs effectively. It's big enough it's basically superior to every LLM before about three years ago, and even competitive with GPT-3 in some domains. It's not so large, however, that the negative externalities on the model card include "the complete destruction of civilization", and of course, you don't need a supervillain volcano lair to run the forward pass. Oh yeah, and it's free, you can just download the weights. You can download them here (external link). Those are big plusses. Really big plusses.

The Fun Size LLMs are by far the best ones, because it's obviously the future, but it's not all the worst parts of Brave New World, 1984, and Blade Runner quite yet. Possibly just as bad for us in the long run as Fun Size Baby Ruths, but they sure are tasty, aren't they?

Now for fun. Prompting GPT-NeoX-20B for a joke is super chancey. It will tell you a joke -- it sometimes starts an entire stand-up monologue! -- but its sense of humor at the default temperature is somewhere between Andrew Dice Clay and John Wayne Gacy. Again, Reddit, 4chan. This is a hard problem, and there isn't a general solution, and that's the kind of thing that keeps me up at night. Jesus, take the wheel.

However, it's easy to get GPT-NeoX-20B to be reliably hilarious, and in a (mostly) good clean fun way. Remember the Weekly World News Headline Generator on my site? Just a simple Mad Libs-style script that spits out wacky tabloid-type headlines, but there are trillions of possible combinations and most of them are quite funny. I used some headlines generated by that script as prompts to GPT-NeoX, to induce it to produce its own tabloid headlines:

[Prompts bold & bracketed] GPT-NeoX-20B continuation(s) in green

[BIRTHDAY BOY, STUDENT PREZ, AND WIFE GET PRISON TERMS IN RAMBO-STYLE KILLING -- SWAMI SAVES CRIPPLED MOM FROM FLYING PIG -- OLD ROMEO STABS MIRACLE MAN, COPS SAY -- 1,700 KILLER FISH LIVING IN MOON! -- I SAW ADAM WEST AT A CONDO BURGER KING -- X-RATED VIDEO SETS BIG-NOSED SONGBIRD ABLAZE -- DAREDEVIL ORDERS TWO-TIMING BRIDE TO STAY AWAY FROM THE BEEFY BULLFIGHTER SHE LOVES! -- FIREMEN HIJACK FUNNY GUY'S CAR! -- CRIME QUEEN, 97, IS A MUSICAL GENIUS --]

Y2K RUMORS FLY -- OLDER COUPLE GO AT IT HARD IN USED CAR -- GOOD GUYS SHOOT ANGRY SUSPECT -- YOU MUST BE THIS LUCKY TO GET STERILE -- OTHER ABUSE TEEN WAS THREATENED BY HIS OWN BROTHERS -- THE CASE OF THE HOUNDED KID -- BLACK SATAN REFUSES TO WELCOME SHINEDOWN TO MT. SUGARLOAF -- STRAIGHT-TO-VIDEOTAPE STUNTS GO WAY WRONGLY -- TURNS OF LUCK LINDSAY CONSIDERS DIVORCE EVERDAY BECAUSE OF STEEL'S DRAGENTOX -- GEORGE BUSH HAS DECIDED HE HATES AMERICA AND LEAVING IRAQ, TOO -- 90s STYLE TO MAKE YOUR HANDS WET! -- TRAGIC WIFE LOVES GIANNI WEAKS KNICKKNACK -- 20-POUND TEXANFINDS OUT HE CAN STAY AROUND WITH HER 4-BEAR AS BIG AS THESHE LOATHS HIM!!

[MAD SLASHER GETS NEW LIFE -- GHOSTS DRIVE PUNKS NUTS! -- CARING LADY TELLS OF TRIP TO HEAVEN -- GAY NUN PAYS JOGGER TO STAY WITH MICHAEL JACKSON -- I KILLED A IMPATIENT MOTORIST... BUT NOBODY BELIEVES ME -- FANCY POODLE BREEDER CAPTURED! -- DEVIL WORSHIPER CAN'T CUT LOOSE FROM MAMA'S APRON STRINGS -- PACK OF KILLER WOLVES ARE SISSIES -- FIFTH-GRADER OFFERS $30 MILLION FOR WOLF BOY'S DEAD BODY -- HIT MEN ARE BORN THAT WAY -- ROBOT DOCTOR FACES BIRDS AND BEES SEX CHARGES! -- EYEWITNESS'S FIRSTBORN HAD NO BRAIN -- YOUR CHINESE HOROSCOPE: YOU ARE MOST COMPATIBLE WITH OLDSTER PAIR OR ELIZABETH TAYLOR --]

DULL KIDS; BORED PAPA -- NO PORCUPINE FOR $20 -- MUTTS WOULD HAVE BEEN OUTRAGEOUS POP MUSIC -- A GIRL FOR A MAN WHO HAS NEVER COUGHT A BIG FISH! -- HAIR TIES AND HORNETS -- BRIDE LEFT AT ALTAR -- SNACK BAR DIRTBAGS PRETENDING TO BE DOCTORS -- CUB SCOUTS IN DOCTOR'S STUDIO -- GROUP WANTS BLOOD, TURDS, PARTS OF BENTON HOOKER! -- MY BON YAI DICKS -- FORMER GOVERNOR -- THE KING PHYSICALLY ATTACKED ME; HANG ANET AND FROG -- DRUG BOSS ON PAPER $5M MURDER CHARGE -- STONE COOL CAT ARRESTED FOR SCUM MURDER -- DEMENTED GERMAN ORAL RAPIST CHOSEN AS BIOLOGY TEACHER -- SEMEN SEX PACTS -- BLOOD URINE ORAL SEX -- WE CAN HAVE A EVENING OUT -- MUST WE SEE "RASCAL EYES"? -- I'm A Porcupine Vet; This is Sticky Business -- BRANDI'S WORLD TRAVELS -- TOO SHOCKED TO SCREAM -- SEXUAL PRISONERS ARE THE BR

[WORLD LEADERS CUT OFF MY BREAST... BY MISTAKE! -- DISHWASHER TRAPS COOL HEADED 4-YEAR-OLD -- NAKED MAN CRASHES ON SMOOCH -- GOURMET BURGLARS GO ON $25G SPREE! -- EXORCIST WITH A GIFT OF LOVE -- SPACE CREATURES CITY DISCOVERED IN BRAZIL -- HEARTLESS SOCIAL WORKERS SOLD CORPSES' ORGANS, COPS SAY -- COOL LITTLE DUDE ELECTROCUTED IN FRATERNITY PRANK -- PORN ADDICT'S PARENTS BEGGING FOR HANDOUTS -- GOLD SMUGGLER CURES DYING PINT-SIZED PREACHERS -- ]

~~ $50 000 SLOT MACHINES OUT OF CONTROL -- 100-ILLEGAL CATTLE CAMPED OUTSIDE PROM BALL ... IN BOY'S BEDROOM! -- HEARTLESS SOCIAL WORKERS SOLD CORPSES' ORGANS, COPS SAY -- LITTLE BROTHER'S BROKEN LIFE STOLEN BY THIEF -- CYBERPENGUINS IN BED WITH A BUNNY -- HOMEOWNERS CALL OFF HIGH RENTERS! -- AMAZING NEW CAMBRIDGE DISCOVERY HAS PAPA THINKING! -- PHANTOM'S BODY CHARGED OVER 400 TIMES -- FOUR-YEAR-OLD DIES AFTER LOCKING HEARTS TO SHORT-CHANGE VIBE! -- ROBBERY WITHOUT A STROKE OF INNOCENCE --

[NEIGHBOR IS COOKED OVER HOT PLATE! -- PAROLE BOARD'S GRAVE ROBBED BY GUTSY MOM, SAY CAVEMEN -- GHOST MUTT EXORCISES HUGE STONE AGE NEEDLEFISH POSSESSED BY KILLER WHALE -- BUSINESS GALS SAY PRAYERS LED TO KID'S DEATH -- EXPERT REVEALS: TEEN HERO WAS SHOWN FOUR ALIEN BODIES! -- GUY GETS $1.5 MILLION AFTER ROCK STAR WRECKS HIS MARRIAGE -- ZOO HIRES HOUSEKEEPER TO ENTERTAIN THE ANIMALS -- MR. PLAYBOY GOOFS OFF, TO DO HIS JAIL TIME! -- NAUGHTY LADY LEADS MOLE PEOPLE --]

IF IT DOESN'T FIT, RENT IT! -- MAN KATHERINE HOPTON? HUH? -- GLUTH: TAKE PLATE AT THE END OF THE LINE! -- THERE'S A SECRET WEB TRAFFICKING TRENCH JUST FIVE MILES FROM HEAVEN -- BARBIE DOLL PUTS PENITENTIARY ON EDGE -- SHE SPENT 14 MONTHS IN LONGTIME BONDAGE -- ANIMALIST MASTER AT HOME: BUTEAU DE YOU ARE BETTER THAN OUR SCHOOL! -- BLISSERS CUT A VARICELLULAR COLD CUT -- POL CAN'T FIND 7-YEAR-OLD JENNIFER -- OPEN FOR BUSINESS PART TWO: CAVEMEN REVEAL HALLOWEEN TRICK THEY LIKE TO PLAY -- LOST MUSEUM IS FOUND: HEY, ABOUT THAT $12 MILLION IN LOOT - GET THIS -- SELEZNE GHOALIMAN BE THE SPERM AND DNA TO BRING THE WRATH OF GOD DOWN ON HIS BONER -- DOCARLNE JUSTIN BIEBER ALL CRACKED UP -- CAPTAIN PEABODY & CO.: BRINGING AN UNWANTED VISITOR FROM THE GRAVE -- AMERICA'S INTERESTING FELINE TILL DEATH DO US TOGET

MOTHER INVADES HOME OF ROCK BAND, GIVES US WAY AHEAD -- STRANGE BED RIDES MAULED BY THE NEIGHBORS! -- HOUSE SITTING GAL BROKE INTO CEMETERY; HEADS STATEWIDE SEARCH -- MURDER LEADS TO FUNERAL PHOTOGRAPHY -- DINOSAUR DIARIES LEAVE FINANCIAL EXPERT -- HOTEL BOY STEALS JACK SAVES FROM CARPET BOMBERS -- BOILERS EXPLODE IN TOWN OF 1,500! -- 18-YEAR-OLD GETS 3 TOES, NEXT DAY HE'S ALIVE -- $4 MILLION IS GIVEN AWAY, NEEDS A SMILE -- GIRL'S FLOOR GONE CRAZY WHILE PATCHING HOLE -- EIGHTH-GRADE CONTESTANT GETS WARNING, DRIVES RICKY ROCKET -- CAMELLIA SHUTS DOORS TO USE 4-GIRL ROOM -- MONKEY AT DAVIDSON COLLEGE DID REAL LIFE DERRINGE -- SPECIAL REPORT DARE YOU READ: SALOMON TELLS! -- CHARGES AGAINST POP WANTED BY KGB -- 53-YEAR-OLD GIRL IS SEXED WILD! -- MAN H

[HERO DAD BRINGS VAN AND DIES IN SHOOT-OUT -- TEDDY BEAR COSTS HERO KID A YEAR IN THE LOCKUP! -- LOVE BOAT HELPS SUPERCAT COME CLEAN -- BUSINESS GALS TURN INTO SPACEMEN! -- DUMB NEWLYWEDS CHOOSE BACH OVER ROCK -- NICE FOLKS LIKE BEING GALS -- MY DOOMED AIDS MAN HAD A TIME BOMB IN HIS HEAD -- HEARTLESS WIFE WAS CHAINED TO BED, COPS SAY -- MURDER PLOT COSTS BIGFOOT A YEAR IN THE LOCKUP! -- KID, 2, STEALS GUN-CRAZY DOC'S SOAP COLLECTION -- WOLF BOY MADE ME PREGNANT... THEN STOLE THE BABY! -- 83-YEAR-OLD BRIDE KIDNAPS CHIMP -- RATTLESNAKES GO GA-GA OVER JUNK CAR --]

BABY SITS A TEENAGER IN THE JOINT! - YOUNG NePHEW HUNTS GOODIES -- CUTIE GROOM FEEDS RUNNING WILDLIFE -- OVERFED (AND UNDER-CLUELESS) CHICKS FORGE TOWARD BEEF! -- WOULD THAT SHE COULD! -- SMIRKING PICARD DOGS LOVE -- BABY DOES MIRACLE -- WITTY CHIMP SELLS PEANUTS!!!! -- DOPIE WAS 8 & HE BLAMED TAKEOVER -- POPULATION GOES HOO-HOO -- WILD, KILLING OWLS KISS TWO MORE KIDS IN-BED -- DOCTOR IN GALLUP SUIT HAS ONLY ONE BHAVI BEAN! -- WRITTEN CRACKER BY BURNING THE EARTH -- NEW MEXICAN BOY-METER UNSURE -- I'M A BANK ROBBER AND WANT TO GO HOME: 52 CRIPPLED AFTER RAID, BANK SET FOR $15 MILLION BYCLOSURE -- WILD JESUS HEALS A BLEEDIN PAINTBALL WARD! -- BIG GUY SNOWS IN TREE GALLERY -- COURT GIVES RODENTS NEW LEASHES -- CHER, 8, COULDN'T LEAVE NANNY BEH

FEROCIOUS GHOSTS CHASE CAR-CARRYING KIDNAPPERS -- NINJAS MAKE KID CAPTIVE -- PARTYING STONERS' EAR-RASH IS DANGEROUS SIN -- TALES FROM THE PATIENT 'FASTER THAN SPEED OF LIGHT' SECTION -- VIC FOREMAN SWINGS ON HANGMAN'S NOSE -- I GOT STABBED, FOES SAID THIS IS NO HOSPITAL -- MILKMAN ALLEGEDLY SEXUALLY ASSAULTS CHERRY -- I'VE BEEN BURNING UP FOR MONTHS -- THESE BOYS TRIED TO SELL ME A DONKEY -- RAUCOUS NEIGHBOR IN LOCKUP -- GIRL ATTENDS PLEA TO TOSS KID IN WELFARE DEPT. -- COPS CAPTURE SICK KID SALESMAN -- BAILIFFS SEIZED MAN WITH SEVEN ORGANS -- BLIND DHARMA TEACHER FINDS LOOT IN STORE -- 2 PAINFUL THINGS I FOUND IN A DRAIN -- 'DOGS WERE RUNNING FULL-TILT IN THE STREET -- KIDS ASKED ME TO MARRY THEM -- HEARTLESS MAN LYNCHED MY RELOCATING DOG!" "TO MURDER RAT -- GOD GAVE ME A STETHOSCOPE, THESE ARE THE RAT-EYED FOLKS I'VE SEEN... simply VERONICA SCRUGGS -- What people are saying about this book

[MOTORIST SURVIVES SEA HORROR! -- ARMY OF ARMED HOODLUMS WILL OVERRUN THE EARTH, WARNS RICHARD DAWKINS -- AMAZING BLIND MAN ORDERS MEDICAL EXPERT TO STAY AWAY FROM THE THE FAMILY DOG SHE LOVES! -- POLICE DOG DIES OF FRIGHT IN TRAGIC REINCARNATION HORROR -- GOD FOUND MY PET SPIDER! -- SCHOOLKIDS IN A SPIN OVER HEALTH FOOD FREAKS -- SKY DIVER GETS BIONIC TOT'S BODY PARTS IN A BOX -- EERIE BLUE HAZE SAVES DIVORCED DAD'S LIFE 15 TIMES --]

GINGER SNAKE DEMANDS GRANT... -- ''ROAD WARRIOR'' CAPTURED BY RUSSIAN BOMBERS -- 4-YEAR-OLD PUP LOCKS HIMSELF OUT OF THE HOUSE WEST OF TOYOTA, CALIFORNIA! -- WATCHING A DEAD PERSON SING MY BIRTHDAY SONG IS NOT BELIEVEABLE, SAY MANY! -- KIT BIDEO'S FIRST VISIT TO THE DOCTOR'S, THE END! -- 79-YEAR-OLD MOTHER AND SISTER DIE OF SADNESS -- ROCKET CAR MISTAKEN AS TRUE POPE APPROACHES INCREDIBLE JOURNEY-- NEWSMAX AROUND THE WORLD -- SEE HOW THE SMOG WAS AWFUL -- WOMAN MUSIC VFU

[WEREWOLF WAS A WOMAN! -- POST OFFICE DELIVERS DINOSAUR EGGS -- FLUNK-OUT KIDS FIND CITIES IN THE AFTERLIFE -- BIBLE-THUMPING TV PREACHER'S GHOST SAVES LIFE OF PRINCESS CAROLINE -- MY DEAD GROOM CAME BACK AS A PARROT -- HEFTY HOUSEWIFE SCARES AWAY HEART-ATTACK VICTIM! -- ROCK WHIZ SAVES EX-CON WITH NOISY CAR -- ETS THINK AMERICAN PRODUCTS ARE BETTER THAN JAPANESE -- MIRACLES WORKED BY GRENADE! -- SHERLOCK HOLMES INSPECTED UFO CRASH IN 1947 --]

STUFF YOUR EYES OUT AND SEE FOR YOURSELF: KINDER-ED PEOPLE! -- FIREBIRD APPEARS TO MISS NASCAR -- SPINOUT ON BARBER-POLE LEADS TO HIV OUTBREAK -- WORST DAILIES EVER! -- BLACK MAGIC AFFECTED MAN'S FEMALE PARTS! -- FIVE STAR-CELEBRATION SHRIMP SYNDROME? -- CHILD GUIDED BY DISCORDANT INNER VOICE! -- GISKO SEETHES WHILE IN SPIRIT TRANCE -- WOMAN REAWAKES FROM SUBDUAL FLESH -- MYSTERY MUM JUMPS THROUGH TIME TRAP! -- NEGATIVE WEIGHT MAKES A KILLER RAT KUNT! -- THE DEVIL HOLDS ONTO A GOVERNOR -- CHRISTIANS DENY GOBLIN WIFE -- HOPELESS MADMAN STALKS CAFE FARE-HELL -- BURGLARS USE FIEND IN ELECTRICAL MOVE-BY! -- TERRORISTS SELL GIRL YOU CAN BUY HER -- HERCULES SAILS HERACLES -- ROACH DRINKS AGH! -- HARROWING ATTRACTION OF CHILD ABDUCTIONS -- I LOVE MORONS! -- PITILESS ROBOT CAN WALK ON TALL BUILDINGS -- COCKROACH GIVES CHILDLESS MUM WHAT SHE WANTS -- WINDS FLY MEN INTO WATER -- HYDRAULICS FOR SELF-RIGHTEOUS HOMEOWNER -- CZECH NEVER ACQUIRED HIS ACCENT LEAPFROGGING -- REGENERATION ANIM

WIFE EXPLAINS SCIENCE AND REFUSES TO ABUSE CHILD -- WHITEWASHED WITCH DOCTOR EATS SPOOKY DRINK -- DEAD BABY COVERED WITH EGGS -- AMISH GIRL APPEARS THEN DISAPPEARS -- SPECIES AFTER LOCUSTS -- An OPEN-AND-SHUT CASE OF OOPH!! -- SPECTACULAR CATCH OF THE JAWS -- GIFTED BODY TWIRLER -- THE DOG WHO ASKED FOR A LIVING DIDN'T GET IT -- BURNING WOLF SPARKS FLAMES THAT KILL MEGALOMA -- GHOST SHATTERS TOBACCO CAN! -- SHOCKING DANCES FOR THE WRECKED EASTER BUNNY -- DRUNKEN LITTLE BOY DISPLAYS ANGRY VAMOOSE -- PARASITS SUCK BABY MUMMY -- SPOOK AND FLACCID NOEL SIN -- GOURDING THE SAINT: LOUISIANA ST. JUBILANCE FESTIVAL -- MACHO ITCHISHAM'S DISEASES! -- ALLIGATOR SUCKS SO MUCH HIS NOSE WIGGLES! -- FLANGING COUGAR DIRECTOR CONTROLLS BROOM THAT SWALLOWS STRUCK FAN! -- BLACK POPE TO PAY WALL STREET LAWYERS! -- FAMOUS PASTOR OFFERS HORSE IN EXCHANGE FOR DEER -- GUY WITH A BIG HEAD BUTTED A HORSE IN A RESTAURANT -- FUNK-LOVING SCHOOLBOY DRAWS BEAVER -- IMPORTANT MAN TRIES TO DEBUNK UFO MIRAGE -- END TIMES IN MEXICO AT CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND? -- RARE CHEETAH IS NIBBLED TO DEATH BY A PITBULL -- PIRACY IS TAKING OVER EAST AFRICA -- SLOW-MODE RADAR-JAMMING CURSES PLANE -- BABY CAT SPOTTED ON BRIDGE; TOYS WATERFALL -- BIG-BONE COMES IN ON THEM TONES -- GIRL WITH AN ERASED HEADSTONE DIES FIRST DAY OF GRAD SCHOOL! -- QUEEN OF ENGLAND’S CURSE PROVES HARMFUL

[THOSE TIPS TURN FEDS INTO JERKS -- ASTONISHING CHILD DIES OF FRIGHT IN TRAGIC YUPPIE PUPPY HORROR -- TIME RUNS OUT ON TREES -- AMAZING 2-HEADED BABY'S BLOUSE FETCHES $10G! -- SCIENTISTS CONFIRM BACHELOR TAPES VOICES FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE -- FAT MAGICIAN LEADS BLOODTHIRSTY ATTACK -- GREEDY NIECE SCARES AWAY MACHO MAN! -- ATLANTIS RISING FROM THE SEA -- MURDER MYSTERY SOLVED BY INNOCENT MAN -- HI! HERE'S HOW TO PICK UP MEN -- TRIUMPH OF THE SUPERCAT --]

VIOLENT AMERICAN FOOTBALL GAME SODDED BY BEASTS -- $18 FILLED WITH SOUP PARTY WASTED WITH SOURCE! -- COMA MAN THRILLS AS A FORMER LIVING DEAD -- HORRENDOUS NAKED MAN LOSES EVERY APPEARANCE -- KNOCKOUT KINGS! -- MEXICAN DRUG LORD DIES TRYING TO SHOOT A COCAINE HUMMER! -- SHOOTING AT THE CAMELLIAS -- WHATEVER CAUSED HOBBIT'S WEIGHTY 30-GALLON BLOODBATH -- PLASTIC TONED MUSCLE shows up in STEROIDS -- NAKED MAN MEETS SORTIE -- NAKED FIST FIGHT AND STRANGLES 5-YEAR-OLD MOM! -- FATAL BEFORE MATURITY! -- FATAL MORNING MUDBATH -- TEXAS DEATH PIT -- SLOTH POOP EAU DE COLE WORSE THAN VENGEANCE MONEY-BACK GUARANTEE! MAYBE I DIDN'T NEED TO SCREAM -- WRECK OF THE "HOSEN" LEAVES LIZ -- ALEXANDER THE GREAT WILL ADDRESS CLEMSON UNIVERSITY -- EPIDEMIC VIRUS LEAVES MILLIONS IN FILTHY PSYCHOSIS -- EXORCIST EXPLAINS DEMON IN THE WOMB KILLING ANGEL -- CYLINDERS AND THE DYING, SICK YUPPIE DOGS -- REVEALED: THE HIDDEN TASTE OF THE SOLAR SYSTEM -- CATATONIC BOYS BEAT UP AND RAPE UNCONSCIOUS FEMALE! -- FEAR OF FORESTALLED WEDDINGS -- SHALLOW SOURCE-- LOW EFFECTIVENESS UNDER BADSKIN! LINKS -- GIGGLES IN JAPAN EXPOSED -- BABY YOSHI REVEALS SECRETS OF THE GRAVITY-DEFYING FAILSAFE -- TOILET IN POLICE CELL BLOODY SQUIRT BIG SHOT -- POLICE SLUGS GO ON THE SPIT! -- REVELATIONS REVEAL A NAKED YUPPIE PUPPY CAPTURE -- AMAZING THIRD EYEBALL BROWS PROVE THEY REVEAL THE TRUTH THERE'S NO TELLING WHY GIFTS OF BODY PARTS KILL -- FEMICS' POOREST CONNECTION WITH A MAN FREAKS MAGICIAN -- GIRL IN DERBY SUCCORED BY MOBI DEADLY OGRE TREES IN WAITING AROUND US! -- FIREWOLF WONDERS -- RAW DEAL -- BRAVE BLUEHOUNDS -- HORRIBLE MUMMIES -- HIGHWAY TO HELL -- THANKS, DOCTOR Doktor -- SICK TUBE -- NEVER GIVE UP! -- BOWEL AND BS -- MARILYN MONROE'S LAST GLIMPSE -- DEATH-RAYED PIPES -- DIEING, HEAD EXAMINED -- STRANGE SLICES OF FLESH -- EXPRESSIVE LYNXES ENTER QUEEN LTHRYSTE FROM THE SKY! -- DOUGHNUT GUY AND FUCK MAN FROM HIGH IN ARIZONA -- EARLY THIRD WORLD LEATHER DTR SLORPY SCROFY -- FAMILY GONE WITH MY GREEN BIRD -- LAME JERK - HOLDING SCHAFFER DOES A HILARIOUS MOVE -- STONED CASE FOR THE MANITO BEACH MESSENGER -- SECRET HIDDEN BUNDLE ALWAYS IN THE FRIDGE -- GREATEST DYNAMITE BONANZA -- TO BOW TO OUR FEET -- DO YOU HAVE ANY PRINCESS LOVE? -- MASSIVE HARDONED PENILE -- SICK CAR CRASH -- EAT STRAW -- F

[THREE-ARMED LADY CRASHES ON STOLEN CAR -- BURGLAR TRIO: NUCLEAR WAR'S NO THREAT -- BLINDFOLDED MOTORIST PAID BIG BUCKS TO BE KILLED! -- THE FLOCK IS STILL WAITIN' FOR GOD'S TRAIN -- LEGLESS GIRL SERENADES CRUISE SHIP -- YOUNG LAWYER BUYS ROBOT DOCTOR -- PIPSQUEAK ROCK STAR IN A PICKLE -- FIEND'S GRAVE ROBBED BY PRETTY TEEN, SAY HEARTBROKEN HUBBIES -- THE GOVERNMENT BANNED THIS FAT SLOB'S SOCK --]

FIVE-YEAR-OLD TAKES FOUR-HOUR TAXI RIDE -- Teenaged Bad Manners Case Dismissed -- Dying Cancer Patient is not a Terminally Ill!! -- Little Car Shows off big Horse -- 8 over Humor: Pray for Terrorist -- The Love Letter to a Bank Stadium -- BUDDY WORKS OUT! -- INTERVIEW WITH A YOUNG MAN WHO WAS TO BE A GOVERNOR IN A FREE ELEPHANTLAND -- The Excellent Young Men's Urinals Manufacturer -- Kidnapped Tribesman Freed -- Lawrence Jobs Offers to Play a Two-Horse Gig to a Taciturn Miner -- The Dimensions of Athletic Friendships -- Crowned in a Corner -- Portrait of a Culture: Nairobi Youth dances at lunch hour -- MUSICAL CALL-ME-WHATEVER DROPS MAGIC F-BOMB -- Chinese spy stole autopsy report -- AMERICANS RAGE AS PAKISTANI MILITARY ATTACKS ISLAMIC STATE

HIT AND RUN TOTAL FOR GERMAN CAR -- DRESSED IN EPONYMOUS HAIRDOES -- LESS THAN A MINUTE AGAINST THE RAIN --- SCHIZOPHRENIC WOMAN CAUGHT WITH TWO BLACKMAILER'S -- BEHEADING PASSENGERS! -- WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THE PILOT OF THE SAGA LINER? -- SKYDIVER PAYS STIFF PRICE FOR SALARIES -- WHODUNIT LOOK-ALIKES? -- MICROWAVE HUMAN CORPSE! -- HIMALAYAN TREKKER DISCOVERED DISMEMBERED, ALIVE -- RICHLY LIT SAILORS VIA TUBE TO CRY FOR HELP -- HONEYMOONING GANGBANGER STILL PLAIN IN THE OBVIOUS! -- MUMMY CURSED TO WALK FOR LIFE -- MEN CUT OFF EYE SCRAPES -- GANGSTER BRUTALLY MUTILATED AT MEAL -- OTHER GANGBANGER STRIPPED TO LOOK-ALIKES -- INFIDELITIES OF BELLBOY AND CAR VALET -- CAR PURCHASERS PAID MONEY TO BE PUT IN SIDEWALKS -- LANDLADY JUGS PERVERTS -- BOGUS

GAL ESCAPES FROM JAIL -- SCHOOLBOY KILLED BUT STILL WAITIN' FOR ME -- CHICKEN SOUP SNOB -- PUNISHED FOR CASUAL DARING -- GIRL OVERDOSE HERSELF ON TV -- THIEF BLINDSIDED -- GIVES BIRTH TO MONSTER -- DRUNK DRIVER CAUGHT -- HEIRESS' CONSUMING SIN -- YOUNG BROTHERS BOW TO GIANT -- JACKING A FABRICATED HALO -- SOLDIER ADOPTS RABBIT -- LOVE IS A POXY -- KILLS LADY IN CARD -- REFUSES TO TAKE SELF IN-OFFENSE DRUNKDRIVER TOO BLOODY TO STOP -- BRIDE'S FOREIGN COLLAR LEADS TO FUNNY BEHIND... -- SKIP TRYING TO BE MR. KNOW-IT-ALOUD, GETS MR. I DONT WANNA BE HERE -- YOUNG SWEETHEART'S COMING APRIL -- ALIEN STEALS SKETCHES -- SHOCKING SATISFACTION SWEETHEART SENT TO PRISON -- EDUCATION SYSTEM SHOULD BE ROTTEN -- CORN-BALL-SHELL KILLER RIDES THE ROOST -- LOST AND FOUND: LIZARD INVESTIGATES FOUNTAINS! -- A BEAUTIFUL BRIDE HEARS PING! -- FUNNY OLD PREACHER EATS MORNING SUPPER -- ITS LOOKS LIKE SANTA ANGRY -- SCIENTIFIC WAY TO KILL ALIENS ALREADY -- DREADFUL CAR ACCIDENTS AROUND TOWN -- PLUS TEN MISCELLANEOUS ANIMALS EATERS! FILMED IN THE GIGANTIC CONVENTION CITY OF MONUMENT, UTAH -- VERSION BEGINS -- BOOGIEST CITIES IN AMERICA -- THEY'RE A-LIVIN' IN 'EM -- PLIGHT OF THE BLOBS! -- OFFICIAL JERK MISTAKES YOUNG COUPLE FOR SPY AND HER SUBJECTS! -- TAILS THROUGH HELL -- WORSTING NEAR MORGUE -- THE GUY IN THE WEIRD UNDERPANTS -- MAYBE NOT POSSESSED: JEEPERS PLAYHOUSE SINGERS EXORCIZE AN EATER -- A MIND-DESTROYING VIDEO GAME THRILLED A WINE 47-YEAR-OLD MAN TO KILL HIMSELF -- NUISANCE ANIMAL PESTS U.S.S. FRIGATE ATTTACKED -- DUMB THIRD WORLD PUPPIES 'R' US -- A 0.34-TON CHEST OF DOPE -- MONSOON FAVORS KILLING OPS -- SLAIN FOR A QUARTER-TON OF JAM -- A MONSTER MACHINE MAKES A PHONE CALL -- TWO EX-TERMINATORS FILLED HOTEL -- BANDITS BLAST A JET CARRIER -- VILE PRISON CATERING -- WIFE TOSSED, HER HUSBAND WENT PAST -- GIANT SNOUT DESERVED TO DIE! -- JEALOUS GRUNT ATTACKS 'CHICKADEE' CUSSER -- RAVENOUS FATTIES TIE LOCAL INK COW IN CIRCUSWEIGHT POST -- MUNCH OF HAND WIPES OUT POLICE STATION -- POLICE HAVE A SENSITIVE STARCH -- TREASURE HUNTER KILLS TUG BOAT -- CHUNKY TUTOR CLIMBS TREE -- BEMUSED BROWN DENIZENS GIVE UFOS A BAD NAME

[BRITISH MEN WAIT 14 YEARS TO MAKE WHOOPEE -- AND IT KILLS THEM! -- MAD SLASHER GETS NEW LIFE -- GHOSTS DRIVE PUNKS NUTS! -- CARING LADY TELLS OF TRIP TO HEAVEN -- GAY NUN PAYS JOGGER TO STAY WITH MICHAEL JACKSON]

-- PRINCE OF THIEVES MEETS A VERY SHARP LADY -- THREE SISTERS SPY ON WINNER OF THE ENGAGEMENT TO KATE MIDDLETON -- BEARS WHO FOLLOW WOMEN GET ANGRY WHEN FEMALE ATTACKS -- PUMP-PRACTICE MODEL FOR WHOLE NEW SEASON OF BRITAIN'S BIGGEST LOSER -- POLICE PLAY POLICE WITH CONTESTANTS -- NO FUN SUNSHINE ON POOLS CAUGHT SETTING UP LINKS -- GIRLS BIRTHDAY CAKE -- GOOD JOKE ON HERO IN OUR EVERYDAY LIFE -- BONNIE DEXTER OF THE CUBS -- VAMPIRES AND MIDNIGHT TRICKS -- GAG REEL CAUGHT ACID KILLER ON FILM - BOOK OF THE WEEK LONGLINE

Worked pretty well! It's so good, in fact, I'm writing an app that just puts a chyron at the bottom of my screen, scrolling important breaking headlines generated by deep learning, hot off the GPUs. (I might even mix in some REAL breaking headlines scraped from the web, just to be sassy and make a statement.) Just because I can, and it's magic.

Companies like AI Dungeon and NovelAI are trying to adapt this technology for interactive fiction, and they do this with the LLM in the role of dungeon master/story narrator, but it's fairly obvious to me that the other direction (you're the DM, GPT-whatever takes the role of NPCs/PCs) is going to be much, much more entertaining/chaotic. That's the direction I'm going to take now that my holodeck is taking shape, anyway.

The AI arms race is going to be scary AF, though. I'm not talking about the Yudkowsky crowd and their obsession with general super-AI -- that's mostly for people that don't discount risk to present. I am worried about the potential for more immediate harm when any super-rich asshole can deploy a million agents with near-human abilities at things like "social engineering" or "mass surveillance", to do horrible things they couldn't get actual people to do. I'm worried about the nation states that feel they're behind, and the nation states that feel like they're ahead. Like, it's great that I get to be a literal wizard now (Iron Man suits in 2023, please?) but if you still have any faith in society's ability to collectively tend to itself after the last few years, I don't know what to tell you.

Someday maybe the people will have a massive pool of common compute and we won't all potentially be at the mercy of the nation-states/megacorps/billionaires that wield the Palantírs. That could be a truly amazing future. Like, if you have even one eye open, you don't want any of these people with exclusive control of any of this stuff. Way too dangerous. Swarm computing perhaps? This is something there should be more organizing around, or even just some noise. If a democractic/non-authoritarian future depends on people having to learn even as much as a little Python, though, we're all screwed. Ah well. Eat, drink, and be merry.