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Snuggle Up And Read

The Complete Entire History of the Whole Known Universe

All right, class. Have you been doing your homework? Our subject is the history of the world... eh, no, galaxy... no, universe! Yeah, that's it! Our subject is the history of the universe... starting from the beginning of the history of the world, and ending with the day before last Tuesday, (a Monday, I think - Ed.) which was when my Great Aunt Carol left from her week-long visit with me, and hence after which nothing really important happened. Be sure that your pencils are sufficiently sharp, for heaven only knows when a test might spring out of nowhere.
  • Chapter 11: Galileo and the Pope
    (2002) In which poor Galileo is brought to trial and meets an entirely predictable fate, and Pope Benedict the Umpteenth runs into a trial of his own.
  • Chapter 10
    ...What are you talking about? There is no Chapter 10.
  • Chapter 9: The Nineteenth Century Grows an Impressive Crop of Weenies
    (2001) Includes: Carl Frederick Gauss' asteroid prediction, Napoleon and Beethoven, Zachary Taylor (greatest ideal of the 19th-century gentleman), Friedrich Nietzsche, Tommie Edison, Karl Marx, Lenin and the Great Name Reform, and Darwin and Huxley (who looks rather like a bulldog.)
  • Chapter 7: O, Mighty Caesar!
    (1998) Includes: The Trojan High School Marching Band, toppling the crowned heads, coming-of-age rites in the temple of Bacchus, and Nathan, The Voice of Things Future, from Bristol.
  • Chapter 6: Rome and Romulus and Remus
    (1996) Includes: Romulus and Remus, the Carthagian wars, PCP-spiked brevé, the quest for the Golden Fleece, the Riddle of the Sphinx (yay!), and the founding of Romulus City.... I mean Rome!
  • Chapter 5: Aesop's Fables
    (1995) Utterly cracked reinterpretations of "Aesop's Fables". Includes: The Tortoise and the Hare, The Fox and the Grapes, The Dog and the Wombat, and The Teddy Bear's Picnic.
  • Chapter 4: The Rise of Sophism in Ancient Greece (or, The First Serious-Sounding Chapter Title)
    (1995) In this very seriously-titled chapter, we find: Ancient Minoa, birthplace of philosophy, the world's first fraternity, the rise of Sophism, the great victory of Hypocritates (Father of Anachronisms), and Socrates, Plato and Aristotle.
  • Chapter 3: The Egyptians Kick Some Butt
    (1994) Includes: the invention of writing, Moses (played by Charlton Heston) liberating the Israelites, the parting of the Red Sea, and the Ten Suggestions.
  • Chapter 2: The Fall of the Sumerian Corporate Empire
    (1993) In which Sumeri-Petro finally goes under. Includes: the great Sumerian eunuch guard, two time-travelling American spies killed by an incredibly bad pun, and some court intrigue and treachery. Also includes Kiribati-ben-Ralph, the first known person to fall of the edge of the world.
  • Chapter 1: The Sumerians' Really Great Idea
    (1993) In which Cecil B. DeMille, nomad, and his tribe strike it rich in the Fertile Crescent and found civilization and capitalism as we know them. Sets some foundations for what will follow, and holds up pretty well for its ancient age.

Note that each chapter has a unique flavor of its own... mainly because they're written years apart. Chapter One was written when I was 12 or 13; it's getting utterly ancient, whereas Chapter Eleven was finished in the past year. It's quite interesting to see how my style was developing through these texts. The earlier chapters actually have footnotes, because they were originally on paper! How about that for a long time ago! I might as well write about the Complete Entire History of "The Complete Entire History of...."!

Note that the chapters tend to have a shameless number of references to previous chapters, and that the chapters tend to get more and more whacked and less linear the further you go. Wait until you see the upcoming Chapter 12.

On the Nature and Definition of Happiness

Answers the questions: What does happiness mean, in my eyes? And how can we be happy?

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