Eclectic Lunchbox of Delights

--------------------- begin transmission -------------------------------

"Leaptrek" MiSTified

By Chris Street.

Part 3


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(Continued from part 2)

[SoL]


"Leaptrek" MiSTified

By Chris Street.

Part 3
[6...5...4...3...2...1]

[Mike is holding his arms in front of him and making zombie noises; he's
 apparently somewhere far, far away. Crow is mournfully shaking his head.
 Tom is searching through some unseen drawers for something.]

Mike: [groans]
Crow: Whew. I agree. This fanfic has a plot so sluggish it's sapping my
      life away! Hey, Tom, what'cha doing?
Tom: I'm looking for some caffeine tablets. I almost fell asleep during that
     incredibly exciting sequence in Deanna Troi's quarters.
Mike: [groans]
Tom: I'm seriously considering shutting myself down...
Crow: Oh, it's not all *that* bad...
Tom: Have you already forgotten Beverly Crusher's incredible performance in
     the sickbay scene?
Crow: No, but that was admittedly *very* bad...
Tom: And how about all that garbage about a time bubble?
Crow: Oh, that *was* terrible...
Tom: Dare I even mention Geordi's rambling about something... er,
     *something.* I mean, we're not even given a clue as to what it *means*,
     Crow.
Crow: Hmmm...
Mike: [groans, and shakes his head] Wha... what? What were we talking about?
Tom: The fanfic. We were going over the worst scenes.
Mike: I thought it was pretty funny when Al was telling Sam all about his
      being on the Enterprise. I mean, hadn't Sam ever seen "Star Trek"?
Tom: [chuckles] Yeah, that *was* horrendous. Hey, how about when Sam tries
     to take on authority by saying things like "um" and "er" and when he
     takes orders from subordinate officers?
Mike: That's just ludicrous.
[Crow groans loudly.]
Tom: Or, how about Sam's reluctance to get his head wound looked at?
[Mike chuckles.]

[Fanfic sign.]

Tom: Ah! I feel much better. I think I can take this sucker.
Mike: [pointing to the ground] Tom? What are these drawers out for?
Tom: Oh, I was looking for something... funny, can't remember was it was
     now.

[Mike and Tom walk off to the theater.]

Crow: *I'm gonna die! I'm gonna die!*

[6...5...4...3...2...1]

[Mike and Servo resume their seats in the theater. Crow lags behind.]

Mike: C'mon, Crow! You've gotta read the rest of this fanfic!
Crow: [off-screen] I... I don't wanna.
Mike: Oh, for crying out loud...

[Mike gets up and carries Crow to his seat. He then sits down.]

Crow: I hate you, Mike.

> 
> 
> LEAPTREK
> 
> by Katriena Knights
> 
> PART III
> 
> 
> Deanna Troi shook her head in frustration.  
> "None of this makes any sense at all."

Crow: Yeah, tell *us* about it!

>
> "Tell me about it," Al mumbled.

Mike: Hey, he stole your line, Crow.
Crow: He *would*.

>
> "No, no, wait a minute," Geordi broke in.  "I think I get it."  

Tom: [Geordi] You say, the butler was in cahoots with Ms. Whifflethorpe,
     who did the Earl in with a lobster fork?

> He faced Sam squarely.

Mike: [beatnik] You're *such* a square, man.

>                         "If you're in contact with the real Captain
> Picard, then you can prove it."
> 
> Sam shrugged.  "Yeah, I suppose I could.  Al, are we in contact with Picard?"
> 
> "Not at the moment.

Crow: [Al] He's in the can.

>                      He's probably flirting with Tina.  I'll be back."

Tom: I didn't know Schwarzenegger was in this fanfic!

>
> As Al slipped out the Imaging Chamber door, Troi protested again.  
> "He's talking to thin air and you believe him?"
> 

Mike: Talking to thin air... hmmm, seems pretty normal for this fanfic.

> "I don't know," Geordi replied.  "Do you sense any . . .
> insanity?

Mike: Oh, *that's* a loaded question.
Crow: [Deanna] From Picard? No, but I'm getting insane vibes from the
      author...

>            Dishonesty?"
> 
> Troi calmed, looking at Sam.  Sam found her scrutiny unnerving at best.  

Mike: Yet, strangely pleasant.

> "He believes what he says is the truth, and he does not
> feel any hostility towards us.  Beyond that . . ."

Tom: ...lies madness.

>
> Sam looked from Troi to Geordi and back.  
> Some pieces were falling into place.  "Wait a minute.  
> What does he mean do you sense anything?  You're telepathic or something?"
> 
> "No.  I'm not telepathic.  I'm an empath.  I'm only half Betazoid."  

Crow: You know, from the planet Betamax?

> Her tone indicated she had explained this more times than anyone could count.
>
> "Picard didn't tell us that.  He _knew_ you would figure it out, 
> so he didn't tell us."  Sam didn't know whether to be angry or impressed, 
> so instead he turned his attention to the problem at hand.  

Mike: Oh, Heaven forbid we should do anything related to the plot!

> "Al went to get Picard.  He'll be back in a minute.
> In the mean time, is there someplace you can look, 
> I don't know, some history files or something,

Tom: [Sam] ...I've got a test I'm supposed to be cramming for.

> where there might be some record of Project Quantum Leap?  
> I wrote a good number of papers, as I remember."
> 
> "Computer," Geordi said.  "Do you have anything on a Sam Beckett?"

Crow: [Geordi] Past incarcerations, physical specs, MO, what-not.

>
> A voice, apparently from nowhere, said, "Working."

Mike: Nowhere Man is working.

>
> "What's going on?"
> 
> "The computer's looking," Geordi replied.
>
> "You have a voice activated computer?  Cool."

Crow: [computer] Now activating air conditioners...
Mike: Crow, you already used that joke.
Crow: Yeah, well, they shouldn't have used that *line* again!

>
> "What's so great about that?"  Al had returned.  "Ziggy's voice activated."

Crow: Yeah, but the only word he understands is "Froghurt".

>
> "Yeah, but this is a lot bigger than Ziggy.  Al's back," 
> he added to the others by way of explanation.
> 
> "Beckett, Samuel."

Mike: [computer] Main character from a stupid sci-fi show, late
      twentieth century.

>                     The voice came from overhead, a pleasant
> though sedate woman's voice.

Crow: Aww, been putting morphine in the CPU again, Data?

>                               "There are two entries in the history files.
> First entry:  Beckett, Samuel.  Born in Dublin, Ireland, in 1906.  
> Shall I continue with this entry?"
> 
> "No, that's the wrong one," Sam said.  "Go to the next one."
> 
> "Beckett, Samuel.  Born 1956, Elk Ridge, Indiana.  

Mike: No, Sam. *That's* the wrong one!

> Shall I continue with this entry?"
> 
> "That's it.  Um . . . Could you please skip a death date, if it's recorded?"

Tom: [computer] Oh, scared of death, are we, Mr. Beckett? Well, let me be the
     first to tell you... you'll die at the hands of a crazed marmoset in the
     alpine climes of rural Wyoming!

>
> "Affirmative.  Beckett, Samuel.  Born 1956, Elk Ridge, Indiana.  
> Received seven doctoral degrees from MIT,

Crow: The Mammal-Oriented Imaginary Technical Institute.

>                                           including quantum
> physics, medicine and music.  Received Nobel Prize in physics, 1993.

Mike: ...for his exposition on the physics of static cling.

> Best known for development of Quantum String Theory of time travel.  
> Founded Project Quantum Leap in 1995.

Crow: [computer] Had a strange fetish for the word "quantum".

>                                        Project involved time travel
> within the lifetime of the traveller.

Tom: ...and was canceled after two seasons.

>                                        For further details,
> I will have to consult the archives.  Shall I do so?"
> 
> "Not yet," Geordi said.

Crow: Wait for it...

>                          "Can you tell us the exact location
> where Project Quantum Leap was built?"
> 
> "In the vicinity of Blue Rock, New Mexico."

Tom: Yep, that's *exact*, all right.

>
> "Thank you."
> 
> "The computer doesn't know your middle name, either," Al put in.
> 
> Sam chose to ignore the comment.  "Do you have Picard there?"

Mike: [Al] No, but I've got tartar sauce. Is that all right?

>
> "Yeah, he's here."
> 
> "He's here," Sam said.

All: He's here, already!

>
> Troi frowned.  "If the captain is here, why can I not sense his presence?"
>
> "Because he's not _here_ here -- he's four years in the future.  
> I just have contact with him through Al."
> 
> "Can you see him?"

Tom: Tommy, can you hear me?

>
> "No, I can't.  I can see Al, but Ziggy can't 
> put out enough power to allow me to see Picard, too, 
> because he's using so much power to get Al's signal to me."
> 
> "Who's Ziggy?" LaForge put in.

Crow: A lovable comic strip character.

>
> "Ziggy is the computer that runs Project Quantum Leap."
>
> "But what . . ."
> 
> "Wait a minute, Geordi," Troi broke in.

Mike: [Troi] Sorry about breaking in and all. The door was locked.

>                                          "I want to know if he
> really is in contact with the captain, or if he's just standing 
> there talking to himself."

Tom: [Sam] Captain Picard! I summon the spirit of Jean-Luc Picard! If you
     can hear us, knock three times... or get us out of this fanfic!

>
> Geordi gestured for her to proceed.  
> Troi settled herself in her chair and regarded Sam intently.

Crow: ...as a loon.

>
> "God, is she cute."  Al was looking just as intently back at Troi.
> 
> "What was that?" Troi demanded.
> 
> Sam was puzzled.  "What was what?"
> 
> "I sense irritation."

Mike: [Sam] Err, a little Preparation-H might clear *that* up...

>
> Impressed, Sam said, "Yes, a little.  Al just said something rude."
> 
> Sam was no empath, but he could tell Troi was getting annoyed.  
> "I want to talk to the captain."

Tom: [Sam] Let us join hands as we summon the spirit of our belated friend
     Jean-Luc Picard...

>
> "Deanna, you have done very well," Al said suddenly.
> 
> "What?"
> 
> "Tell her that, Sam.  It's what Baldy just said."

Crow: [Sam] Mr. Clean just said that you have done very well...

>
> "Picard says, 'Deanna, you have done very well.'"
> 
> "And?"

Tom: [Deanna] Ask him where the will is!...
Mike: You're still doing that seance bit?

>
> Sam waved for Al to continue.  It was awkward, running the 
> conversation in relay form, but they had done similar things before.
> 
> "Deanna," Picard continued,

Mike: Through Al, and through Sam...
Tom: We can't emphasize that enough...

>                             "I deliberately did not mention
> your empathic abilities because I had hoped you would 

Crow: ...not bring them up. This fanfic's stupid enough as it is!

> ascertain what was happening.  Obviously, you have done so."
> 
> Deanna looked slightly abashed.  "Actually, Captain -- 
> if I am, indeed, speaking to the captain -- 
> I wouldn't have realized anything was amiss if

Mike: ...it weren't for a really huge plot contrivance a couple chapters
      back.

>                                                Geordi
> hadn't felt something strange was gong on."
> 
> "Commander LaForge?  How did he come to that conclusion?  

Tom: With a lot of help from the author.

> Yeah," Al added for himself.  "I can understand the
> telepathic thing, but what tipped _him_ off?"
> 
> Geordi tapped his VISOR.  "I see different wavelengths 
> than sighted people.  The image I was seeing of the captain 
> seemed like it was coming in on another wavelength.  

Crow: [flower child] They were like, the weirdest vibes, man!

> It's difficult to explain to someone who can't see it.
> Then when I was in sickbay and Dr. Crusher's scanner 
> read the wrong blood type . . . well, that's when I went to Counsellor Troi."
>
> "Nice job, Geordi," Picard said, though coming from Al's mouth
> it didn't sound very complimentary.  Sam retranslated.

Crow: [sigh] This fanfic is carrying on an entire conversation through Sam,
      through Al, and finally through Picard.
Mike: That's about the size of it. Have you ever seen anything like this?
Crow: Nope. Just goes to show all the pain I *haven't* experienced yet.
Tom: Oh, Dr. Forrester must be pleased...

> "I hadn't thought of that.  But I suppose I should have
> after the other times your VISOR has helped us.  
> Like with the analysis of the shielding on Moab IV.  

Mike: [Picard] ...and when we were stranded in the chocolate mines of
      Willy Wonka.

> But it seems we make more use of your talents, Counsellor,
> such as on Vegra II when you were able to help save most of 
> the away team as well as yourself and Ben from Armus.  
> But it was a pity we lost Tasha Yar."

All: ...hunter from the future!

>                                        Al paused.  "Is that enough?"
> 
> "Was that from you or from Picard?" Sam asked.
> 
> "From me.  You know how much I hate this kind of thing."
> 
> Judging by the obvious softening of Deanna Troi's features, 
> Sam guessed that

Tom: ...her face was made of cotton swabs!

>                  she had been convinced.
> 
> "Do you need to hear anymore?" he asked her.
> 
> "No," she said quietly.

All: [sigh with relief]

>                          "No, I don't think so.
> But there is one more thing I would like to ask."
> 
> "And that is?"

Mike: [Deanna] Is Certs a candy or a breath mint?

>
> "What course of action does the captain recommend?"

Crow: Put the thrusters into overdrive and get the hell out of this fanfic!

>
> Sam watched Al nod and concentrate for a time, then Al supplied the answer.
> 
> "He would like to see Commander Riker apprised of the 
> situation so that, if the need arises, he will not 
> hesitate to make crucial command decisions.

Tom: ...doesn't matter if they're *good* ones, just that they're crucial.

> Then he would suggest that Commander LaForge do the 
> diagnostics on the engines, as planned,

Mike: Yeah, fixing the engines might be a good idea.

>                                         and that you
> attempt to recreate the jump through the anomaly . . . 
> Which is about what I would have recommended," Sam finished.

Crow: [Sam] So there!

>
> Deanna was studying him intently again.  
> "I sense in you an honest desire to help us," she said.  "I believe you."
> 
> Sam smiled a little.

Mike: [Sam] Heh, heh. I've got a sucker here.

>                       "I have to help you," he said.
> "Otherwise I may never get home."
> 

Crow: Auntie Em must be worried for me by now!

>     * * * *

Tom: Ah, that was the wittiest bit of commentary in this fanfic!

>
> " . . . Now let me see if I have this right.  This man travels 
> through time by taking the place of people who exist on that timeframe?"

Mike: Yep, that's the story.
Tom: Something like that.
Crow: I think we've established this already.

>
> "Apparently, yes."  Deanna was more amused than annoyed by 
> Riker's seeming inability to comprehend the situation.  
> Sam merely sat calmly by, behind Picard's face, adding nothing.

Mike: [chuckle] Well, I'm glad he's leaving Picard's face alone!
Tom: Yeah, what would he add? An extra nose, another eyebrow...
Crow: ...some hair, maybe...

> LaForge had departed earlier to begin the diagnostics on the engines.
> 
> "And he has no control over where he goes, or who he displaces."

Crow: But he still manages to jump into all sorts of interesting folks!

>
> "None whatsoever."
> 
> "But he's in contact with 1999 through a person who we can't see, 
> and this person has been relaying messages from the _real_ 
> Captain Picard, who is also in 1999, while we are in 1995?"

Tom: Uh huh. Sounds perfectly reasonable to me. *Can we get on with the
     story now?*

>
> "Yes."
> 
> Arms crossed over his chest,

Mike: Knees folded on the floor, in the classic fetal position...

>                              the tall commander stood chewing
> over the thought through a long silence.

Crow: Ummmm! That's one chewy thought!

>                                           Finally, then,
> he turned his gaze to Sam.  There was a look of slowly 
> dawning realization in his grey eyes.

Crow: [Riker] Oh, I get it! "D" comes *after* "C"!
Mike: [Riker] Oh! The President of the United States *isn't* a lobster?
Tom: [Riker] So, that's where babies come from!

>
> "When you hit your head.  That was when it happened.  Am I right?"
> 
> "You're close," Sam answered.

Crow: [Sam] In fact, *too* close! Get *away* from me, Riker!

>                                "It was a split second before that."
> 
> Riker nodded.  He was already mulling again, weighing implications.  
> "There's one thing I don't understand, though."
> 
> "What's that?" Troi prompted.

Crow: [Riker] How is it that Orville Redenbacher's new microwavable popcorn
      tastes just as good as the *real thing*?

>
> "If the anomaly which we are dealing with now is indeed being 
> produced by your Project Quantum Leap, or Ziggy, or whatever -- 
> then what produced the initial effect in our present that
> threw us back here?"
> 
> "And that, of course," Sam said, "is a very good question.  

Mike: [Mr. Rogers] Let's see what the Magic Screen has to say about that!

> Al is checking right now to see if, theoretically, our initial
> startup of the accelerator could have produced some kind 
> of folding effect . . ."

Tom: Yeah, we've got a real problem with road maps at Project Quantum
     Leap...

> 
> He was broken off by the sharp bleeping of Riker's communicator.

Mike: Broken off by sharp bleeping? That's gotta hurt!

> 
> "Commander Riker, this is LaForge."
> 
> "Go ahead, Geordi."
> 
> "We've got some problems here.  

Crow: Houston, we've got some problems here...

>                                 I think we'd better discuss this in person."
> 
> "We'll be in the conference room in ten."
> 

Tom: So, does that mean they'll come in groups of ten...
Crow: ...or that they'll be there in ten minutes...
Mike: ...or that they'll be there at ten o'clock?

>     ****
> 
> Geordi's hands would not stop shaking.

Crow: He just *had* to get another hit, somehow...
Mike: Crow, that was very, *very* dark...
Crow: Thank you.

>                                         The diagnostics results
> were blinking on the viewscreen in the conference room, 
> red and yellow and green, 

Tom: Traffic on the Enterprise is a *nightmare*...

>                           blinking and blinking, and all 
> he could think about or see was Lara.  

Mike: Except, of course, the blinking red, yellow, and green lights.

>                                       Lara asking him 
> question after question about the engines, obsessed with 
> details of function, 

Crow: [Lara] Geordi, what's this lever for?
Mike: [Geordi] Oh, that's the airlock release... aiiieeeeeee!!!

>                      devouring information with a hunger 
> that rivaled his own.  

Mike: Ummmm, that's some good information!

>                        It was this more than anything else 
> that had brought them together so quickly, so intensely.  

Mike: [Geordi] Oh, Lara, hearing you talk lovingly about the manifold
      pressure gauge makes me *so hot*...

> He had told her things about his engines he had never told anyone else.  

Crow: And what does *that* mean?

> And he had given her the most valuable thing he had ever possessed -- 
> his diary, 

All: [hooting]

>            where he documented every change, every modification, 
> every emergency backup system he had ever installed on the Enterprise.  

All: Awwww.....

> Now his mind replayed the scene again and again -- 

Crow: The booze, the ice pick, Lara's face...
Mike: Crow!

> her eagerness, the almost frightened, reverent way she had 
> taken the disc from his hand -- and he felt such a sick sense 
> of betrayal he thought for a moment he was going to vomit, or to weep.

Tom: Yeah, well, get away from the machinery first.

> 
> Deanna, of course, sensed it as soon as she walked into the room -- 
> probably before.  

Crow: The vomit on the floor was a dead give-away.

>                   She opened her mouth to speak, but he cut her 
> off with a sharp jerk of his head.  This was not the time.  
> The whole, sordid story would come out soon enough.

Mike: You know it'd be nice if the author would give us half a clue about 
      what was going on here!

> 
> Riker and the man, Sam Beckett, who did and did not look like 
> Captain Picard, 

Tom: We're getting poetic here...

>                 followed the Counsellor into the room.
> 
> "Are you all right, Geordi?" Riker asked.
> 
> "No, I'm not," Geordi shot back.  He gestured to the screen.  
> "None of us are."

Crow: We're all in this fanfic, aren't we?

> 
> Sliding into a chair, the commander squinted at the screen.  
> "What have you got?"

Mike: [Geordi] Diarrhea and a head cold. I feel awful, but thanks for asking.

> 
> Geordi swallowed.  The sound was so loud he was certain 
> they all must have heard it.  Deanna was watching him closely.  
> He couldn't bear to meet her gaze.

Tom: [Deanna] Hello, Geordi? This is my gaze. Gaze, this is Geordi.
Mike: [Geordi] I... can't... bear it!

>                                     Looking at Beckett
> gave him a headache.  So he focused on the screen and 
> its damning blips of red and green.

Tom: Well, any which way you look at it, he's better off than *us*.

> 
> "If we try to go to warp speed, the anti-matter containment 
> system will fail."

Crow: But the thrusters will pass!

> 
> Riker's eyes widened.  "How long will it take you to correct that?"
> 
> Geordi bit the inside of his lip fiercely.  "I can't."

Mike: [Geordi] I've lost my will to, eh... correct.

> 
> "What do you mean you can't?"  The question, sharp as an accusation, made 
> Geordi bite his lip until he tasted blood.  

Mike: Ummmm, that's some good blood!
Tom: Mike, could you lay off on the 'ummmm' jokes?
Mike: All right.

> One hand curled into a fist on the table.
> 
> "Every move I could have made has been anticipated.  
> Every backup circuit in the system has been blown.  

Crow: Every plot contrivance has been exhausted.

> The only way to repair this is with an entirely new control panel."
> 
> "Well, do we have one?"
> 
> "We did.  We don't anymore.  As far as I can tell, 
> it was destroyed with a phaser."

Tom: Some newbie engineers used it for target practice.

> 
> "Well, can we replicate one?"
> 
> "We could, except several vital substances have been 
> purged from the replicator stores."

Crow: How convenient...

> 
> "Sabotage," said Beckett quietly.

Mike: Oh, I don't think Sabotage would have done that... maybe Riker?

> 
> Riker threw himself out of his chair, passing a look 
> of daggers at their time-travelling refugee.  

Tom: Who immediately responded with a Queen of Swords.

> "No kidding.  Who in the hell could have done this?"
> 
> A hand brushed against Geordi's arm -- Deanna's, of course.  

All: Of course.
Tom: [Deanna] HE could have done it! Arrest Geordi!

> He kept himself focused on the screen, on Riker's anger.

Mike: It's the eye of the tiger, it's the thrill of the fight...

> 
> "There are only three people on this ship who possess 
> sufficient knowledge,"  Geordi said quietly.  
> "Myself, Commander Data, and Ensign Kylaree Lara."
> 
> "Who?" Riker demanded.

All: "Myself, Commander Data, and Ensign Kylaree Lara."

> 
> "Ensign Lara is new to Engineering," Deanna put in.  
> "She transferred to the Enterprise from the USS Asimov six months ago.  
> Geordi was training her on engine maintenance."

Crow: Among other things...

> 
> "How could a raw ensign manage something like this?"
> 
> _Here it is_, Geordi thought.  _Confession time._ 
> He still couldn't believe this was happening.  
> Not Lara.  Not Kylie.  It wasn't possible.
> 
> "She had access to my diaries, Commander."

All: Whew!
Mike: Finally, a scrap of explanation!
Tom: Mike, I've been waiting for this scene!

> 
> Riker stared at him.  Geordi saw the same sense of betrayal in 
> Riker's eyes that he felt in the pit of his own stomach.

Tom: Which was bizarre, seeing as it couldn't be in both places at once.

>
> "You gave her your diaries?  Six months on board and you 
> gave her your diaries?  What were you thinking?  
> What in the hell were you thinking?"

Mike: [Geordi] She said she'd ghost my biography for me!

> 
> Geordi gave back silence.  Slowly, Riker began to nod.

Tom: ...off to sleep, like the audience.

> 
> "So that's it.  Well, LaForge, that's a damned irresponsible way to behave."
> 
> "Number One!"  

All: Yo! We Numbah One!

>                The familiar voice of the captain sliced 
> through the argument.  "This is not the time for recriminations.  
> And I don't think you can say you haven't been guilty of the same crime."

Crow: Let he who is without sin cast the first, eh... Star Trek... thing.

> 
> Silence filled the room.  Geordi and the others gaped at Beckett.  
> Their response to the voice had been automatic; 

Mike: ...as the Captain had wired Pavlovian devices inside each of their
      skulls.

> now they did not know whether to feel foolish or angry.

Tom: They got out their masks of shame.

> 
> "Sorry," Beckett finally said.  "Picard thought it was 
> getting out of hand, and he asked me to step in."  
> He paused, cleared his throat.  "I think we should look at 
> how we can get out of this situation rather than trying 
> to determine whose fault it is."

Mike: It's all the author's fault, I just don't care anymore...

> 
> "He's right, Will," said Deanna.
> 
> "Yeah.  Yeah, I suppose he is."  Riker sat down again, defeated.  

Tom: He silently plotted his revenge.

> "So what do we do?"
> 
> "We leap you back," said Beckett.  

All: Eeeeewwww!

>                                    All eyes turned to him, 
> but he was batting a hand at an empty space next to him.  
> "No, Al, shut up a minute.  I think I've got this figured out."

Crow: There he goes, talking to imaginary people again!

> 
> "Well, please elaborate," Riker prompted.
> 
> "The theory behind the Quantum Leap accelerator is to 
> enable time travel within the lifetime of the traveler.  

Mike: No, that's its *purpose*. Is theory is...

> So, if you are displaced out of your native timestream, 
> the tendency should be to throw you forward, back into your own timestream."

Tom: I personally like white-water timestream rafting, myself.

> 
> Riker was skeptical.  "I don't know.  Your movement in time 
> has been thoroughly randomized.

Crow: I wouldn't say that... it seems highly purposeful to me. He always ends
      up helping somebody out, doesn't he?

>                                  How do we know we'll end 
> up where we're supposed to be?

Tom: Where do *you* want to go today?

>                                 Or that we won't end up
> like you, displacing somebody else?  I mean, we could end up as 
> Ferengi or something."

Mike: [Sam] Look, Riker, don't try to spoil the plot with *logical thinking*,
      O.K.?

> 
> "Well, surely your technology is advanced enough that 
> you could make some improvements on my efforts.  
> Is there anyone aboard who is well-versed in time theory?"

Tom: Ensign Isaac Asimov IX and Commander Stephen Hawking XII, but other than
     those two, no.

> 
> "Data knows about everything there is to know as far as current theory.  
> I don't know if he would have any knowledge of 
> something as outdated as your work."
> 
> A flash of strangely Picard-like irritation moved 
> over Beckett's face.

Crow: Look, why don't you get something to clear that up?

>                       "Well, why don't we ask him?"  he said tightly.
> 
> "We will," Riker answered, terse.  "First we have 
> a saboteur to deal with."  He tapped his communicator. 
> "Riker to Lieutenant Worf."

All: Gesundheit!

> 
> There was a pause, then Worf's dark voice answered, "Worf here."
> 
> "Send a security team to apprehend Ensign Kylaree Lara.  

Tom: Ky-la-ree, ky-la-rah!

>                                                          Take her to . . ."
> 
> "Commander," Geordi broke in quietly.
> 
> "Hold a moment, Worf.  What is it, LaForge?"
> 
> "I want to see her first."

Crow: I have something I want to... eh, *talk* to her about.

> 
> "I hardly think that would be appropriate."

Crow: Seeing as this is a *family* fanfic.

> 
> "Please, Commander.  All I ask for is a few minutes."
> 
> Riker hesitated, his eyes moving automatically to the 
> captain for confirmation or denial.  Beckett gave none.  

Tom: No surprise there.
Mike: Yeah. The day Sam took charge would be the day Dr. Forrester would
      let us down from here!

> Finally, the commander tapped the communicator again.  
> "Worf, belay that order for fifteen minutes, then proceed."

Mike: [Worf] All right, sir, but what order?

> 
> "Affirmative, Commander."
> 
> "All right, Geordi," Riker said.  "You've got fifteen minutes."

Tom: Your goal: world peace, an end to hunger, and universal harmony. 15
     minutes.

>
> "Thank you, Commander."
>
>     ****

Mike: Fifteen minutes later...

>
> "Picard and Ziggy both think you're on to something."
> Al had left the imaging chamber when Sam had outlined his
> plan for setting the _Enterprise_ back on the right timeline, 

Tom: ...so he was badly misinformed.

>                                                               and
> popped back in just as Geordi walked out the door.
> "But Ziggy says you're going to need a good bit more 
> power, and somebody will have to do some reprogramming to pull it off.  

Crow: Gee, this computer's telling them what to do.

> And whatever programming was changed will have to be changed 
> back to keep from interfering with our future.  Or past.  Or whatever."
> 
> "Well, I'm assuming Data can handle that?" Sam put in.  
> Al looked at the empty spot where Sam knew Picard was standing and nodded.
> 

Tom: All of a sudden came a "wail of claxons"!

> "Picard says yes."
> 
> "But how do we get him there?"
> 
> "We beam him down," said Riker.  

Crow: Duh.

>                                  "We pin down the exact 
> coordinates of the source of this anomaly.  

Mike: Well, according to the computer, the *exact* coordinates are "the
      vicinity of Blue Rock, New Mexico". Is that good enough for you?

> >From there, he can determine if it is, indeed, Ziggy, 
> interface with it, and do whatever has to be done."

Crow: *Whatever* has to be done.
Mike: Please!

> 
> "Him," Sam said.

All: "It's"!

> 
> "What?"
> 
> "Interface with 'him.'  Not 'it.'  Ziggy is a 'him.'"

Mike: [Sam] And Deanna is a 'she' and Giordi and Jean-Luc are 'he's! Aren't
      you proud of me?

> 
> Riker was dumbfounded.  "It's a computer."

All: [Sam] *HE'S* a computer!

> 
> "So is Data, and you call it him."
> 
> "Data is an android.  I hardly think . . ."

Tom: ...that this conversation is getting the story *anywhere*.

> 
> "Riker, LaForge."  Geordi's voice came tight and broken.  

Mike: Quick, already! Get the man some laxative!

> "I think you'd better come down here."
> 
> "Where are you, Geordi?"

Tom: [Geordi] Fumbling through the intestinal tract...
Mike: That's "Giardia", not "Geordi", Tom.

> 
> "Ensign Lara's quarters."
> 
> The look Riker gave Troi did not make Sam optimistic 
> about what they were going to find there.

Tom: So, it was a bad look?

>                                            The commander 
> started for the door, indicating with a jerk of his head 

Crow: ...that he was suddenly having a seizure!

> that the others should follow.  "We're on our way."

All: We're on our way!

> 
>     ****
> 
> She had, at least, done it cleanly.  

Mike: Her quarters were *spotless!*

>                                      Sam did not know what 
> else to think as he stood there, useless, watching Beverly 
> Crusher run a scanner over the body.  

Crow: She wanted a picture of it for her friends.

>                                       The dead woman was 
> beautiful, with deep red hair and very pale skin.  

Tom: Pale? Probably because she's dead.

> Her eyes had been closed when they came in, but somehow
> Sam was sure they must be green.  She lay on a couch on her
> back, her arms crossed over her chest.

Mike: Oh, she died of the "Macarena".

>                                         She wore a red dress.
> The room smelled of roses, but there were no flowers to be seen.
> 
> "It was poison," Dr. Crusher announced.  

Crow: [Beverly] I know; I prescribed it to her... oops.

> "A highly potent strain often used by Romulans.  
> My guess is it was taken voluntarily."
> 
> Geordi had moved away from the rest of them, standing by the
> wall with his back turned.  From the edge of his vision,
> Sam saw Deanna move to touch him, saw Geordi jerk away from
> her touch as if afraid hr hand would burn him.

Tom: [Geordi] Ouch! I *know* you forced her... [sniff] to take the poison,
     Deanna!

>                                                 Deanna retreated.
> Her eyes were brimming, and Sam knew the pain was not her own.
> 

Crow: So, if Lara drank poison, does that mean that Geordi stabs himself now?
Mike: No, if Lara stabbed herself, then Geordi would drink the poison.
Tom: You're both wrong, you Shakespeare illiterates! *First* Geordi would
     drink the poison, then Lara would stab herself!

> His own throat tightening painfully, Sam turned away.  
> Eyes brushed over him, he could feel them, looking and turning away.  

Mike: Gotta watch those floating space eyes. They'll brush all over you.

> Beverly's scrutiny was particularly intense.  
> Captain or no, he wore the captain's face, and habit made 
> them look to him for guidance.
> 
> "I don't understand what's going on here," 
> Riker mumbled, partly to Sam, partly to himself.  

All: *Neither do we!*

> "She was a Starfleet officer.  Tested, scanned and verified.  
> How could this happen?"
> 

Mike: Well, she got really depressed, and killed herself.

> Sam shrugged.  "I don't know.  I . . ."
> 
> "Hey, Sam.  What's this?"  Al had been nosing through the room,
> peering at and putting his fingers through things.
> Now he was pointing to the computer terminal, which was on.
> A single word flashed blue on the screen: "Geordi."

Tom: [computer] You've got mail!

>
> "Commander LaForge," Sam said gently.  "There's something here for you."
> 
> Geordi started at him for a moment, 
> as if he could not remember who he was talking to.
> 
> "What is it?" he mumbled.
> 
> "I don't know.  Maybe an answer."

Crow: Well, that makes *one*...
Mike: Ah. If one of *those* is lying around, we can't afford to leave it...

> 
> Geordi's approach was hesitant.  

Tom: But his lob was superb!

>                                  Sam imagined he was wondering 
> if he would be within his rights to ask the others to leave.  

Crow: He "imagined he was wondering"?
Mike: Well, he's the Captain. He can imagine wondering.

> In the end he said nothing, but went to the terminal and 
> touched the keypad.  Sam admired him for it.  
> They all had a right to know what had happened, 

Tom: After all this, I think *we* have a right to know what happened!

> but that would have been easy for Geordi to ignore, 
> and his selfishness would have been easy to forgive, 
> under the circumstances.
> 
> Ensign Lara's face appeared on the screen, beautiful and alive, 
> but very pale.  Her eyes were, indeed, green.  
> Her voice bore a trace of accent, one Sam did not recognize.

Mike: So, she had an unrecognizable accent?
Tom: That makes it a lot easier for me to picture this scene...

> 
> "Geordi . . ." she started.  The word trembled and broke off.

Crow: Ouch.
Tom: [starts making smarmy, melodramatic violin music]

> She looked down, hardened her mouth, looked back up again.
> "I don't know what to say to you.  

Mike: [Lara] But I'm sending you mail, anyway.

>                                    I'm sorry I hurt you, but
> I couldn't go on, knowing what I had to do.
> I won't kill you like they said I must, not any of you.  

Tom: [Lara] Even though it *would* be fun... [giggle]

> You can make a life here -- I can't take that from you.  
> You can never go back.  I did make certain of that, 
> so they will never know I didn't carry out all of their orders."  

Mike: [Lara] They wanted chili-cheese fries! Can you *believe* that?

> She paused, blinking back the tears that were trying to come.  
> "Look at my records, Geordi.  

Tom: [Lara] I've got three Barry Manilow LPs and four Elton Johns. *Now* 
     can you imagine the hurt inside of me?

>                               Two years ago I disappeared 
> during a furlough.  I came back and passed all the tests, 
> but that was because the Romulans made sure I would.  
> They have my daughter, Geordi.  They took her from me.  

Crow: [Lara] Of course, I *gave* her to them...

> I'll never see her again but at least they'll let her go.
> This was the condition.  I'm sorry, Geordi.

Mike: [Lara] I must go now. The meter's running.

> I shouldn't have told you any of this but I thought
> I owed you an explanation.  I do care about you."

Tom: [Lara] In this crazy world, the troubles of two people ain't worth a
     hill of beans...

> She stopped.  Her lips were trembling.  "Goodbye, Geordi."
> 

Crow: [Lara] Farewell! Au revoir! Auf Weidersehen!

> The image in the screen reached forward and the screen went black.

Tom: As did the audience's hopes for a quick end.

> 
> "So that was it," Geordi murmured.  "She sacrificed us to the 
> Romulans in exchange for her child.  And she used me to do it."

Crow: Yep, it sure looks like it. *Now could we please get on with the
      story?*

> 
> The silence in the room was deep and painful.  
> Beverly opened her mouth to speak, but closed it again.  
> Finally Sam laid a hand on Geordi's shoulder.

Mike: [Sam] Here, maybe this hand will make you feel better. I found it on
      the floor.

> 
> "We'll get out of this, Geordi," he said.  
> "We know something the Romulans don't."

Mike: Solid plotting?
Tom: Nope.
Mike: Fascinating characterization?
Tom: Uh-uh.
Mike: Um... gripping action sequences?
Tom: N-O.
Mike: So, what do we know?
Tom: Uh... I'm not sure.

> 
> Geordi met his gaze and nodded.  Something in his face had 
> hardened into determination.

Mike: Plaster of Paris does that every time.

> 
> Behind them, the door slid open, and Worf and two 
> security guards stepped into the room.

Tom: [Worf] You're all under arrest for excessive melodrama!

> 
> "What's happened?" Worf demanded.

Crow: Awww, do we *have* to explain the plot to another character now?
Mike: Calm down, Crow.
Crow: I'm not gonna make it! I'm not gonna make it!

> 
> "You can return to your stations," Riker informed him.  
> "I'm afraid you're not needed here anymore."
>
> The Klingon hesitated, looking as if he wanted to press
> on with more questions.  

Tom: Yes, it's "Meet the Press", with today's special guest, Lieutenant Worf!

>                          Riker raised his eyebrows and nodded toward the
> door.  Worf gave a decisive nod and departed.
> 

Crow: People like to nod in this fanfic.
Mike: There's more nodding going on here than in "Bring Me the Head of
      Alfredo Garcia".

> "Let's go," Sam said to the others.  "I think Geordi needs a little time."

Tom: I should think so! I mean, his best girl just killed herself...

> 
> "I'll stay with him," said Al,  "make sure he's okay."

Mike: [Sam] Er... but Geordi can't see you, Al.
Crow: That's weird, if you ask me.

> 
> Sam nodded.  The group left the room as quietly as possible.  
> Outside, Riker turned to Beverly.
> 
> "Dr. Crusher, I'd like a full autopsy report and a copy of 
> Lara's personal files to deliver to Starfleet when we get back."

Crow: 'Cause I'm *such* a snoop!

> He looked at Sam.  "I'm gong to get together with Data 
> and be sure both of us are briefed.  

Tom: There's an underwear sale at K-Mart.

>                                      Counsellor, Captain, 
> I recommend we meet again in thirty minutes to finalize a plan of action."

All: Whew!

> 
> "Agreed," said Sam.

Mike: Time to go, guys.
Crow: YES! Thank you, Mike!
Mike: Hey, don't mention it.

[Mike and the 'bots leave the theater.]