Eclectic Lunchbox of Delights

--------------------- begin transmission -------------------------------

"Leaptrek" MiSTified

By Chris Street.

Part 4


---------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Continued from part 3)

[SoL]

Mike: Hello, folks! Today, on "Morphine Theatre", we'll perform a scene
      from Katriena Knight's comatose classic, "Leaptrek". Crow T. Robot
      will be portraying the noble Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the Starship
      Enterprise...
Crow: Thank you.
Mike: ...Tom Servo will be the holo-person Al...
Tom: Ha-cha-cha!
Mike: ...I will fill the role of Dr. Sam Beckett, and Gypsy will play the
      empath Deanna Troi.
Gypsy: Hi!

(Mike and the 'bots get in a line, from left to right: Crow, Tom, Mike, and
Gypsy.)

Gypsy: So, you say you are *really* Sam Beckett?
Mike: Yes.
Gypsy: And are you in touch with the real Captain Picard?
Mike: I'll ask Al... [to Tom] Al, are we in touch with Captain Picard?

[Gypsy shakes her head in disbelief.]

Tom: [to Crow] Picard? Are you... oh, there you are. [to Mike] Yeah, Picard's
     here.
Mike: [to Gypsy] Al says that Picard is here.
Gypsy: Why can't I see him?
Mike: He's not *here* here, oh... never mind.
Gypsy: Can you prove that you're not faking?
Mike: [To Tom] Al, ask Picard something only he would know.
Tom: [To Crow] Picard, say something to let Deanna know we're not faking.
Crow: All right... Deanna, remember when we were on Excabar IV?
Tom: [To Mike] He wants to know if Deanna remembers what the extra bar's for.
Mike: [to Gypsy] He wants to know what the extra bar's for.
Gypsy: Huh?
Mike: [To Tom] She doesn't know.
Tom: [To Crow] She doesn't know.
Crow: What do you mean, she doesn't know? Doesn't she remember Baba Yar and
      the Elkings? What about the grand citadels of Akkbar III?
Tom: [To Mike] He wants to know if she remembers Barber Year and the Inklings
     and the grand sissy smells of Yak bar tree.
Mike: [To Gypsy] Picard wants to know if you remember carver fear and the
      Inklings and the grand city bells of yak industry.
Gypsy: [losing patience] What?
Mike: [To Tom] Come on, help me out, guys.
Tom: [To Crow] Picard, try something else.
Crow: I get the feeling that Deanna doesn't believe us.
Tom: [To Mike] Picard thinks that Deanna thinks that you're a fake.
Mike: [To Gypsy] I think that Al thinks that Picard thinks that you think I'm
      a fake.
Gypsy: [murmurs to herself]
Mike: [To Tom] I think she's annoyed.
Tom: [To Crow] I think Sam thinks Deanna's annoyed.
Crow: I *know* I'm annoyed!
Tom: [To Mike] Picard *knows* that he's annoyed!
Mike: [To Gypsy] Al says that Picard is annoyed.
Gypsy: That's the first thing you've said that I believe...

[Fanfic sign.]

Crow: [To Tom] Tell Sam that we've got fanfic sign.
Tom: [To Mike] We've got fanfic sign.
Mike: [To Gypsy] We've got fanfic sign.
All: *We've got fanfic sign?!*

[Hysteria. Mike, Servo, and Crow head for the theater.]

[6...5...4...3...2...1]

[Mike and the 'bots resume their seats in the theater.]

> 
> 
> LEAPTREK
> 
> by Katriena Knights
> 
> Part IV
> 
> Since he had nothing else to do,

Mike: ...since the story was going nowhere...

>                                  Sam went straight to the conference room.
> He was trying to manage his way into the computer through the 
> terminal on the table when Al popped in.

Tom: He was trying to crawl inside the computer, through the terminal?
Crow: I had no idea Sam was that skinny!

>
> "Better be careful there, Sam," Al told him.  
> "There's probably a hell of a lot of stuff 
> in there that you don't want to know."
> 
> "That's not the half of it.  Think about all the 
> things that have happened.  I mean, we've gone into
> space, we've established relations with alien life
> forms . . .

Crow: [Sam] We've boldly gone where no plot contortions have gone before...

>             it's mind-boggling.  And I don't dare look
> at any of it, for fear that, if I know, something I do may cause it
> never to happen."

Tom: But if something you do causes it *not* to happen, then you couldn't
     prevent it from happening, because it never happened!
Mike: ...And if it never happened, then you couldn't have stopped it from
      happening...
Crow: ...so it would have happened!

> 
> "Well, Sam, so far you haven't been able to alter any
> major historical events."
> 

Mike: Of course, if Sam did alter any major historical events, we wouldn't
      know, because either they haven't happened yet and so we wouldn't know
      about them, or our memories would be altered to conform to the new
      reality...

> "Even so."  He paused, mulling.  The temptation was enormous,
> especially since he knew there had been advances in time travel.

All: [gasp]
Tom: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Mike: Does it have to do with Lara?
Tom: Yeah...
Mike and Crow: Yes, we're thinking what you're thinking.

> Finally he forced himself to turn away from the terminal
> and said,  "How's Geordi?"
> 

Crow: [Al] Oh, that's clearing up. Thank you for asking.

> "He'll be all right.  That's one tough kid."
> 
> "That's about how I had him figured . . ."  
> He broke off, stabbing the return key in frustration.  

Tom: In a violent mood, are we?

> "I can't figure this damn thing out."
> 
> "Why don't you just . . . talk to it."

Mike: Computer interfacing... of the future!

>
> Al had a particularly annoying manner when pointing out the obvious.  
> Sam gave him a tight look.  
> "Computer, I'd like to access data in the archives on quantum 
> string theory and application."
> 
> "One moment, please."

Crow: [computer] ...you weirdo.

>
> Al looked impressed.  "She's much more polite than Ziggy."
> 
> "But not nearly as entertaining."

Crow: I don't even wanna know what he meant by that.

>
> The pleasant, feminine voice spoke again.  

Tom: [computer] Here are your documents, master.

> "There are 35 documents currently in the archives regarding
> quantum string theory.

Mike: Quantum string theory? Isn't that how yarn operates at sub-nuclear
      levels?

>                         Please specify by date or by author."
> 
> "Author, Beckett, Samuel.  Date, before . .. 1999."
>
> Another pause.  "Five documents fit this description.  
> Please consult your terminal."
> 
> Sam glanced down.  A listing of five titles had appeared.  
> The first three involved theory, the last two

Tom: ...involved Pizza Pockets!

>                                               implementation.
> The second of the implementation papers related directly
> to the construction of Ziggy, the imaging chamber and the accelerator ring.

Mike: ...forged by Sauron in the Mines of Moria in the First Age of
      Middle-Earth...

> He chose that one.
>
> It was a long paper,

Tom: ...and I will thoughtfully go over every painful detail with you.

>                      but Sam only needed bits and pieces of the
> information in it.  It galled him that he couldn't 
> remember most of what he knew he had written.

Crow: Seems like the author displays that problem all the time...

>
> "What do you think, Sam?" Al asked after a time.

Mike: [Sam] Diet Pepsi really *does* taste like regular Pepsi!

>
> "I think we can make this work."

Tom: This time, for sure!

>                                   He tapped thoughtfully on the table.
> "What does Ziggy say about the folding theory?"
> 
> "He says it's not likely."

Tom: Ziggy is brutally honest.

>
> "Okay.  Then we'll have to . . ." He broke off.  

All: Ouch, that's gotta hurt!

> The door to the conference room had slid open.
> Deanna Troi stood just inside it, hesitant.
>
> "May I come in?" she asked.
> 
> "Please do."

Crow: Yeah, we need to get moving or this story'll *never* end!

>
> "Oh, Sam . . ."  Al, of course, had to put in his two cents worth.  
> "I think she wants to get to know you a little better."

All: [singing] Getting to know you, getting to know all about you...

>
> Deanna looked perplexed.  "Did Al just say something rude again?"
> 

Mike: Now, that's an unnecessary question...
Tom: Just take it for granted, Deanna. Al *will* say something rude.

> Sam laughed.  "How could you tell?"
> 
> "You were annoyed again."  She paused, 
> involuntarily looking around the room.

Crow: She looked at the room against her will?

>                                         "What did he say?"

Tom: "Ruffles have ridges."

>
> "Nothing you want to hear, believe me."  He looked at Al,
> who was shaking his head.  "My friend Al is . . . intensely
> appreciative of the opposite sex."

Mike: Meaning, politely, that he's a leach.

>
> "Oh, I see.  And you're not?"
> 
> "Well, I mean, I'm, well . . . appreciative, I just . .. 
> I wouldn't word things quite the way he does."

Tom: [Sam] *I* have half an ounce of tact.

>
> "No, you wouldn't word them at all," Al countered.
> 
> Sam ignored him.  Deanna smiled.  "I see.  So you're a gentleman."
> 
> "I try to be."
> 
> Al snorted.  "Gentleman.  You're a prude, that's what you are, 
> you're just like a little old lady."

Crow: [Al] Except that little old ladies...
Mike: [clamps Crow's beak]
Tom: Thank you, Mike.

>                                       He poked at the handlink
> and the Imaging Chamber opened behind him.  "I'm outta here.
> I can't stand to watch you

Mike: ...embarrass yourself in this fanfic.

> miss these opportunities.  It makes me want to cry."

Tom: Boo-hoo!

>
> The door closed before Sam could reply.
> He turned away, face in his hands, then looked apologetically at Deanna.

Mike: After putting his face back on his head, of course.

> Her smile was partly perplexed, partly amazed.  She shook her head.
> 
> "I've seen some very strange things in my time," she said, 
> "but this is definitely among the strangest.  

Mike: [Deanna] A crossover fanfic with Star Trek and Quantum Leap? Come on!

> You look like the captain, you sound like the captain,

Tom: [Deanna] ...you even smell like the Captain!

> but you act and react in a totally different manner."

Tom: Yeah, action results in an unequal, unopposite reaction!
Mike: An unrealistic one, at least.

>
> "Well, now that the secret's out,

Tom: The secret of fat-free Fig Newtons!
Mike: The Secret World of Alex Mack!
Tom: The Secret Life of Walter Mitty!
Mike: The Secret Garden!
Tom: The Secret of NIMH!
Mike: The Secret of My Success!
Tom: The Secret of Dorian Grey!
Mike: Secret! It's strong enough for a man, but pH balanced for a woman!
Crow: MM-MMPH!

>                                   I must admit I'm not trying very hard."
> 
> "You say that you've . . . been in the lives of many people, 
> that you've helped them change situations in their lives.  Why do you do it?"

Tom: Why ask why?

>
> "I have to.  I keep hoping that the next time I leap 
> I'll find myself back where I belong."  He paused, shrugging.  
> "I'm just trying to get home."

Mike: [Deanna] Just click your heels together three times, and...

>
> But Deanna was shaking her head.  Sam found his eyes 
> drawn to the movement of her dark ringlets against her skin, 
> then to the remarkable darkness of her eyes.  "No," she said.  
> "There's more to it than that.  You were hurting for Geordi --
> almost as much as I was."

Mike: [to Crow] Crow, will you be a good boy?
Crow: Um-hmmm...
Mike: [releases Crow's beak]

>
> "Why is that remarkable?  The man was in pain."

Crow: After a shot of this fanfic, can you blame him?

>
> Deanna shook her head, frustrated at her inability to say 
> what she wanted to say.

Tom: [Deanna] The sixth sheik's sheep sacks... no, the sicks sheeks... no,
     the sap's sheek shook, no... I just can't say it!

>                          "Yes, and the rest of them -- Will,
> Beverly -- they all felt for him, they all sympathized --

Mike: On Moog synthesizers.

> but it was pity.  With you -- it was as if it was all happening to
> you as well as to Geordi.  So many people have that ability
> and have blocked themselves off from it.  You haven't.

Tom: [Deanna] Now, you must die...

> In fact, it seems that you have nurtured it."  She stopped again.
> "Reading you is almost like reading another empath,
> except you can't sense me."
>
> Sam was bewildered.  "Why are you telling me this?"

Crow: Uh, it's called "padding", Sam...

>
> "Because I thought it might be an answer.
> I thought it might explain why all this has happened to you.
> You said you sometimes feel like you were chosen, but
> you don't know how, or by whom, or why.

Mike: Who, what, where, when, why, how, tonight on "Nick News"!
Crow: ...with Linda Ellerbee.

> It just seemed to me that this might be the answer to the why.
> Because you have an uncanny ability to identify with other
> people's feelings."
>

Mike: Yeah, well, he's not sympathizing with his audience right now!
Tom: Yeah, Sam!
Crow: You don't know the pain you've caused me, Sam!

> Sam nodded.  "I see.

Tom: [Sam] ...tastes better than Kool-Aid!

>                       Thank you."
>
> Some of the intensity had left the counsellor's eyes.
> "If this works, you may have saved our lives.

All: If *what* works?!
Crow: Great, the fanfic is keeping us in the dark again!

> I thought I owed you that much."
> 
> At a loss for words, Sam turned his gaze again to the terminal.
> From the tops of his vision

Tom: "Tops" o'the world, Ma!

>                             he say Deanna shift again,
> gathering herself for something else.

Mike: Ugh, that sentence was a syntaxer's nightmare.

>
> "Dr. Beckett . . ." she started.
>
> "Sam," he broke in.  "Just call me Sam."

Tom: Sam I am; my name is Sam. How I love green eggs and ham!

>
> "It's difficult enough for me to remember not to call you Captain Picard."
> 
> "Or _when_ not to call me Captain Picard."
> 
> She laughed.  Her smile was captivating.  

Crow: He's been taken prisoner by her smile! Quick, call Security!

> Suddenly Sam was very glad Al had left.
> "What do you really look like?"  she said.
>
> It was not what he had expected her to ask.  

Tom: *Nobody* expects the Spanish Inquisition!
Mike: He *had* expected another night under the grilling lights...

> He sobered,

Mike: It's about time!

>             realizing how long it had been since his own
> face had looked back at him from a mirror.  
> The picture of it was becoming dim even to him.

Crow: Hey, he can't even remember his name! What'd you expect?

>
> "Computer," he said.  "Do you have a visual on Samuel 
> Beckett?  Before 1999."

Tom: Beyond 2000!
Crow: ...on the Sci-Fi Channel!

>
> "One moment, please."
> 
> A pause, and then a newspaper photo appeared on the viewscreen.  

Mike: [Deanna] What's this? "MIT Student Runs Amok At Stag Party"?

> The caption under the photo said, "MIT Grad Wins Nobel Prize."
> 
> "Well, there you go," he said.  He studied the face, himself,
> taking the chance to refresh his own memory.
> he didn't want to forget that face in the swamp of
> other faces he kept seeing in all the different mirrors he encountered.

Mike: [very darkly] Even the mirrors mocked Sam.

>
> "It's not what I expected," Deanna said.  
> She was smiling.  Smiling warmly, even.  

Crow: So warmly, in fact, that Sam snuggled close to bask in the fireplace-
      like glow of her cozy, warm smile.

>
> "Why?  What did you expect?"

Tom: [Deanna] I don't know... perhaps wearing a mask and a sequined glove?

>
> "I don't know.  Something a little more . . . scholarly, I guess."
> 
> "You mean a geeky looking guy with greasy hair, 
> thick glasses and a pocket protector?"
>
> "Um, well, I suppose for your time period, a man with seven
> doctoral degrees would have been expected to look like that."

Mike: Yeah, because we all know there's really a lot to that geek
        stereotype.

> She tilted her head a little.  "You know, I can see you a little.
> I mean, I can still see Picard, but now . . . "  She shook her head.  
> "It's fading in and out."  She hesitated again, her scrutiny again intense.  
> "It must be very hard for you, living this way."
> 
> Sam was beginning to feel very warm.  "It'll be over someday."

Tom: There's so much warmth around here! Doesn't it make you feel snuggly
     all over, guys?
Mike and Crow: *No.*

>
> "Is there anyone you left behind?  Anyone waiting for you?"
> 
> "Well, there's Al, and Gooshie,

Crow: And Chewbacca, and R2-D2, and...

>                                 and Tina, and
> Dr. Beeks,

Crow: ...and Scooter and Skeeter, and Dr. Teeth, and...

>            and the rest of the staff."
>
> "No, I mean someone special.  Someone you care for."
>
> "I don't remember."
>
> Deanna leaned forward and laid a hand on his.  

Tom: Hey, here's a hand! Doesn't that make you feel better?

> "You're a very special person, Sam.  Don't ever forget that."
>

Mike: Now, sing along with me: I love you, you love me; we're a happy...
The Bots: Arrrgh!

> "Thank you," he mumbled.  Her hand was warm and soft.

Tom: *Everything* is warm!
Mike: And soft.
Tom: Well, yeah.

> For a moment he wondered what might have happened if he had not
> worn the captain's face,>                          or if she had been able to see through it
> completely.  Then the door slid open and Will Riker entered the room,

Mike: Accompanied by Little John and Friar Tuck.

> Data and Geordi close behind him.
>
> "Who's that?"  Riker asked, indicating the screen.

Tom: Why, that's the screen!

> 
> "That's me," said Sam.  Deanna had not moved her 
> hand and he was suddenly very self-conscious,

Crow: [Sam] Have I got a booger on my nose?

>                                               afraid, 
> for some reason, that Riker would see and misinterpret.  

Mike: Yeah, "MIT Grad Wins Nobel Prize" might give Riker the wrong idea.

> Deanna obviously felt his discomfort, for she looked at
> him with a mischievous smile, patted his hand and let it go.

Tom: [Deanna] It's all right, Sam. It's our little secret.

> 
> "That's you?" Riker said.
> 
> "Yes," said Deanna.

Tom: [Sam] No, that's *me*!

>                      "I wanted to know what he really looked like."
> 
> Data's attention was jerking from the screen to Sam and back again.  
> "I take this to mean that you do not always have the appearance of 
> Captain Picard."
> 

Mike: Whoa, brilliant observation, Einstein.

> "No, I don't."  Obviously Data, too, had been informed of Sam's
> trespass into their Captain's existence.  Which was probably
> for the best.

Tom: Possibly, but it doesn't seem to be advancing the plot any.

>
> Data hesitated, considering,

Crow: ...dreaming of what life would be like outside this fanfic...

>                              then looked at Sam again, head tilted.
> "I do not recall any provision for this phenomenon in the materials 
> I read concerning your string theory of time travel."

Tom: [Data] Of course, I only read the "Cliff Notes"...

>
> "That's because there was none.  Computer, discontinue image."

Mike: Immediately all went black, and Star Trek forever faded into memory...

>
> The screen went black.  Data stepped to the table and took a seat.
> "I have reviewed all of the available information on your
> theory of time travel and how it was implemented,"

Crow: [Data] It was good for a few laughs.

>                                                    he said.
> "Your work was really quite brilliant for the time in which it was done."
> 
> "Thank you."

Tom: [Ace Ventura] Spank you very much.
Mike: One more "Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls" reference, and you're headed
      for disassembly, Gumball Head.

>
> "In fact, I find it fascinating that, given the advanced 
> nature of our current knowledge, no one has as of yet 
> formally assimilated your work into current theory.  
> It seems to me that your hypotheses would parallel the work of . . ."

Mike: You know, it's funny how Data and his contemporaries feel so smirk and
      superior to Sam, but in 400 more years, Data's knowledge will probably
      be antiquated as well.
Tom: Yeah, it's sad that way.

>
> "Data," Riker broke in.  "Can we please stick to the subject at hand?"

All: *Please!*
Mike: Ugh, the plot's running slower than corn syrup!
Crow: But it's not half as sweet...

>
> "He's worse than Ziggy."  Al's mumble came from behind 
> Sam's left shoulder.  Sam glanced back, acknowledging, but
> Al's attention was already elsewhere.  "Oh, really?
> Well, if your technology is so advanced,
> how come you haven't figured out some way to keep your hair?"

Crow: [Picard] Oh, I've kept *all* of my hair. I keep it in a drawer in my
      office.

>
> Riker's interruption had not fazed Data in the slightest.  
> "Of course, Commander.  I have evaluated the structure and 

Tom: [Data] ...the plot's highly unstable. It would be best to evacuate
     the fanfic at once.

> energy requirements of the radium accelerator ring and I
> believe that, with Geordi's help,

Mike: [Data] ...crop futures will go up 20% in the next fiscal year.

>                                   we can create a supplemental
> energy source which will enable the accelerator to place us
> back along our original timeline.  I should also be able to interface with 
> Ziggy

Crow: [Data] ...and negotiate peace terms for the Middle East.

>       to make appropriate programming changes, which I will
> place in a directory which will erase itself after the transfer is complete."

Mike: Sometimes I get the feeling that's where all of my programming changes
      go.

>
> "You're absolutely certain you can do this without damaging Ziggy?"
> Sam was beginning to feel like they were proposing brain
> surgery on his own child, and the feeling made him nervous.
> "I mean, we're playing around in my past, here.

Tom: Or your present. It all depends on how you look at it.

> I don't want to . . .program myself out of existence or something."
> 
> Riker laughed tensely.  "Of course, there's always the possibility that our 
> modifications are what made your project work in the first place."

Crow: Yeah, and there's also the possibility that your modifications will
      cause a vanilla pudding avalanche, but who really cares?

>
> "I do _not_ want to hear that," Sam said emphatically.  
> "I'd like to think the work I put my whole life into had some merit."

Mike: [Sam] I'll live in my own fantasy world, thank you very much.

>
> Riker was taken aback.  Data stepped into the commander's lack of words.

Tom: ...and immediately fell down the vast chasm to his doom.

>
> "I do not believe Commander Riker intended any slight to your 
> accomplishments, Dr. Beckett.

Crow: [Data] I believe he meant to utterly discount them as worthless.

>                                I believe his comment was an attempt at
> humor, intended to make our situation seem less serious.  

Mike: Ah. The author is telling us we were supposed to laugh at that.
All: [forced laughter]

> In fact, according to my analysis,

Crow: [Data] This fanfic *sucks!*

>                                    your theories and their
> implementation should be functional without any interference on our part."
> 
> "Which is why we want to be sure nothing we do will change 
> Ziggy as he currently exists."  This was Geordi's first 
> contribution to the conversation.

Tom: [very darkly] ...and also his last...

>                                    "I have devised a way to
> increase the power flow to your radium accelerator ring by a
> pproximately 600%."

Mike: Of course, that has nothing to do with anything, but it'll sure make
      microwaving pizza easier!

>
> "So she did leave us with enough raw 
> materials to work our way out of this," Riker commented.

Crow: You mean Lara?...
Tom: I *think* so...

>
> "Simply because the Romulans did not anticipate the interference of 
> Dr. Beckett," Data clarified.

Tom: Thank you for clarifying. I was a little puzzled on that.

>                                "I have analyzed the anomalous
> readings we encountered just before coming out of warp drive.  

Mike: [Data] I am of the opinion that going through the time-warp was a
      very bad idea.

> These appear to have been generated by a field similar to that created by
> Project Quantum Leap, but skewed to increase the length of the 
> timeline affected.

Crow: And, from the looks of it, skewed to increase the length of the
      resulting fanfic.

>                     The power source was not a radium ring, but
> rather a source much like that employed by a Romulan cloaking device.  
> Apparently, the Romulans assumed that, because of the antiquity
> of the theory they were making use of,

Mike: ...or the antiquity of the plot ploys *we* were making use of...

>                                        we would be unable to
> determine what had occurred,

Mike: Well, *we* weren't able to determine what had occurred!

>                              and would not be able to return to our own time."
> 
> "And the anomalous readings here?" Riker said.

Crow: They're due to a few stow-aways who happen to be literate.

>
> "Are created by a radium accelerator ring in Blue Rock, New Mexico."
> 
> Riker turned to Sam.  "Do we have contact with Captain Picard?  
> What is his opinion of this course of action?"

Tom: [Al] He says, anything that'll end this fanfic is A-OK with him.

>
> Al removed his cigar from his mouth

Mike: Relish this moment, guys, it's the only time it's ever gonna happen.

>                                     and blew a languid ring of smoke.
> "He wishes you'd all quit yapping and _do_ something."

All: SO DO WE!

>
> "He approves," Sam relayed.
> 
> "All right.  Data, can you do this all yourself?"
> 
> "Yes, Commander."

Tom: I don't need no stinking help!

>
> "Then you beam down and get the job done.

Crow: [gangster] Now I want it done *cleanly*, y'see?

> I don't want anyone to see you, and I don't want anything left
> behind that could cause any problems."
> 
> "Affirmative, Commander."

Mike: [Data] I hear, and I obey!

>
> "Beckett, you check over Geordi's work

Tom: ...with this big red pen...

>                                        and make sure there
> won't be any interface problems with your computer.
> Data, you triple check it.  Beckett, be sure Data has any and all
> security codes to get in and out of your building."

Crow: [King Rolan] The password is 1-2-3-4-5.

>                                                      Riker stood,
> decisive, jerking his uniform tunic into place.

Tom: He's decisive. He's *determined* to keep that tunic down!

>                                                  "Now.
> Are we absolutely certain that when we make this jump back to our own time, 
> Captain Picard will be put back where he belongs?"
> 
> "Based on past experience, I would have to say yes," Sam replied.

Crow: [Sam] I *have* to say yes, 'cause past experience will beat me up if
      I don't!

>
> "Based on past experience," Riker mumbled.  "I'd like to be a 
> little more certain than that."

Mike: The plot being as contrived as it is, why don't you just try predicting
      the future?

>
> "Well, that's as certain as you're gonna get," Al put in.
> "Tell him to loosen up.  God, he's stiff even for a military man.

Crow: He likes his green beans quarantined!

> Just looking at him makes me uncomfortable.
> He looks like somebody stuck a broomstick up his . . ."
> 
> "I'm afraid I can't give you any certainties."  
> Sam spoke a little too loudly, trying to overpower 

Mike: ...the plot inconsistencies.

> Al even though no one else could hear him.
> "But I'm willing to take the risk."
> 
> "Well.  I guess we have no other choice.  You all have your orders.  
> Make it so."

Tom: ...I'm out of this fanfic forever!

>
>     ****
> 
> 
> There was nothing more infuriating than having to wait.  

All: TELL US ABOUT IT!

> Sam had grown used to leaping into a situation, evaluating it,
> taking immediate action, and leaping back out.

Tom: Yes, walking, running, or even skipping are not enough for Sam... he
     must leap!

>                                                 To have the entire leap --
> his fate as well as the fate of the ship and crew -- 
> on someone else's shoulders was driving him crazy.

Crow: Sam, the control freak.

>
> He was sitting in the command chair on the bridge 
> because he didn't know what else to do.

Tom: He doesn't know what to do, so he assumes a position of authority?

>                                          Commander
> Riker sat next to him, nervously running his hands up and down his thighs.  

Mike: [Riker] Captain, I think I'm getting frostbite up my thighs!

> Data had been gone for twenty minutes.

Crow: Plot coherency and semblance of reality had been gone for, oh...
      about two hours?

>                                         To avoid problems,
> he had been instructed to check in at twenty minute intervals.  
> They were waiting for the first check-in.
> 
> Deanna, seated to Sam's left, crossed her arms and settled back
> firmly into her chair.  Her lips were tight, closed up on her own unease.

Tom: Ah, the courageous crew of the Enterprise. In a trying situation, they
     cross their arms, purse their lips, and caress their thighs.

> She passed a sidelong glance to Sam, then to Riker.
> Sam gave her a small smile.  Riker gave her nothing.

Crow: ...except a silent cry for help.
Mike: I'd have given her a stern talking-to.
Tom: *I'd* have given her a punch in the mouth.

>
> "Enterprise, this is Lt. Commander Data."
> 
> Riker didn't jump up out of his seat,

Mike: ...but he *did* wet his pants.

>                                       but his abrupt
> forward movement had the same effect.

Tom: ...as it was a forward movement, straight up.

>                                        He started to open his mouth, then
> closed it, looking at Sam.

Mike: He swallowed a fly.

>
> "Go ahead, Data," Sam said.
> 
> "I have completed the initial interface with the computer.  
> I must say, Ziggy is quite intriguing.  

Mike: I had *such* a nice talk with him over a cup of Irish Creme Mocha!

> It seems almost to have emotional response, and yet is enclosed
> in a machine-like structure which . . ."

Crow: ...shields it from creating any plot advances!

>
> "What's the status of the interface?" Sam broke in.  
> Not that he didn't enjoy listening to Data praise 
> Ziggy, but there was no time for it now.
> 

Tom: All of a sudden came "a wail of claxons"!
Mike: You really like that line, don't you?
Tom: Yeah.

> "The interface has so far been quite successful."  Data paused.
> "I think Ziggy likes me."
> 
> Riker hid a smile behind one hand.  

Tom: ...seeing as it would be inappropriate to display a vestige of emotion
     in this fanfic.

> "How about the additional power generators?  Any problems there?"
> 
> "I am beginning the connections now.  
> It appears that there will be no difficulties."

All: Famous last words.

>
> "Just don't forget the erasure programs," Sam added.
> 
> "I will not forget, Captain," Data answered.

Mike: [Data] I was once interfaced to an African elephant, on Foobar XIV.

>
> "Check in again in another twenty minutes," Riker finished.  
> "Enterprise out."

Tom: Boredom in.

>                    He turned to Sam, but his eyes only
> paused there a moment before going on to Troi.  "Well, so far, so good."
> 
> "I'm sure everything will be fine," Troi said.  
> She looked at Riker first, then settled on Sam.  

Crow: [Deanna] Hmmm. Riker? Sam? Riker? Sam? Sam. Decisions, decisions!

> Sam felt decidedly uncomfortable.

Mike: He'd never had anybody settle on him before.
Tom: I bet it tickles when people start building houses and stuff.

> He had a feeling the attention Troi was giving him did not
> endear him at all to Riker.  
> 
> Riker's suddenly sour look confirmed Sam's suspicions.  

Crow: Uh, Ms. Knights, we're too far into the story to introduce another
      sub-plot here.

> "Well, the sooner we get this over with, the better."
> 

All: *Amen!*

> Deanna grinned.  Sam relaxed a little, realizing
> Deanna was not expressing a genuine interest in him, 
> but was just trying to annoy Riker.  Apparently Riker 
> knew it, too, and was annoyed that it was working.

Mike: While the audience suspected that the author was trying to annoy them,
      and felt smug and decided to make *her* annoyed by not being annoyed,
      but then they suddenly felt a twinge of annoyance, and then became
      annoyed at *themselves* for feeling annoyed.
Tom: I'm feeling annoyed with a certain humanoid about now...
Crow: "Annoyance", ladies and gentlemen.

>
> "I think she likes you," Al commented.  
> He was standing just to Deanna's right, 
> and was not keeping his eyes forward.

All: Eyes forward!

>                                         "I know I like her."
> 
> "Trust me, Al, you would not be able to handle a 
> woman who can read your mind," Sam muttered.  

Crow: As it is, he can't handle a woman who *can't!*

> Al gave him a dirty look.  Deanna grinned,
> knowing who he was talking to, and Riker quirked an eyebrow.

Tom: "Quirked"?

>
> "Pardon me, Captain?"
> 
> "Never mind, Number One."

All: We Numbah One!

>
> "Captain."  Worf was fiddling with his control panel, 
> probably re-examining readings on the anomaly.  

Mike: Yeah, that's probably it.

> "Has it been sufficiently established that this anomaly
> is not a result of enemy interference?  
> I do not think it would be wise to discount that possibility."
> 

Tom: [Worf] It's currently going at $1.00. Putting it at 98 cents would not
     be wise.

> Sam straightened in his chair.

Mike: Well, I'm glad to know he didn't bunch up in his chair or anything.

>                                 "Well, Lieutenant,
> it has been proven beyond a doubt

Crow: ...that this fanfic sucks!

>                                   that the initial
> anomaly was indeed a result of enemy interference.  
> However, the version which exists in this time zone 

Tom: [Sam] ...the Mountain time zone...
Crow: [Sam] ...is a beta test version, and can't be trusted.

> is created by a particularly brilliant scientist who was
> experimenting with time travel, and has nothing 
> whatsoever to do with the Romulans."
> 
> "'A particularly brilliant scientist?'" Al repeated.
> "Don't lay it on too thick, there, Sam."

Mike: [Sam] Let me rephrase what I just said. The anomaly here was created
      by an incredible, god-like, brilliant super-genius, who had powers
      beyond the ability of mere mortals, and who was the center of the
      universe!

>
> "A scientist?" Worf said.  "Are we certain that he was 
> not planted in this time zone

All: ...the Mountain time zone...

>                               by the Romulans?"
> 
> Sam looked back over his shoulder at the Klingon.  
> His expression indicated that he was completely serious.  
> To Deanna, Sam mumbled, "Is he always this paranoid?"
> 
> "Yes,"  Deanna replied.  She turned to Worf.  

Mike: Gesundheit!

> "I have been in contact with the scientist, and he is quite
> willing to help.  I am certain he has no connection with the Romulans."
> 
> Worf nodded decisively.  "I will defer to your judgement then, Captain."

Tom: Since you *are* the Captain, after all.

>
> "Thank you, Mr. Worf."
> 
> "Captain Picard."  Data's voice, over the intercom.  

Crow: Speaking in. Sentence fragments.

> Sam was certain it had not yet been twenty minutes.
> 

Mike: Oh, yes it has.
Tom: No, it hasn't.
Mike: Yes it has.
Tom: Look, I'm not allowed to argue unless you *pay*!

> "Go ahead, Data."
> 
> "The power generators have been successfully connected, and 
> should provide enough additional strength to the time bubble
> to enable our movement forward in time without the additional
> impact of the return from warp speed.

Tom: So, the power generators work like glycerine?
Mike: Yeah, they make the bubble stronger.

> I have installed the erasure programs into Ziggy's main memory banks.

Crow: Unfortunately, I had to take out the main programs to make more room...
      was that wrong?

> As soon as the appropriate subroutine is completed, it will be erased."
>
> "Good," Riker said.  "Prepare to beam up."
> 

Tom: [Riker] Heh, heh... into the middle of nowhere!
Crow: Lost... In... Space!!!

> "Affirmative, Commander."
> 
> Riker turned to Sam.  "Well, this is it," he said in a low voice.  
> "How will we know if it worked?"

Mike: Uh... you'll go back to your own time?

>
> "If this runs true to form, I should know a split second before it happens.  

Crow: Uh, that's how *I'll* know. You'll know when...

> Then Picard will be back, and I'll be gone."
> 
> "Off to your next mission," Deanna said, a little wistfully.
> 

Tom: [Deanna] Heh, heh! Sam's unfortunate situation is *so* whistful!

> Sam shrugged.  "Or, if I'm lucky, back home."
>

Mike: [Deanna] Well, Sam, have you been eating your Lucky Charms?

> She smiled gently and closed a hand on his arm.  "I wish you luck."
>
> "Thank you."
> 
> "O'Brien, do we have Commander Data?"  Riker said to the air.

Tom: The air's name is O'Brien?
Crow: He, much to his dismay and bepuzzlement, did not recieve an answer
      *from* the air.

>
> "Affirmative, Commander."

Mike: Ah. The *air* said that line.
Tom: I guess so.

>
> "All right, then, we're ready."  He nodded to Sam.
> 
> "Ensign Ro,"

Tom: [Sam] ...dolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer!
Crow: [Sam] Are Ensign Delta and Ensign Gamma still up?

>              Sam said, "modify our orbital path so
> that our next sweep will take us directly through
> the bubble."

Mike: So what happens if the space telescope accidentally bumps into the
      "time bubble"?
Tom: Why, you get a "Hubble Bubble"!
Mike: And if that happens, what do you get at NASA?
Crow: "Hubble Bubble Trouble"!
Mike: ...And if it happens again?
Tom: "Double Hubble Bubble Trouble"!
Mike: And what do we call the big scoop that we use to get the telescope
      back?
Crow: Why, the "Hubble Bubble Shovel"!

>
> "Aye, Captain."
> 
> "Engage."

Mike: ...in fascinating discourse with each other?
Crow: In this fanfic?
Mike: Yeah, wishful thinking. I know.

>
> "You didn't stick your finger up in the air," Al said.
>

Tom: Well, it's a family fanfic. I don't think he can *do* that.

> "What?"  Sam was befuddled by this.

Mike: As is most of the audience.

>
> "Picard just said he always sticks his finger up in the air, like this."  
> Al demonstrated.

Crow: [Al] Especially when Geordi or Riker screws something up.

>
> "Go away," Sam said.
> 
> "No, I think I'll stick this one out.

Mike: Stick what out? The finger, or just stick out to see what happens?

>                                        I want to be sure you leap."

All: [mockingly leap up in their chairs]

>
> "Well, we'll know in a minute."  They had been roughly over
> the Ukraine when Sam had given the order.  Below them now
> the east coast of the United States was coming into view.

Crow: Well, not really coming into view... but the green cloud of smog gave
      it away.

>
> "Beautiful, isn't it, Sam?"  Al said.  "This reminds me
> of my astronaut days . . .

Tom: [Al] Or was that just one of my drug-induced fantasies?

>                            There's New Jersey.  I met my . .
> second, no, fifth . . . fifth? . . . fifth wife in
> Jersey City . . ."
>
> "I know, Al," Sam mumbled.  "You've told me this story before."
>
> "Oh.  Well.  I never know when you're going to forget it."

Crow: Like your middle name, or something... you know?

>
> "We're approaching the bubble, Captain," Ro announced.  Sam nodded.

All: Off to sleep!

> All eyes were on the viewscreen.

Mike: They just couldn't stand to miss "Peyton Place".

>                                   Silly, Sam thought,
> because they wouldn't be able to tell if they had made it
> or not just by looking out the window.
> 
> "Making contact with the bubble . . . now."

Tom: Pop!

>
> Sam felt it then, the indescribable little lurch in his 
> stomach that told him

Tom: ...what a terrible fanfic he was in.

>                       all was well, and this was over.

All: [cheer]

> He turned to Commander Riker and nodded . . .

All: Off to sleep!
Mike: SLEEEEEP!

>
>     ****
> 
> Captain Jean-Luc Picard straightened in his command chair.  

Crow: [Picard] Chee, what did Sam *do* to my body? It's all twisted and
      stuff!

> "Ensign Ro, where are we?"
>
> Ro consulted her station readouts.  "On a direct heading for 
> Earth, approaching high orbit."

Tom: We're gonna *crash*!

>                                  She paused.  "Star charts indicate we are
> about two hours after we left."

Mike: The time bubble?
Tom: No, the 24th century!

>
> There was a cheer on the bridge.  Picard sank back in his chair.  "Thank God."
> 
> "Are you all right, Captain?"  Riker asked.

Crow: Not yet, but in about two minutes, I'll be!

>
> "I think so.  But I'll be much happier when we are safely on Earth.  
> Lieutenant Worf, open a channel to Starfleet Command."

Mike: [Picard] We're going to have a lot of explaining to do for this
      fanfic.

>
> "Channel open, sir."
> 
> As the captain related the occurrences of the last 
> several hours to Starfleet,

All: Arrrrrgh!
Mike: They'd better spare us the details this time...

>                             Deanna Troi looked out at the
> bright starfield, suddenly sad.

Crow: Darn. I left my oven mitts in the twentieth century.

>
> "Thank you, Sam," she whispered.

Tom: [Sam] You're welcome.

>
> Commander Riker caught her eye and smiled.  

Mike: Yeah, we all know what *he's* thinking.

>
> 

Tom: Could this possibly be?

> THE END.
> --------

Tom: It is!
Mike: Hooray!
Crow: Victory is just beyond the crest of the endquote!

> Katriena Knights
> "Have you not done tormenting me with your accursed time!"
>                          -- Samuel Beckett, "Waiting for Godot"

Tom: One bizarre endquote to keep us up all night, wondering...
Crow: What does it *mean*, Mike?
Mike: I, I... don't know.
[All sit in awed silence, recuperating from the long ordeal.]
Mike: C'mon, guys. Let's blow this popsicle stand.
[He scoops up the 'bots.]
Tom: Hey, Mike, did you know that "the end" backwards is "dne eht"?
Crow: Yeah, so?
Tom: That's interesting, Tom...

[1...2...3...4...5...6]

[SoL]

[Mike and the 'bots are feeling pretty good. Gypsy is also present for the
 victory celebration! There is a tall stack of paper on the table.]

Mike: We made it, guys!
Tom: Yeah, yet another horrendous fanfic chalked down for us.
Crow: Yeah, Mads, in yo' face! We be bad... we be bad!
Mike: Hey, what's all this paper?
Tom: Oh, Mike, that's our fanfic. While nobody was looking, we finished it.
Mike: Really?
Crow: Yeah. Hey, we even wrote *you* in as a character.
Tom: Of course, we wrote ourselves in also...
Gypsy: And Richard Basehart?
Crow: Yep, Richard Basehart is in there too, as a main character and all-
      around good guy...
Gypsy: [shivering] Ooooh! Let me at it! Let me at it!
Mike: [leaving through the papers] This looks... pretty extensive, guys.
Crow: Yeah.
Tom: We're pretty proud of it... all and all, it's about the length of four
     unabridged editions of "The Stand"...
Crow: And seventy percent new footage!
Tom: Think of it. All the pain and darkness that has befallen on us is
     chronicled in those papers...
Crow: All the horrible plotting and terrible pacing and awful everything
      else...
Tom: It's all here! All the misery and agony... all the time we've wasted,
     is condensed and exemplified in these pages!
Mike: Sounds like quite an opus.
Crow: [getting just a *little* carried away] Oh, it is! It is! It is the
      pinnacle of my achievement! It is a biting commentary on the zeitgeist!
      It is the epitome of soulful introflection! Why, it is my soul bled on
      paper!
Tom: Oh, I know! Just reading the pages edifies my whole existance! I now
     know why Tom Servo was put on this planet... er, satellite.
Crow: [bursting into tears] It's my spirit.... it's my purpose.....
Tom: [joining Crow] Oh, it will only be complete by weeping my tears upon
     it...
Gypsy: Uh-huh.
Mike: Well, what do you think, Dr. F? Pearl? Anybody?

[Deep 13]

Dr. F: Well, my little Fig Newtons, it's been fun. I see you've got yourself
       a handful there, Nelson. Good; I'll take a little pleasure from your
       suffering, because I can't say I'm not disappointed. I half expected
       that exciting little epic to break you once and for all, but
       it is yet another straw on the camel's back...

[SoL]

Mike: Sure is. I think I can handle these two all right, so don't revel in my
      misery too much - I sure won't. As for your experiment, it really
      wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.
Gypsy: You're a mean man, Dr. Forrester. And don't make fun of Crow and Tom!
       They wrote a fanfic with Richard Basehart!

[Deep 13]

Dr. F: What? A peep out of the purple bot? What was your name again?

[SoL]

Mike: It's Gypsy, and don't you forget it!

[Deep 13]

Dr. F: All right, I'll try to... or not to... or, eh, something. Bah, I
       think that next time I'll play something completely different...
       maybe a Power Rangers-Barney the Purple Dinosaur cross-over... or
       perhaps a good Gonterman Sonic the Hedgehog story... or perhaps a
       Stephen Ratliff effort. Er, while I think about it, 'till next time,
       my darling space goombahs...

[Dr. Forrester presses the button.]


-------------------------------------------------------------------------

                              \  |  /
                               \ | /
                                \|/
                              ---O--- Fwshhhh!
                                /|\
                               / | \
                              /  |  \

Everybody's Favorite Disclaimer
===============================

Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are
trademarks of and [c] 1997 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment and parody
purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held
by Best Brains, Inc. or anyone else is intended or should be inferred. This
post is for amusement only and should not be seen as a personal attack on
Katriena Knights. On the contrary, I'd like to thank Ms. Knights for
supplying this entertaining story - it certainly was worth a few hours of
fun. Ending "Fwshhhh!" swiped from Adam Cadre's MiSTing of "The Eye of
Argon."

> Behind it all was a wail of claxons.